Developments ... or are they (evil cackle)

Got a call from my man at the garage earlier ... the car should be ready next week AND it looks like it will be coming in under budget (this last one I shall believe when I get the bill)

I have listed the C5 on Ebay again, I really cannot afford to not sell it and don't want to take the risk of placing all the repair costs on a credit card I then can't afford to repay, I don't need large interest payments on top of everything else.

We are going to Northampton Museum today

Other things remain the same:

• I am still overweight and can't afford to go to the gym
• The weather is rubbish
• Martyn's mum is still not well and I liked his mum when I met her
• Zoey is still in the shower
• We are still broke
• I still love John
• I still despair with Matt
• I am still going to be 44 next Monday

Oh dear

The good news is that it could possibly be Jermaine will be moved into his lovely new flat within 6 weeks.

Matt is another story. His apology earlier was rather pathetic. He's still not really said sorry to either Daisy or Deej and, indeed, seems to think saying sorry to anyone is more important than being with his mates.

He has a set of rules now, in writing and he's been told that if he deviates from it just once he best have somewhere else to live.

We shall see. I don't hold out much hope but there is still a little inside of me, I need to believe there is good in him ... for now.

Car - still not sold

Looked at Nick's new place the other day. It's small but not so much as I feared it may be and could be made to look real nice with a little effort and thought. I know how I'd do it but it's up to Nick how he does it and I am looking forward to seeing the end result.

Loads of work still to do at Robin's of course but at least he is up and running again on the PC.

I am sick of being tired

New Look

I thought how much my blog looked like all the other blogs out there and what with me having a MySpace thingy now, it was time for a change.

The address for that is this by the way.

Hope you like it and it is not too difficult to read. I took this picture of myself last January in Gran Canaria and you don't often see me wearing a jumper in GC!

Flippin' 'eck 2

It's darned well half term again, do these school never stay open more than a few days?

The car has still not sold, not even a glimmer of interest and I am in a frame of mind whereby I am just enjoying this next month as after that my life is about to become hell as I am going to have to start spending money I don't have, paying mega amounts of interest and generally going through financial hell. I have never before known a car so difficult to sell as this Citroen is being. It's be understandable if there was something wrong with it but there isn't, it's as sweet as can be and will make someone a lovely motor but it seems destined to remain a millstone around my neck and I could end up losing loads if it doesn't go soon.

The shite hit the fan with Matt today. Daisy told Kes about Matt and Zipsy and Kes told Kerry who then got to confirm the details. Kes managed to tell Kerry that it was me that told her ... actually, I suspect that Daisy didn't tell her either, she'd probably overheard something from someone else who's seen Matt and Zipsy together (not difficult as they are seen out quite often) Anyway, Kerry knows and has apparently told Matt it's over (she'll change her mind within the week). Kes is also saying that Kerry planned on seeing some other guy this weekend anyway to make Matt jealous so he'd dump her ... oh what a complicated web doth get weaved.

Matt is now saying he hates Daisy because she has 'ruined my life' which is, of course, total bollocks because Matt is quite capable of doing that all on his own and has done again here. It was only a matter of time before Kerry found out from somewhere and clearly Matt was burying his head in the sand again hoping she'd not find out or that he'd find the right moment to slip the whole sleeping with Zipsy thing into the conversation.

Whilst down town earlier and bashing into Matt and Zipsy (who I like by the way) she was there smoking away seemingly trying to hide the fact. I am wondering now if Matt is smoking again? I am also wondering how much of the money Matt owes me he is again spending. As yet he has given me no reason to believe he's going to keep his end of the bargain and treat the loan I gave him as his priority after his commitments.

Martyn says his mum is not well again and in hospital. He mentioned the possibility of pneumonia and that set me back remembering when my own mum was in hospital for the final time. Hers was a far more serious condition though I didn't know that at the time. She also had septicaemia and it was primarily that which killed her but, my point is, I remembered how useless I felt at the time and so hope Martyn doesn't have to go through that and that his mum will soon be well enough to come home again to them.

Robin's place is coming along. I am think I am probably way too knackered to do anything major for a few days though. I need to devote some time to here as well. With Zoey at home tomorrow we may well just blow our last ten quid and go watch a movie.

Planning to see Jermaine on Saturday. Dad wasn't too happy about him when they visited last weekend so I am checking it out for myself.

... and sometimes ...

We need shit but end up with weeds anyway.

It could be fair to say I am going through a rough patch right now, one which has been getting worse and worse for a few months culminating in me thinking very seriously about going to sleep and not waking up and I mean 'really' thinking about that as an option in a logical and calculated way. Not that my conclusion was entirely against the idea, there were some considerable merits to the possibility. My rejection decision is because I feel I owe me one chance to get it right but, if I am honest, I feel I only have enough energy left for one more crack at it. My brain will not be able to handle another major issue in my life.

The C5 is once again advertised at a price I feel it should get. If it doesn't then I am screwed. There is no point holding on to the idea of keeping the Sebring and I will just have to sell that as soon as it's repaired. If that's what I have to do I shall also sell the C5 at the same time for what ever I can get for it just because by then my spirit will be shattered and I just want nothing to do with cars in any shape or form, just so not worth it. Further to that I am seriously considering no matter how popular, just looking for an exchange and moving back down south again, somewhere like Brighton. I have lived in Northampton for 12 years nearly and my memories of the town are not brilliant. I am actually still scared of what others will do to me here. Too often in this town I have been a victim. I know I have just had really bad luck but I don't think it's ended yet, I feel I can still be a victim just for being gay in this town and I hate that. I hate that I could finally sort out this mess with the car and then get the Sebring smashed up outside just because someone is jealous of the poof having not only a nice house but a nice car to match. I just so don't need that. I know the police are crap so I feel totally unprotected from the harm the bastards could do me.

Hopefully, if I do sell the C5, if Matt starts behaving himself and repaying me, if the holiday is OK, if I start being able to relax more and Jermaine is living in Corby so I don't feel permanently guilty, maybe then I'd reconsider but as it is I just want to run away and try again somewhere where I am not known.

Failing that, a fucking lottery win would go down very nicely thank you very much!

I just so want 'NEED' something to go right for me, I need the sun to shine and I need no more bloody shit cos the roses are not growing.

Weather

It's lovely this morning ... the clouds are starting to roll in but it was great to wake this morning with the sun through the curtains and the feeling of heat.

Whilst I know the BBC are crap at forecasts it is nice to just hold on to the thought that this week may be a getting better type of week with some real prospects of shorts and t-shirts required.

Today does not feel like a Sunday ... actually, it does but somehow tomorrow doesn't feel right being Monday.

I am really missing Jermaine and feeling terribly guilty for not visiting more often, I really don't have any excuses. OK, yes, I have excuses. It is a crap drive, it gets me knackered, I can't afford the fuel, the country lanes are so small it risks damaging the car each time and the staff there piss me off occasionally. My reason is that it is easier not to. Somehow I console myself telling me that he doesn't miss us, barely remembers who we are etc. Would I be the same with any of the other kids? Well, yes, I think I would because I'd expect them to contact me if they needed anything. Maybe invite me over now and then, come here for tea.

Watched Dr Who last night ... still can't see the appeal of it for anyone over 12. Predictable nonsense from what I could see. The special effects are really cool now but the story lines? Nah, there are better things to watch on TV.

Update

The car did not sell. The highest bidder was around £3500 but that's not enough. One other guy who had been watching sent an email and he's looking at a figure of around £3400. I am just not selling it that low, it's the price for the car in terrible condition and I know I'd be selling myself short and resent it. When everyone who gets into the car loves it there has to be something good about it.

There is something else in the pipeline, I am not sure if it will come off or not but it would be really cool if it did.

What I have decided to do for now is to just not think about selling it again for at least another week, try and enjoy driving again and fill up the tank!

Someone made me really happy earlier just by thinking about me, someone who is thinking about me just because he wanted to and it makes life worthwhile when that happens.

I know others care too, Robin, Nick David, etc but occasionally a message of 'I thought of you today' from just about anyone is just so welcome. We don't do enough of that I think, we just don't call or write for no reason at all, with no ulterior motive and say hi, I thought of you today.

It's going to take a fair bit to get me looking forward to anything though, this time of year is not good for me what with my birthday coming up on June 4th and I always hate my birthday just because I have had so many shit ones. Being broke right now is not helping of course.

I just keep telling myself, it will all work out OK and this time next year I shall be driving around with the roof down on my car and all this will be forgotten.

3 1/2 hours

That's what is left on the car.

The figure currently stands at £2350.00. No one has bid in many hours, only 5 people have bid at all since the listing appeared.

There have been no messages since this morning and that was discounted as one wanting it for £2500.00.

No one has looked at it

In short, this car is not going to sell as far as I can see, we are back where we were the last Ebay listing, zilch.

I can give it two weeks on Ebay but then I may just have to cut my losses, pay for the repair to the Sebring and sell it, I really cannot afford both and if I can't sell the C5 I have to sell the one that will sell.

How does that make me feel?

Like I don't matter, like in the great scheme of things I am meant to be a giver, not a receiver. I know giving is jolly commendable but ... well, enough said on that

I shall update just after 10:30 when the auction ends

Car Update

After the failure to sell on AutoTrader and the failure to sell first time around on Ebay it is once again on Ebay using a different tragedy.

With just 14 hours left to go there is not one person who has said they will be viewing it. One person offered £2500 subject to seeing it (like it could possibly be so bad as to only be worth that!)

Currently it stands at £1605.00 but that's a totally fake figure assisted by a friend who kindly agreed to keep the bidding going until the reserve was met. There have been no bids since 22:03 on 18th. That's 12 hours of stillness.

I know I am being told not to worry, things will all happen in the last hour or so but having been in the last hour or so once before, experience is showing me that no movement at this stage means no bugger is really seriously interested in it. Sure, there are 26 watching but that's all they are.

They couldn't make it up!

Yes, you guessed it, number 2 son is going to get back with the child girlfriend. Oh, they are not seeing each other right now, oh no, not actually going out because they said they weren't. They do however see each other when ever possible and Matt has used up half a month's phone credit on her already in just one week. OK, not strictly true, he's used it up on her and his other girl he's also not going out with 'Zippsy'. Whilst Matt and the child are not currently seeing each other this is to be resolved in July when they apparently are going to see each other again. Yes, like me, you are probably wondering 'what the fuck?' but I am sorry, I don't have the answers.

I spoke to him earlier and these are his views:

It would be wrong for his gay mate of 19 to date a guy of 14 even 10 months after they started dating if they were still together

It would be wrong for a guy of 19 to be dating his 14 year old sister even 10 months after they started dating if they were still together

It would be wrong for any of his mates to date a 14 year old 10 months after they started dating if they were still together etc

Indeed, it's wrong for everyone except him because we have to stop seeing Kerry as a 14 year old child, no, for convenience in his argument, she is 'just Kerry' and he, of course, loves her which makes it all right, good, got that?

His life is meaningless without this child in it ... that before this child entered his life he had money, some talent, a university course he was proud of, some mates and some pride, this means nothing because he loves her. He'd happily go to jail for this child, she is that important to him.

There is a level of stupidity in a person I seldom confront and I hate to say I am seeing it in my son. On the one hand he has the chance of a good, long and happy life and on the other he has prison, shame, no friends, no money, no career ... in short, this child is taking him down to a level my snobbery doesn't want me to go and most certainly not my kids. Every parent wants the best for their kids and when I see someone ruining the life of one of my kids I see red. He may be 19 but he's acting like a 13 year old with raging uncontrollable hormones and is no longer in control of any aspect of his own life. Something radical needs to be done ... the question is ... what?

Several things have crossed my mind ... go speak to Kerry's parents, tell them how I feel, how angry I am that their child has ruined the life of my son, how their bad parenting has led to their daughter thinking it's OK to give up her childhood, have sex at 13. ... I could very easily expose Kerry as the 14 year old child that she is, someone who we know to be two faced and to do things behind Matt's back because she knows he'll believe her excuses and forgive her ... I could tell her that he's seeing Zippsy ... I could tell the police I am concerned that I think they are still sleeping together ... I could tell Kerry's dad I am sure they are still sleeping together, that should get Matt a beating and Kerry grounded until she's 18. Not that I want any harm coming to Matt but if he's not going to even listen to his own logic some desperate measures may need to be taken. Or, I could just sling him out. If he's going to throw his life away and not allow me to help then he's better off on his own, doing his own thing, making his own huge mistakes and not bringing the rest of us down with him ... what the fuck, I sure had no idea just how much trouble teenagers could be and I am sure Matt is turning out to be a very bad example of teenager!

John has an interview Friday with Primark. This is good but also, real difficult because I am already on mega stress levels and now I could be faced with two things that are very life changing. John not being here all the time and I would find it really lonely without him plus messing up our entire benefits right at a time when we need to save and pay out a lot, right when I so don't have spare buffer money. In short, getting the job is going to create for me more work than I could really handle right now but handle it I would have to ... what a bloody horrible few months this is turning out to be.

17 Minutes

12 watching - 0 bids :-(

Could the price be too high?
Are they all waiting until the last moment to grab a bargain?
Are they time wasters?
Are they mates and interested parties just making the figures look good?
Is this the wrong time to sell?

16 mins ... zilch

15 mins ... zilch

11 mins ... zilch, no change, nothing happening

Am expecting some email in around 12 mins suggesting an off ebay sale of £3500

10 mins ... zilch

7 mins ... zilch

6 mins ... zilch

What the fuck do I do, I need this money and going lower is going to cripple me financially ... even at this price I lose over £2500 in a year from what I paid.

1 min ... zilch :-(

< 1 min ... zilch

:-(

I feel totally crap ... right now I am thinking sledge hammer, insurance claim. Right now I am hating all those tight fisted bastards that won't things given away. Right now I am really hating all those 12 that watched my misery

What's to show?

With 1 1/2 days left on the C5 being auctioned on Ebay I have 7 people watching it ... not one bid, not one contacting me to arrange a viewing. This is not looking good as simply watching means sod all in terms of hard cash and that's what I need right now. If not right now then certainly in the coming month.

It is now less than 3 weeks until my birthday. At a time when I should be reaping the rewards of decades of parenting I am still knowing that my birthday, if it is notable at all, will be because of my partner or my friends, my family will no doubt fail to acknowledge it more than saying 'happy birthday' and that's that. My dad will most likely send a cheque which will get absorbed into the family budget because that's the way of things. Jermaine can't do anything just because he can't. Matt can't do anything because he has no money and he just won't. At least I have the day clear from meetings but that may not stop the phone ringing about something I don't want to deal with on my birthday. The day after I have an important meeting to discuss Jermaine's future.

The weather is dire though there is, apparently, the chance of some nice warm stuff on Thursday so, memo to self ... get one's arse out there and enjoy it. Hopefully Thursday will also be my last day with the car too. After this I am off to check Ebay rules again regarding sellers and buyers and what rights I have if someone makes a bid then refuses to buy the car on the day.

It's Nick's birthday next Monday and I have no idea what to get him. Money is tight and we may not have a car so I am stuck for ideas. I was considering just paying for a removal van for him and lending my muscle and John's for the day to move him into his new place. He won't get that on the day of course but at least it is something positive.

It is really difficult to resist the urge to spend money at the moment. As most of it has been spent on fast food I am concentrating strongly in that area to reduce the cost. It's not good for me and is putting the brakes on other things I want to do.

Off to Robin's place today to see if I can see anything obviously wrong with his PC. I do so hope it is obvious because there is no money to replace anything. I am hoping it's just a loose connection inside as it doesn't sound like a software issue. Fingers cross on that as I don't want to spend all day getting nowhere with it.

Matt has not given me any indication of whether or not he needs a lift anywhere. He did his usual trick yesterday or bringing Zoe over and hiding her in his room. From what I could tell they were still up gone 02:30 and that may only have given either of them 3 1/2 hours sleep. Bloody stupid if you ask me when Matt knows he has to be up until around midnight. He'll probably be puppy dogging outside where Zoe works as well. He's an idiot as usual. Says he doesn't want a girlfriend yet running headlong into a relationship in all but name, totally on the rebound ... I just so hope we don't have any grandchildren any time soon as that was most certainly the subject of my nightmare last night.

Eurovision ... I have gone bonkers!

After way over a decade of not watching (except for a brief moment in 2000 which doesn't count cos it was on in the pub) I am going to sit down tonight with friends and watch Eurovision 2007. I promise not to get angry about the political voting or to laugh at the crapness of the acts, I shall be good and use this as a healthy distraction from the real world!

Matt has again decided not to date Kerry. He says he'd quite like for a while not to be dating anyone ... I give it two weeks.

The car now has 5 people watching ... please can they all start bidding now so I can at least feel there is a chance of selling the car. What worries me is that were it me I'd be asking to look at the car myself rather than thinking on paying over £4000 for a car I have not seen. As none of these 5 have contacted me I have to conclude that either they really do like leaving these things to the last minute or that they are not serious bidders, maybe just others trying to sell a C5 and wondering what they go for these days!

Robin is having a lovely time in London though I have totally forgotten again which show he is seeing tonight ... this is annoying because when he told me I did know the show ... hey, wait ... yes, it's that one, erm ... On the Town maybe? Yep, just checked and it is and it was a good movie so hopefully a good show as well.

We are looking forward to our own London trip the week after next. We had planned to go to a Kagoul event but as it is being run by member littleangel and he's a little twat with no brain who loves himself more than any one else possibly could and is only doing it for attention and his own select guest list ... well, we are not going to that, have better things to do. Hopefully Robin will take us down there as also 'hopefully', we won't have a car by then.

Bought myself some new clothes yesterday. I have now finally got myself a larger sized assembly of things to wear as I really can't see myself realistically losing weight any time soon.

The car on Ebay

By the way ... if any of my friends are watching the progress of the car on Ebay, can they not please?

All I have to go on is how many are watching and, hopefully, bidding. I don't get details so as it stands right now it looks like I have three potential bidders watching the car ... I'd hate that to turn out to be three mates just checking in even with the best of intentions!

Getting to that point?

Not sure, it's sure getting close.

When Jermaine went away I was convinced we could all get along with our lives and things would greatly improve, we'd all be so much more relaxed. What I didn't account for was how stupid Matt would get.

Because of a small child he gave up University and any chance of a prosperous future in favour of under age sex and pushing trolley's at Tesco.

I have tolerated this relationship hoping that one or both of them may at some point grow up enough to see sense and the past few days I thought they may have got there. She was wanting the level of freedom he wouldn't allow and he was finding the way she was behaving unacceptable. He said how things were just not working, how he couldn't trust her because she was to heavily and easily in contact with other guys. All this has now changed apparently in the last 24 hours. Again they are desperately in love, the man and the child and she's promised she wants no one but him and he's prepared to throw away what ever he has to so he can be with her. I am convinced that one of his two jobs (both of which he has to keep) will be thrown away rather than not see her. He will not consider for one moment the consequences of that either.

He's been uncontrollable on booze to the point he has caused a fair amount of damage in the house and become a laughing stock amongst some of his 'friends' who now see him as the guy that can't stay sober long enough to see the end of his own party.

He has no control at all over his spending and again I have found myself subsidising him to the tune of £300. He is still using his phone like the credit never runs out. Last month he ran a bill of way over £70. It's like he cares about nothing but his own happiness and will keep hitting that self destruct button over and over as long as he gets his own way.

He wants to smoke, he wants to get pissed, he wants to spend money he doesn't have and he wants to treat me like shit. I don't even get acknowledged when I pick him up. He's on his phone either sending texts of speaking to someone. He'll walk away from the car when we pull up outside after a conversational void of a journey and just walk away without so much of an acknowledgement that I have done anything for him. Tonight he got in the car, didn't even look at me and carried on talking on his phone. Some time into the journey he stopped talking (though not texting) and asked if I was OK and I said how unhappy I was with him not appreciating that I'd driven all the way there at my own cost to do him a favour and he'd not even acknowledged me. He replied, fine, he'll find his own way home in future. So, it's not a problem he has with rudeness, it is all my unreasonable over-sensitivity.

In short, I really don't like him right now. He is one of the most rude and arrogant people I know at the moment and were he anyone but my son I'd want nothing to do with him. He's lost all my respect.

Right now, I think I shall go check out the latest damage he has done to his bedroom door.

Ebay Listing

Item number: 220109924212

Should anyone be interested ... I guess selling some stuff I don't need may not be such a bad idea right now!

Nervous? Me?

You bet I am

I have finally got around to listing my Citroen on Ebay, it took way longer than I'd imagined so now the bidding probably ends at very late O'clock in 10 days time, no matter.

Not that I should be worried by this because I have done my sums. I need to get £4100 to break even on the sale of this car and the repair of the Sebring. But that money is over £2000 less than I paid for the car in worse condition just over a year ago! I am taking a huge loss on it. My theory is that should I get more than one bidder it could fly and if I don't, I get something which is better than the nothing I have right now. With a bill of potentially £2500 for the Sebring repairs I can't afford to get nothing. What this means is that I effectively don't start saving for the holiday spending money until today giving me just 10 weeks over which time, if I am lucky, I may just get it together providing nothing else huge hits me (it probably will). I do still need to pay for the insurance on the Citroen which I have had to keep up and also the insurance on the Sebring which is going to be around £550 which I may just have to accept paying in expensive instalments if I don't get a good price for the C5.

It's done now so just to see what happens ... feel free to watch the price sky rocket on Ebay (I wish) and, better yet ... bid on the flippin' thing!

Good new for Nick. I know Kings Heath is not the best estate in town but it sure beats a cardboard box and sleeping on mates floors. At least it is a council place so the only way is up and it's dead cheap too. I looked at it today from the outside and would be interested in how big they are as they all look a fair size with their balconies. True, there are chavs all over the place there but being right on the edge of the estate should mean problems would be minimal if at all.

I was quite pleased with myself earlier for doing a DIY job at Robin's new bungalow. The paint is making me feel dead shit but it'll pass, it always happens around paint. I could have made it better, not my best work and I know it could have been a lot smoother but, to be honest, the fumes were not good so I speeded it up and skimped a little on the detail. I am sure it'll do OK though. Once the flooring is down and the furniture in it'll look lovely.

May pop into Homebase tomorrow and cost some shelving options as there will be a fair amount needed.

John made a little cock up earlier ... the outlaws came for tea. I was feeling crap so had a sleep. It's quite funny really but he clean forgot to feed them! We'd not long had dinner so no one else was hungry.

The play 'Curtain Up on Murder' was excellent even though I hate the drive there and back. For a small company they do ever so well and I was pleased to hear the NODA rep giving such high praise, well deserved indeed. I don't feel it would be too much to ask to get one or two disabled spaces outside the village hall though, I am sure they have a legal requirement to do so.

I shall be interested to hear how Matt plans to have the holiday spending money whilst spending all his currently available spending money, should be interesting ... unless he doesn't get any in which case he is going to me so Mr. Unpopular!

Robin's housewarming party is on June 23rd at the new place, contact me for the address if you want to go.

Cup of tea anyone?

My Head Hurts

They are at it again ... I should be shocked but I'm not. Matt is back to smoking ... he's apparently so hooked on his 'one or two' a day habit he finds it impossible to quit. This is, in fact, so typically Matt. Full of intentions yet expecting them to just resolve themselves which he knows they will because he's an expert on such things. He is also using poppers still, he bought some in London at the weekend. He's been smoking and using reccie drugs in front of Daisy, setting a great example ... I think not.

Daisy, for her part, has been lying to me and stealing from Matt. In this case it is the mentioned before poppers from his room. It's just so very difficult to ground her any more than I have but I still have some avenues left open to me.

Matt in particular has so much going for him yet seems intent on hitting the self destruct button. He doesn't like it any more than I do but then, he'd have to actually change his attitude to stop being an idiot and as he knows everything that matters, he cannot get his head around the possibility he may be wrong about something.

Robin got the keys for the bungalow earlier and is happy as Larry albeit that he doesn't know that just yet! At least he has the carpets sorted and it's just a matter of getting some paperwork sorted then the hard work of actually packing and moving which, if he makes his case well enough, he can get help with paying for.

On a plus side ... and stuff could still go tits up on this ... I received this from the Health Commissioning Team:

Also I would like to inform you that funding has been agreed for Jermaine to move to The Coach House in Corby subject to training needs being met and adequate plans being put in place to meet his health care needs.

The next stage is to confirm with Matthew the provision of training and meet to discuss a transition for Jermaine.

Yours Sincerely

Annoyingly, I am so cynical and tired much of the time that I cannot cheer about that as much as I would like to. Things have been on the brink of happening before then all fallen through. If only the defence system of my immune system was as strong as that for my emotions!