Head - Brick Wall

This is how I am feeling right now, I am hitting my head against one each and every day!

We are financially in a bit of a state and yet I am daily asked to spend money on luxuries despite saying how we actually don't have it to spend. I have not had so much as a nibble on the car and am at a bit of a loss to know what to do about that. I really don't think I can afford to let it go to cheap, it is already at a very reasonable selling price but maybe just no one wants them in which case I am screwed.

Matt still have no money yet managed to spend over £50 on clothes this weekend. It's like, am I the only one living in the real world here? He then gave me advice that I should sell the Sebring as soon as it is fixed to solve my financial problem ... totally defeating the object of getting it in the first place and using the argument that there is no point getting a left hand drive car to aid John's hearing as I probably won't stay with him anyway!

Matt is talking Tattoos again, he insists he knows what he is doing.

Daisy is wearing way too much tarty make up.

I am not feeling 100%, have not done for a couple of days and earlier John started to feel the same way.

Oh, buggrit.

A Mysterious Discovery

Daisy and I went for a walk this evening. We didn't plan on going far just somewhere to keep the pulse up a little and burn off some fat. There are some nice houses that have been built by Dallington park and I thought it would be nice to give them a look over.

We walked down the road and found out it went on further than I had anticipated and what we discovered there kind of blew our minds. There is Dallington House for a start, a huge mansion with stable blocks and all the other things a huge house has. Then we found ourselves in Dallington Village. I didn't even know there was one but here it was on our own doorstep a village dating back in places some 400 years. There was a lovely little pub (The Wheat Sheaf) with a beer garden opposite a 400 year old church with old houses all over the place and a babbling brook running through it. All this village bliss in the heart of Northampton and just 2 miles from the town centre. Should I win Euro Millions this weekend I so know where we are moving to!

Onwards and sideways

Been moderately eventful today except for a lot of not really happening stuff such as the zero calls for the car.

Both John and Matt have been job hunting today. Matt needs to bump up his hours to full time whilst John needs to bump up his ours to 'at all'. As Mr Sod would have it, they have both been called in for interview by BHS for the same job. Well, not exactly the same job but more a case of two part time jobs. One will suit Matt and allow him to do a morning for BHS and then Tesco in the evening. The other will be later in the day and better for John but ideally, Matt would have preferred both part time jobs to run together so he could ditch Tesco. As it is quite possible neither of them will get the job this is probably a non starter but one thing crossed my mind. If they give the job to Matt with zero retail qualifications and not to John with an NVQ level 2 in retail ... do we sue for breach of disability discrimination laws? An interesting question but not one I shall lose any sleep over!

Summer? Surely not

Hasn't the weather been just great? (It'll be snowing next week)

Since Matt moved back in he has been really nice to be around, really making an effort. Daisy is sort of making an effort but I am not really convinced.

The collection of the Sebring has been delayed because the garage has some difficulties but should happen this coming Thursday.

Meetings, email and phone calls still happening regarding Jermaine and his move (or not). It has been looking hopeful of late but nothing is ever certain until it happens in this game.

A lovely 24 hours or so in France yesterday. My French held up well on the food but apparently I could not make myself clear enough on the difference between Rosé and Red with wine and that of brown and blonde with the beer and I thought those were things I said rather clearly.

It was ever so good that Robin allowed himself to be told what to do rather than trying to be all independent for the day, that wouldn't have worked at all as it would have been real frustrating to have been watching him struggle all day when there was simply no need. Have to say, the Etap hotels are excellent value for money. They are basic but they have what is needed for an overnight stay.

The Citroen is now up for sale. John and I spend a few hours today getting it clean so hopefully the calls will flood in and we can get it shifted sooner rather than later. My bank account is groaning under the strain so it would be nice to get a deposit in there ready for the next big bill.

Oh my, look at my hands, I look all butch and manly ... that will never do so I sense a bath coming on!

A yearly event

Me losing kids seems to be a yearly event and it's probably the toughest thing I have had to deal with in all my life with the possible exception of my mum dyeing on me in 1986.

Matt has decided to go though I don't know the details just yet. I suspect they are not very well thought out. He's also got lucky yet again with another cheque for a four figure sum landing in his lap so he's not actually having to make any financial commitment to this venture, it's just an easy solution to his current problem and once again he's running away. The difference is that this time the safety net is gone.

If I am hopeful of anything though not optimistic, it is that he may just see this is a chance to take some responsibility in life and not arrange things just to make himself look popular. In particular I would aim this at the way he treats Daisy. No more being the idol brother but time to take the lead and steer her in the right direction and to keep me informed all the time so she doesn't go ever deeper down.

On that note, he told me that Dan (boyfriend) has been supplying Daisy with fags against my wishes obviously. I sat him down and spoke to him directly about it a few weeks back and said that I was trusting him with her but that if he crossed me that would be the end to it ... he crossed me, he's history.

Daisy is now totally grounded and banned from going anywhere unless an adult I trust is with her and that is not going to be easy to arrange. I have also taken her phone away from her. She can have friends over but only with my permission if I am here and at all times the bedroom door has to be left wide open. No one is allowed to stay over any more.

Kris, the kids mother has agreed to babysit them next week whilst John and I go to France but I got the impression that it is with great reluctance. I could hear that immigrant scum husband of hers complaining like hell in the background that he didn't want them there. If I can find a workaround I shall. On the subject of Kris ... I sorted out a computer for her to have a couple of weeks back and she seemed keen ... turns out her husband doesn't want it or anything from here but she forgot to tell me that so it has just been sitting here taking up room in my hallway.

I'm getting shot of Mags PC tomorrow too by dropping it off at Robin's, she had a right cheek even asking me to look at it. I am all for helping out mates but I don't owe her anything.

I had to giggle the other day when reading through Robin's will ... I am the chief beneficiary which as far as I can see means I actually don't get anything. I say that because as far as I can read I can't touch anything until such time as the estate debts and funeral expenses are taken care of and it doesn't take a mathematical genius to work out that will probably leave nothing at all except a houseful of stuff to clear over to the charity shop because there is nothing I can do with it and it has no value. I don't mind but just thought it was funny.

For the record, right now ... by which I mean the past few days, I have been really shaky, depressed and near tears most of the time. I can still laugh but it's short lived. Trying to adjust to a new reality is never easy but I guess it's all part of life. You may well note this blog has a new title and how true it is.

From hero to zero

I went back to bed earlier, partly tired, mainly depressed. Matt came round whilst I was there to collect something.

He gave John a wave, left a note to Daisy saying how wonderful she was and that's it.

It seems 19 years of caring and loving don't count for anything.

To be honest, I don't want to do anything, I could not care less right now. I don't care if the holiday happens or not, have lost all enthusiasm for the new car, don't want to talk to anyone or even, quite frankly, exist right at the moment.

Losing kids is always difficult I guess but it seems the way mine are going is just so cruel. Other people have kids who maybe leave home, call to say hi, visit and stuff. When my kids go I am dead to them. That's failure in y book, no other way of putting it and I don't want to be told otherwise because it's not true.

My feelings at the moment are that I am a failed parent, I am fat and unexciting. Why John is still hanging around I don't know because I am paying him hardly any attention any more. I love him but that's not good enough, he deserves more and I am sure he doesn't have a clue what is going on right now.

I've been down before so I have the experience to know I shall bounce back up. I am thankful, there is a reason for how I am feeling which means that eventually it will go as I get used to the idea.

Maybe tomorrow things will look better.

One thing, when I worry I 'do' so the house is getting to look quite clean right now and I may start on the car tomorrow. I am going to use it this coming week then after visiting Ian & Richard I will clean it up and advertise it.

The most difficult and thankless job on the planet

20 years ago I took on a position in the social sector which at the time I thought would be pleasure and excitement with infinite rewards. The prospects looked good and though the holiday entitlement was zero and the hours just total crap it seemed like a good job and I tool up my post.

Sadly, it soon transpired that the product was not as perfect as I was lead to believe which made the task a whole lot more difficult. There were four that were manufactured, two of them didn't turn out as planned, parts of their software malfunctioned requiring constant attention.

The two good units were required to bolster the abilities of the defective units which inevitably meant their programming got overloaded when they were asked to do more than their original remit.

Despite this the units performed admirably and I was rightly proud.

Sadly, just over a year ago, one of the defective units had degenerated so badly that it had to be sent away as the current working environment was no longer suited to it's needs.

It was with deep regret that the management had to let this unit go. It was an emotional blow to nurture for so long and finally have to concede defeat allowing the first off the production line to be taken away.

What had not been taken into account when making this decision was how badly the remaining units would function without the missing component for by this time they had learnt to function as a single unit as was part of the original specification.

In the last quarter of 2006 and first of 2006 I have seen a steep decline in the output of the two unit which were originally functioning to optimum levels. The remaining defective unit seems to have shown a marked improvement.

As part of a damage limitation exercise I have had to let go one of the early units just recently and it breaks my heart, it really does.

Whilst it was always the intention to allow all units to be autonomous, the reality is very hard to accept. That one of them I have had to let go this year because he is seriously malfunctioning is very upsetting. I have tried to repair it but it is just bringing the quality of the other units down. In an effort to salvage something positive from my career I had to let it go.

Whilst 20 years is by most standards a short career it has been very hard work and continues to be so. As of this time I cannot say I have excelled in my post. At best I can only be described as 'average, could do better'.

Why?

Everything was going so well. I did the math and I could afford to buy the new car with even a bad sale price on the old car, it was perfect, a win win situation. I really should know better.

Turns out that to get rid of this message on the screen in my car is going to cost me the better part of £1000 which not only gets rid of any element in my figures for error but also means I am going to have to find at least £500 I don't have (more off the holiday spending money I guess) to get the jobs done. If it then happens to cost more than estimate to get the Sebring running again I am screwed, the money isn't there and all because I was stupid enough to buy yet another crap Citroen!

I despair at times at how my luck goes, when is it my turn to get some good luck?

On the plus side, this time next year the events of this moment and the next few months will all be forgotten as (hopefully) I will have got back out of debt by then and everything will be rosy again ... why do I just know that's bollox

Big News!!!!!

OK, not so big news first ... Matt, as usual, missed most of his party last night which was a shame because it was really quite cool. He still insists he was in control of things but then, he was in bed by around midnight and the party finally closed down around 3am.

Earlier on we'd been to see the Mikado in Stantonbury and it was good, as they normally are with the G&S mob there. I am still not sure it is quite my thing but I can't fault their production which was excellent.

Now, the BIG NEWS ... I have been building up to a mid life crisis for some time and normally when I have these things it involves the USA in some way and now is no exception.

Earlier on this morning I had it confirmed that I'd won on Ebay a Sebring.

I got it for under what I was prepared to pay which has to be a bonus. The downer is that it's going to cost me around £2500 to get it road worthy again which means selling my C5 ASAP else I'll not have the money for it. selling that car is going to be a paid because I need to get it repaired first which clearly I am now going to do as cheaply as I possibly can. I reckon pay for the engine problem, get one new tyre, a bit of paint for the headlamp washer covers and screw in the underside and off it goes and hopefully for around £5000 but if I can get more, great stuff!












Potentially I could be off the road for some three months whilst repairs are done, less if it takes longer to see the C5 but then, I don't want to be sweating that I won't have the money to pay for the repairs. I could always put it on the car of course but hell, that means interest payments which I could well do without.