[IMAGINED SCREAM]

I have no idea how to insert a scream into text so use your imagination!

Possibly I have concluded for the first time today that this whole car thing is really getting me down. I am not sleeping right because of it and it crops up all too often, it's just driving me nuts with the speculation and possibilities.

Neville called earlier at around 16:23 but I had dropped off to sleep so missed him. I suspect he's calling to say it's ready to be picked up but don't know. Even if it were, at that time I'd not have been able to sort the paperwork out prior to the weekend so couldn't have collected it. What I suspect and the reality may not, as is often the case with this car, match up. He could have been calling to say it had failed the MOT and now I have a large bill to add to the already mounting costs before it can be completed. He could actually have phoned for any number of things but because I don't know my imagination is going over time. I am as uptight as can be and it's doing me no good at all.

Add to this the other 'background' concern of Matt and what's happening there and I just know my unfinished business is what is causing my current bit of shite.

I need a month and this should all be over ... he hopes (pointlessly)

Nearly September

Yes, just two days to go and we are on month 9. I remember cancelling an order for a car once because they said I had to wait 5 months and here I am 5 months after buying the Sebring and still have no real idea when it may be ready!

A taxi from town to here should never cost £8.40 early evening - end of.

Zoey has taken to blocking the loo again so today I taught her how to unblock it with her having to place her own hand in a toilet full of shit. Maybe now she will reconsider just how much toilet paper to use. (probably not)

I have taken a diet holiday for a few days because I have just been feeling really down and ill. I figure that cutting down on food without also exercising more is just pointless anyway.

One more full week of school holidays to go here, that's a week longer than most school kids get. On the plus side, most kids should be away from town next week so going there will be a little more bearable.

At the moment I am double booked for grandparents visits. Kris's parents are supposed to come here on September 9th as are my Dad and Kath. My opinion is, Kay & Geoff invited themselves, they have not so much as spoken to me about it to see it is OK so when they eventually call I shall say sorry, but we are busy that day. It's been over a year since seeing my Dad so I am not putting them off.

I am mentally spending quite an amount of money right now. Physically I am not so this has to be good! So far I have in my mind bought a new car (2nd hand runabout), booked two holidays, redecorated the entire house along with flooring, landscaped the garden along with several other things too numerous to list! A lottery win right now could prove most useful as I actually do at least have some focus right now on where it would start to be put to good use. (About as likely as Zoey being sensible with toilet paper)

Bank Holidays

One of the problems with 'not working' is that I don't get anything out of bank holidays. Other people see them as something special, an event to do something but to me, it's just another weekend with maybe more traffic about. This is one of the things I truly hate about not working, not feeling part of what everyone else is feeling :-(

Jermaine came over yesterday but he was really tired. He did seem to enjoy himself for the first bit at least and was really happy, full of smiles immediately after he walked in. Once he had eaten though, he is was just really struggling to keep his eyes open. He left around 8pm and Wendy called me soon after they got back to say they had got back OK, Jermaine had slept the whole way and was now fast asleep in bed. I just can't imagine anyone from his last home bothering to do that!

This weather is really nice and if I had my car I'd most likely be off somewhere really enjoying it but, as it happens, I don't so I have no plans at all.

Daisy's boyfriend dumped her. I suspect it had something to do with me writing to him but then, if it did, then clearly my writing had the desired effect to route out the undesirables. Any genuine guy would have stuck with her so he probably was just after a shag.

I joined this 'facebook' a couple of days ago. It's really just like myspace though for slightly older people. I can't see anything special about it though and I have hardly gained anything from it just the same people I already know that I can talk to any time I want. I guess that's what the net gets like after a while, a way of not talking directly to any of my friends and that has to be bad. I am often inclined to agree with Martyn in that perhaps not being a member of all these things is better as at least it means we have to make the effort to meet our friends in the real world. (OK, not entirely Martyn's take on it but then, it is still right!)

Back to bank holidays ... as a non worker (in the outside world) it is also true that it simply screws up my internal clock because today just feels like Sunday to me ... it also means another day longer I have to wait for my car.

Outcome of Today

Firstly, the car is not ready and won't be until at least late next week. This is just so typical as it would have been just amazing to have had it in this weather.

Matt sat down with me and actually listened. He has agreed to me allowing him to stay here until he is offered a council place but on the condition that he allows me to guide him with his finances and that he spend each day looking for a better paid job. The consequences of not doing so means out he goes, this really is last chance in the hope he'll finally take an opportunity to make some real changes in his life which will make a difference.

I would just be so disappointed in his if he lets me down this time.

Apologies for multi publications, the software screwed up

Parental Responsibility

Where does it end? Maybe that should be 'when?'

I think I have done my best with the kids. On the whole I have had to work it all out for myself. I have had no support or role models to guide me. I have just had gut instinct and a wish that no harm comes to them. It has been a very tough job, nothing that people get paid for can possibly compare to it as far as maximum stress for minimal reward goes.

Often I ask myself why? What is the purpose of kids? True, they carry the genes, a little piece of me will live on after I have gone but the cost is too high if that is all there is. There is a lot of love along the way but, if I am honest, it is so rarely demonstrated I could be forgiven for missing it.

This is a job for which I can see no reward. My hope would have been that as they got older some of what I had given by way of love and commitment would be given back. That somewhere a balance would be achieved between us in that neither was any longer the giver but we both were. I don't know when that is meant to happen because I have not seen any of it yet. We are just cruising through life waiting for things to change. We go around in circles over and over. I make the rules, they break them. I ask for help, they give me more work, I offer help and they reject me, I ask for trust they tell me lies.

I have invested a lot in the kids in the hope that when I die someone will say 'he did well' but I don't think that is going to happen. I see a gravestone saying 'here is a loser, good intentions that fell apart, he achieved nothing'.

That's what I guess I really ever wanted from having kids, to have people that were better than I am, had greater chances in life, had the will to always aim higher than I could ever have done. For an outright snob it is so difficult to admit that my kids are average, could do better, just like I was :-(

In other aspects of my life I have done some things I am proud of, I have had influence on people which has changed them for the better and I am pleased with that BUT ... parenting is and always has been my main job and if I can't succeed at that then it makes everything else seem insignificant to me because my kids are a mirror on me, how people see them is how they see me.

It's becoming real hard to bounce back right now. I shall cos I always do but this is hurting real bad and there really is nothing that anyone can do as far as I can see unless some minor miracle happens.

It's all my fault ...

Yes, all this getting pissed and spending money which doesn't belong to him is my fault. Had I been there to support him then he wouldn't be in this mess ... all he wants is to be independent and live life his own way, being his own person and I keep spoiling all that by telling him what he needs to do so he rebels against it and ... it's all my fault.

Guess who?

Virgin F******* Media!!!!!

I went into the Megastore earlier to see how good this Samsung U600 phone was and ask about how easy it is to continue my contract. I had no idea this would be the start of around 2 hours on the phone to them!

Straight off I was confronted with policy, systems and brick walls of nothing they can do but charge me an extra £5 for the same service. I eventually got through to a manager who was interested to offer some help ... long story short I have gone from paying £25 a month to £18 a month with a new phone and the same bundle, can't be bad but should not have taken 2 hours!

Whoever Said?

No man is an island ... has not seen my laying down in the bath!

An Englishman's home is his castle ... if that is true, why can I not fire arrows at chavs through the windows?

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world ... whoever said that had a nanny!

What goes around comes around ... someone who lived in Milton Keynes clearly. (too much time hanging around roundabouts)

On another note, I clearly think too much when I take a dump!

Yesterday we didn't get a visit from Jermaine. They called to say that he'd been playing up all day and that, if I didn't mind, they would really appreciate not having a deadline to try to sort him out. So, not seen him in over a week now so must make an effort this week so not to leave it too late this time.

Later on today the girls are going off to their mother for the first time in years. I fully expect her to make some excuse whereby they cannot go at all or the visit has to be cut short.

This is a weird week in that we don't really have to go out much, those things that are happening require little effort on our part. The exceptions to that would be getting the girls to their mother today and collecting them on Friday and doing a visit to Jermaine at some point. This evening we plan on visiting Nick.

I shall be sending the vouchers off later to get the Tesco tokens to spend on GC next year. It'll be costing me £250 in vouchers which contributes £1000 toward the holiday, I still have to pay £36 on top of that because the total is £1036 (obviously). I will pay cash for the car rental which will ensure we don't have to travel with a coach load of chavs.

It is so GAY

People ... the word gay can mean happy or jolly, otherwise over the moon and jumping for joy or it can mean a man who shags another man or, indeed, a woman who shags another women ... Only homophobic people think it means anything other than that because it was homophobia which created all other meanings. I find it personally offensive when I hear someone say that something is 'so GAY' when what they mean is that it is weird or lame ..

I thank you.

Sorry Jermaine

I never made it to see Jermaine after all this evening. Deej was feeling bad, Daisy didn't want to go, Matt was out and Zoey was rather not wanting to go anyway. I sure didn't fancy the trip on my own as I was feeling quite tired and don't like driving when I am tired.

Am going to try to go tomorrow if I can. It would probably just be Deej and me but we shall see what we can do.

I need to arrange the Sky system for ASAP so we can have him with a full service plus broadband. First though I have to connect a phone line to his room.

The engine is now back in the Sebring but it'll be next week before the thing looks like my car again and then maybe into the following week before it is on the road.

Pictures

Thought I would share some pictures of last Sunday

Back in the UK

I have been back here for some time now getting used to the boring day to day things. The weather has for the most part been OK though I have missed the air conditioning in the bedroom. It has just started to give us a spell of rain so back to normal there.

The news on the car is same old same old I am afraid. It may be ready in a couple of weeks ... but then again, it may not.

Jermaine did his first visit home since moving out in March 2005 and it went well. There was a brief moment where it looked like he may take root upstairs but it was over soon enough and he went home happy.

Matt is a lot better than previously but also still has a long way to go. I think he was hoping that good behaviour would prevent any risk of him moving out, it hasn't. The truth is that he still has such a strong will that he simply cannot accept rules given by others and least of all me. I am hoping that finally moving into the real unprotected world of self reliance may teach him responsibility but I am not overly optimistic. Time will tell. He still has enormous potential but I fear he is going to go the same way as me, almost there, always on the brink of something but never quite getting there.

Despite me promising myself that I so would not be going back to Gran Canaria it appears I may be doing just that for Pride next year.

Almost Forgot ...

Palmitos Park is totally destroyed along with 65% of the wildlife there. The mountains seem to have cleared finally which I presume means the fire is finished.

Visited Merlin´s last night, this is a restaraunt I have previously raved about. In January it seemed to have let standards slide a little compared to say ´Silos` especially on price. Last night was terrible. It was alive with cockroaches and terribly overpriced. The steak was overcooked and the chicken was certainly not the best cuts. All steak ordered was medium which normally means a little pink, maybe some blood still. Most arrived cooked right through and dry and this cost 17 euros. A much larger and better cooked steak at Silos would have been around 12 euros. We will not be going there again for sure.

Last night was a nightmare in the Yumbo, seemed everyone wanted us to stop for food, some were shouting down from the balconies at us. Overall, with the prices for me x4 all the time, it is proving very costly so now we have to avoid eating expensive or drinking out.

Matt called earlier ... it was great to hear his voice. He´s taking an exam tomorrow for a forklift. I hope he passes then can quite his minimum wage job and get something which pays better. It´s not the career path I´d have seen him in but if it is the way he wants to go then that´s cool.

Daisy has been a little madam today insisting it is her holiday so thinking she can opt out of joint tasks such as drink making or washing up so we have had stern words ... I so hope this is not a prelude to Matt´s attitude II as I so could do without all that aggro again seeing as it is so stupid because it is simply not the way mature people behave.

We are a little pissed of as they seem to have closed off the grass area in front of our apartment. I am about to go cut it and use the grass anyway as hell. I didn´t pay for poolside so I can carry my sunbed closer to the pool ... it´s bad enough we are set back from the pool in number 23 without having to go somewhere else to sunbathe!

Weather cooling

... If cooling is what 29° can be described as!

Not checked this morning but the smoke from the fires was in the way of the mountain view as of yesterday. As I have said to some, I don´t think it can get to us anyway seeing as it would have to cross the motorway.

Deej is looking forward to his birthday tomorrow .... as opposed to today ;-)

Matt just called, he was worried too ... there are reports that the resort is being evacuated ... hell I hope not and there are no signs of it here.

Almendros has just gone wifi but only for those around the pool and even then only those on the recepion side so not to get too excited!

Oh Dear

Fires rage across the island.

We can now see the smoke from around here it is that close and blots out the mountains. A place we visited just a couple of days ago, Palmitos Park, is all but destroyed ... all very sad.

No chance of it reaching here as the motorway is a fire break.

The weather finally calmed yesterday and dropped to 35° with a cooler breeze. Today is meant to be around 29° ... I understand the UK should manage 26° by Saturday ... just before it starts raining again!