Profound

Hmm .... (image here that I am sitting on a deserted beach just thinking to myself ... I like to do that and have some of the most amazing thoughts and ideas doing it. Sadly, I rarely take a pad and pen so none of them will ever survive the day.

Of course, now and then I have recurring thoughts which may be provoked by current circumstance or may just be milling around in my mind looking for a means of escape and, unfortunately, those poor thoughts just have my inadequate writing abilities to give them life.

I don't recall reading any more about this subject lately than I normally would or seeing it on television but the issue of climate change has been bouncing around my mind recently. Not only climate change but the state of this planet in general.

Thing is, I can recall quite clearly being told back in the 1970s' that in my lifetime the oil would run dry. We may be some time away from that but just how long? Just because something is a conspiracy theory doesn't mean it cannot be a conspiracy fact. Would we genuinely be told if we were fast approaching a crisis? I suspect not as it would inevitably mean a panic on oil such as we have seen in the past with the oil blockades. So, the price keeps going higher and higher until it becomes in unaffordable commodity. Literally millions of people will be without a viable means of transport and the issue of an expensive motor vehicle which has become totally worthless to deal with.

More so than this possibility is that of climate change and how much is happening, how quickly? Again, we are hardly likely to be told that the world as we know it is in its final generation, that would lead to anarchy. Better to allow us to feel as though we are playing a part to save the planet just enough for us to ignore the evidence of our own experience. No generation other than mine has witnessed so many meteorological records, so many natural disasters. My parents could quote an extreme winter of the 1940s and the summer of '76. This was the extent of the climate change. Now we seem to have a new record each year. How finely balanced is this planet? Can it handle many more fluctuations before something major tips the eco system over the edge?

This is an amazing planet we live on. No one person could ever experience the amazing things it has to offer in a lifetime. None of us could ever know even a meaningful amount of knowledge contained on Earth.

If another fuel is not discovered soon then this amazing place is going to seem a lot bigger than it currently is as the aircraft are grounded, boats no longer run and we struggle to find the power to provide us with our electrical needs. How does a technically advanced society adapt to regression?

>Waves crash against the shoreline and I awake from my thoughts and enter once again the realm of reality<

Jermaine's flat should soon be OK again though there could be a bit of a struggle getting compensation for his losses.

Matt is doing OK with his flat except that he seems to have trouble with the concept that he actually has to buy his own things now and cannot expect to keep taking stuff from here.

Christmas will soon be upon us. Most of our shopping is done, this year is going to be a small affair ... having said that, it doesn't seem to be coming in any less than £500! I guess in comparison to more than double that last year I am really cutting down!

Lively time of it

Disneyland was really cool

Annoyingly, Deej got a tummy bug the first day and I got it a few days in which kind of buggered things up but we still enjoyed it despite the crap weather of the Sunday through Tuesday.


Our planned Paris trip didn't happen as the French were in strike meaning hardly any trains.

Matt now has his flat and that meant me going out straight off yesterday (Saturday) to spend about £1k on new stuff for him. I was totally shattered and feeling really bad by bed time.

This morning I woke up around 08:30 and sat down to a tea when a call came through from the coach house.

The guy in the flat next to Jermaine had barged in and trashed the place. Jermaine had been kicked and punched and two staff members needed hospital treatment. On the plus side, everyone was really lucky and nothing too serious happened with regard to broken bones or death. Jermaine was fine by the time I got to see him. That was some significant time as I had to sort through what was left in his room, see what was broken, repairable or OK. I also had to speak to higher management and the police and yes, I sure as hell am pressing charges. The guy may be autistic but he does know the difference between right and wrong.

For the record, he's now been moved so this should never happen again.

Jermaine lost his laptop and a cordless telephone.

I hate this you know?

As a dad we want the best, OK ... let's get personal, 'I' want the best for my kids and I imagine them to be the best.

When they are growing up we have a sort of game plan on how things are going to turn out with tons of room for adaptation but always within a framework about which we are certain, within that we can allow just about anything and it'll be fine.

Annoyingly, other human beings have a habit of developing their own agenda without consulting anyone else or considering that anyone else may have already mapped things out.

As parents we know we have to do the 'tidy your room' thing without ever seriously expecting them to think for themselves until they move out, that's normal rebellion. We expect chores to be done and are surprised every now and then when we are right, that's normal too. The point of all that silliness, all that which seems time consuming and wasteful is to hope that a little of this will rub off on them when they are in panic land soon after moving out. That suddenly this survival instinct will kick in and they'll soon realise that the dick head who raised them may have had a point about the whole clearing up thing. Well, that's frameworks for you and how fragile this whole parenting thing is. Thankless is the very best word I can use to describe it, totally and utterly a waste of effort and one of the most depressing experiences a person can have much of the time. I should by now be saying how rewarding it as well and how one counters the other but it really doesn't. Sure, that may work with one, maybe two kids but not more than that because there is always one or two screwing up the way things should be.

Stupidity is one of the things which is hardest to cope with. Having perfectly good arguments for why exactly they should not do something then listening to them arguing back with some reasoning which effectively agrees with me but they are going to ignore it and do what is most fun anyway. Take smoking for just an example ... as a dad there is very little I can think of which is worse than the thought of harm coming to my kids, it is the thing of nightmares. Matt smokes, he's killing himself but he doesn't care because the future is so far away it isn't important. He says though, that if he has kids he'll quit. His reasoning? Because he wouldn't do anything to harm his kids! He totally fails to see where I am coming from when I say that ... he wouldn't harm one of his kids but he would harm one of mine?

Thankfully I am convinced he doesn't think. If I thought he did then he'd be one heartless piece of work for sure. Most of the time I feel used and seriously abused by him. If I explain to him how he makes me feel he dismisses it because that's my responsibility for being a parent ... like I owe it to him as some form of compensation to be miserable whilst he has fun.

He still screws up with money boasting again of how he works and how he has got himself out of debt. He is now overlooking the £900 windfall he got recently which all but erased his debt and also how he would have been totally out of debt had he not, within a week, spent no small amount on stuff he could barely justify and the bulk on stuff he couldn't justify at all. Following on from that, I am made to feel bad for mentioning I think it is unfair when I am in so much debt that he is prepared to see me furnish his new flat getting in a lot of debt whilst he goes out buying new clothes and drinking. To make matters worse, I am at home relaxing whilst he is out drinking and, no doubt, smoking ... and I am asked to get up, leave the comfort of my lounge and go down town to pick him up ... after this I find out it isn't just him, it is Anne too and he chooses this moment to ask if it is all right for her to stay. I like Anne, I don't really mind her staying, that isn't really my point. What I am saying is that it is all expected. He is still using guilt trips he should have grown out of years ago. I did that, picked them up, they said thanks then went upstairs to Matt's room and didn't so much as offer to make me a coffee! I simply cannot imagine a day or time when Matt makes any effort to make any of this up to me and no, this is not 'normal' parenting. This is way above and beyond what the role of a parent should be when there are two people involved, both earning and me paying out whilst in debt to ferry them about.

Daisy is not a lot better. Chores are getting done right now not because she feels it is the right thing to do but because she knows she doesn't get to go out Thursday if she doesn't do them. By Friday she'll be back to normal again and not doing what she is told whilst expecting he social life needs to be met in full. I am not stupid, I have seen this so many times before I know how it works.

Zoey, on the other hand, is actually one of the better kids. Sure, she throws strops and tantrums but she seems to think and she genuinely appears to care without expecting anything by way of return. I simply cannot think of a time when I thought Zoey was sucking up to me to get something. If there was such an occasion then it wasn't devious, she'd have been painfully obvious about it.

This is what I dislike so much about the way Daisy and Matt operate, it is so underhanded like there is some sort of battle going on between us with them constantly fighting to get what they want with minimum cost in effort and regardless of anyone else. I so don't want to hear any more how I should feel bad that their mother has to pay out for stuff every now and then! She has done hardly anything over the years yet seems to have the love and respect from the kids all the same for that. I guess that is the beauty of being the 'when I feel like it' parent. All the advantages without the shit that deserves them.

More and more these days I just consider giving up all which is familiar to me (except for John) and heading off somewhere, just walking away from this because one of my biggest fears if going on for more and more years like this and then realising I am too old before it becomes easier or even worse, that my time has got very short. I don't want to just be remembered as a guy that could seemingly cope with everything, a real hero or anything like that ... I want to be remembered as the guy that knew how to live, knew how to have fun and knew how to relax. I am currently none of those things. I am a mess acting a part which others would have me act.

My kids refuse to grow up and probably see me as just a challenge to be worked. In most cases I am on the 'B' list of life. Many know I exist but don't care that I do ... with a few exceptions.

Don't allow this to confuse ... I know there is love there from my kids but knowing it and feeling it are not the same thing. When someone is let down as often as I am let down, been promised things and had them taken away again as often as I have, it is difficult if not impossible to believe that someone really cares in the way which makes them show it before the funeral because, by then, it is too late. I won't give a shit.

I think I have said this before but ... when is it my turn?

This is a problem with kids in general, with me most certainly in the case of my own mum ... there is no perceivable end to life. Everything can wait until tomorrow because there always is a tomorrow. The problem with getting older is the realisation that tomorrow can turn painfully into yesterday.

I cannot say my mum's life was wasted but would she have known that? I cannot ever remember saying I loved her, not outright like it was a revelation to me. I always assumed she knew yet, you know, I wasn't perfect, she wasn't perfect. Right up until the end she was trying to protect me but I didn't see it. I didn't even see she was near death because she was my mum and parents don't die, they are out rock and they must always be there and then she wasn't. For the first time in my life I had to really grow up and I had no support, not really. No one who didn't have an agenda. My mum never ever from anything I can put together had an agenda for me except to love me and when shortly before she dies, I refused to do one simple task for her, I through that back in her face.

Of course, I don't expect to be dead any time soon and there is no evidence to suggest otherwise. But then, I doubt she thought she would be dead any time soon either. As much as I loved my dad and still do, I have never felt I was ever on his A, B or C list. There has never been a time I can remember when he really made an effort to tell me he was proud of me. Despite that I spent years trying to impress him. I loved mum and didn't show it, how like my Dad I must have been then?

I try to show it with my kids, I try so hard but basically I just feel foolish because I sense they would see it as weakness and use it against me to get another concession. I wish I was wrong but parents get used by kids, it's the way of things, not all parents can cope with it from so many kids for so many years and cope with the major decision making single handed. I have had partners but I have been the one pulling the parenting strings and under really difficult circumstances. Sure, the kids have helped out with Jermaine issues but they never had the pressure of it all, the real pressure and the meetings and the fights, campaigns, letter writing, phone calls and the constant thoughts of 'what if?' That's a level of parenting none of us sign up to when we decide on being parents and yet I have had more than my fair share of it.

This coming week is my chance to unwind and forget, just for a short few days what my life is. I so need to do that without any reminders except for my mind of what I have left behind. That way I may come back feeling differently but, let's be honest with myself, it can only ever be a sticking plaster and short of a miracle, these wounds will stay with me the rest of my life and frankly, that scares me yet .... all it takes is others to really think and see the whole picture and not just their little piece of it.

No apologies for the length because I neither ask nor expect anyone to read this. If someone does then fine but it is entirely for my own sanity, to make me feel better by writing things down

Beds, Books and Buttons ... (and other stuff)

Yes, Beds to start off with ... some sofa beds are simply only fit for sitting on and even then their use is questionable! Trust me on this one, a solid base on which to lay is not good for the back or any other part of the body and boy did I so not get a lot of sleep in a recent sleep out. Memo to self ... take something soft to lay on next time.

Just finished my latest book 'Eric' and along with the one I read previously, 'The Colour of Magic' I have to say I was disappointed. Terry Pratchett just does not write consistently good books. Both of these seemed to have either no real end as in 'The Colour of Magic" or, a very weak one such as 'Eric' It is almost as though he didn't plan on ending the book there but ran out of ideas so cobbled something together for the last few pages.

I am back to wearing a zipper jean now after a while of buttons. The problem is that with buttons I don't bother doing them all up so never actually touch them at all. Switching back to the zip I have to remind myself to do it and more often than not, I don't!

A friend of mine has just recently been told he'll most likely be made redundant come January. I think he himself said some time ago he felt as though he was stuck in a rut but not so much as to gamble on a career change from such a steady job. I so hope that this is his chance to do something which really makes him happy and excited about his work. I hope he gets something positive from the experience because he's a really nice guy and deserves some happiness from his career.

Less than a week to go now before Deej and I head south to Disney and I am really excited about it. Not so much that it will get me yet further into debt and that I am going to get yet even further into debt when I get back ... the start of 2008 is not going to see me well financially and with further promised expenses looming early in the new year I have to confess to being moderately concerned.

Refunds and apologies

There was a time when I was king of the refund. Where I ever actually paid full price for anything expensive because I managed to get a refund afterwards. Most noteworthy was a 1998 8 week trip of Europe on which I made extensive use of my camera to get evidence of breaches of safety, terrible quality etc. Not only did I get the entire cost of the holiday refunded but in their confusion they refunded it twice so effectively paying me to go. Of course and as may well be the case in life, this was at a time when I could afford expensive holidays and didn't really need the money back. It was really just for the hell of it and for the hell of it I did it loads.

For years I have lost my touch, maybe it is simply because companies have got tougher or perhaps it just isn't so much fun any more?

I mean, getting money back from a bank or phone company or 'gestures of good will' is generally quite easy, too easy. Sadly, it also achieves nothing except me getting some money, it won't stop the same thing from happening again which should be the main point.

After the fiasco at Duston School on Monday I didn't expect anything in reply to my complain but, on the contrary, I got a telephone call today from the deputy head apologising at some length for the way they dealt with the situation and promising changes will be made. Most excellent result.

Yesterday I was called by Travelodge to say they were going to refund me the cost of my last stay because they considered their level of service was unacceptable and that they were revising their policy and hotel design. Again, a great result.

One was at zero cost, the other just £40 but that's not the point, both acknowledged they had been wrong and agreed to look at making changes. It just seems to be so unusual to have anyone do this any more.

I suppose this was also the case with the Gran Canaria car rental problem earlier on in the year as well and with Respect changing our flights. With the latter they offered what they referred to as a 'night out money' which I thought was a lovely way to put it. With the car rental company and probably because Respect leant on them so hard, it was a good will gesture she seemed desperate to give me.

With these things being so easy it makes me mad that anyone in this country allows bad practise to go unchallenged. If everyone who got a bad deal, terrible service or were otherwise upset by a purchase complained about it then all of us would eventually never need to. It is only because of this stupid British habit of complaining to our friends and colleagues but not to the ones who can actually do anything that means we pay far too much for terrible service. Wake up this country!

Speaking of poor service and Travelodge ... I was thinking earlier how we do things over here. It seems we look around the globe for what others have done and then make it British which normally means, reduce quality, increase costs and Travelodge is a good example of that compared to many similar US hotel chains. If I walk into a 'Days Inn' in the States I am welcomed with a smile and someone asking "Is there anything I can do for you sir?". If I walk into a Travelodge it is, "Yes mate"

The Days Inn will almost certainly be next to a fast food joint which is both open and fast. The Travelodge may be next to one which will be either closed or slow. The US will have me served drinks when I want them, in the UK, I have to ask when the bar is open.

If I want an extra pillow in the US it is brought to my room with a smile, in the UK I am told where to collect it from.

In the US I will most likely have air conditioning, in the UK I will have a window that will open only an inch for health and safety reasons but as the corridor outside is totally sealed for fire safety there is no breeze anyway so I cook.

Some things we copy like for like. In both I may expect to find 'caution, water may be hot' on my hot water tap. Strangely neither country adds the word 'duh' after that notice.

But then, this is the UK and we will hold on to all which is bad about our country despite the damage it causes and, to make matters worse, we then embrace all that is bad from other countries too just to finally hammer that final nail in our reputations' coffin.

Me and Deej had our hair cut earlier and his looks amazing. Not so sure about mine, I think it is too short. On the plus side, it will grow.

Zoey's group at college are doing meals now each Wednesday, anyone wanting to go should contact Jane Pawski on 07985 662236. The cost is £3.75 and this is the menu choice for 14th Nov ...

Cream of Onion Soup
^^
Lamb Stew
Potato & Onion Tart
^^
Queen of Puddings
Pears in Red Wine

That seems quite yummy to me and Deej and I should be going all but 21st November. The final one of the year is Dec 12th, the Christmas Meal which looks really yummy.

Zoey

Yesterday Deej and I were in bed after the girls had gone to school/college. I got up at 9 and discovered a message on the answer phone from the orthodontist saying Zoey's appointment yesterday had been cancelled. Not wanting to confuse matters any longer than need be at 9:15 I telephone the college to tell them I'd not need to be collecting her after all. They sounded concerned and then said "She never came in this morning"

So started the day of Zoey going missing.

I telephone the taxi company and they confirmed that though they were sure she was at home she would not answer the door when they knocked. I then realised I would soon have to be contacting the police and needed to speak to Daisy first so she could say what she would know about having been the last to see Zoey.

Duston school were arseholes. They seemed to go out of their way to be difficult despite me explaining the situation. They were stupid to a level I didn't realise was possible from apparently educated people.

Eventually though I did call the police and set the search in motion. The by now collected Daisy and I went out searching in the car, Deej walked around locally and Robin held fort at home.

Everyone who knew about it was suitably in panic mode trying not to imaging anything negative.

I called Kris around 14:20 believing it was about right with regard to timing. Just 10 minutes later she called me back to say Zoey had just turned up there.

So, many hours later than anyone would have liked Zoey was safe ... stupid but safe.

By the end of the day I was totally shattered, well, everyone was to be honest.

You see, this is what happens when I don't pay attention!

I forget to write anything to the blog and, it's not like there isn't anything to write as loads has happened, it is more a case that I keep putting off.

The week following my last entry we had a meeting at the Coach House in Corby about Jermaine. It went as well as I'd expected it to. The only complaint from just about all sides was the total lack of will on the part of the company to get required jobs done.

That weekend we went to see 'Stardust'. It was a last moment choice but a very good one as it was excellent.

Then along rattled half term and we'd booked to go to Calais a day with the girls, stay over there and also in Kent taking in visiting friends and seeing my dad and Kath as well. French trip went real well. I doubt I will ever accept the stupidity of the border control people in the UK. It is always the British that cause the issues.

"Where have you been sir?"
"France"
"Where exactly sir?
"Oh, here and there, how exact do you want me to be as we'll be here for ages if I actually list everything"
"Just tell us where you have been sir?"
"OK, We went to the hotel near the Cité Europe shopping Mall, it was the Etap, quite basic but good value for money. After that we went over the road to Cité Europe and had a meal, wandered around the shops, you know window shopping, getting prices. After that we drove over the way to the Auchan store, did the same sort of thing there and then went back to the hotel. In the morning we .... "
"That's OK sir"
"No, wait, I didn't tell you about our trip to Belgium yet"
"Oh yes? What did you do there sir exactly"
"Nothing, you know, drove there, saw it was Belgium and came back again"

"Did you buy any cigarettes sir?"
"No"
"Really sir?"
"Really"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"

They went on to ask how we were connected to each other and I informed them that the girls were my daughters and John was my partner, they then upset the girls by saying they could see the likeness

What they don't do is ask if they can really look at the car for stuff. They take our word for it when we say we are not carrying anything on their list of prohibited items such as 'bombs or weapons'. I mean, of course any self respecting terrorist is going to own up to that quick smart!

We spent a lovely time with Rosie and Steve when we returned to the UK. Not seen them since their wedding and they are great fun. They cooked an excellent meal as well.

We also had a great time at the Harringtons :-)

I have barely been given any 'me' time in ages. It just never seems to happen during the day so I have to grab it of an evening. There is always someone who needs me for something. To resolve an argument, to help out, to just 'be there' or whatever. These are not huge requests of any individuals but I am only one person coping with the demands of many and it can get very tiring indeed if I can't have at least one hour every day when I can be guaranteed to be 100% left alone with no loud noise to disturb me. As it stands it's unusual for me to get to bed much before 02:00, quite often much later.

Have tried to get feeds for this thing sorted by not sure it is really working. As best as I could get it should be at http://www.outmedia.co.uk/blog//atom.xml but I am told it is not working ... well, I tried.

Some of the local fireworks have been impressive.

Matt has a flat now and is just waiting on his move date.