It's (sadly) Official

I am now more overweight than I have ever been in my life and not by any small amount either. I am now over 8 pounds heavier than ever before. This would explain why I have no respect for my appearance any more, why I feel very often depressed and, most important, why I am in so much horrible pain so much of the time. The simple truth is that my lower joints simply cannot manage the weight I am putting on them. Add to this a feeling of being mostly tired, that I am sweating an awful lot and it all adds up to a life changing experience.

From right now I am on a diet change and that is going to mean zero fat. One cup of tea a day and the rest either water or cordial drinks. Only eating salad and fruit and getting a lot more exercise. If I don't do this I am going to get worse and worse until there is no recovery point and I am on 24/7 medication just to cope with life. I am not going to spoil what should be some really enjoyable experience because I eat too much.

Time to start over and I need the help of everyone around me

Perhaps a look at the Panto?

http://www.martynhicks.co.uk/panto/frames.html

Not always is good fortune good timing

Matt had got himself in trouble again financially, it's an all too common event and each time he has been bailed out with the inevitable following arguments whilst he makes all sorts of excuses which mainly consist of how he has it all under control cos he's gonna get a job which pays more, do overtime or whatever and, of course, these things don't happen and low and behold a student loan pops up and resolves it all for him. He thinks he's won some sort of victory on we go until the next cock up. This is just one such time and there was no student loan in the pipeline to rescue him this time. For the first time ever he'd have to take this seriously and work through it like an adult. Learn how to budget and actively make sure he had more money coming in ... the truth being that he is living way beyond his means. So, there I am quite excited that finally my little boy is going to grow up and take some responsibility at last ... How wrong was I?

An envelope arrived and I knew what it was right away. Sure enough it was a letter from CICA confirming an award of £3400 as compensation for the attack on Matt over a year ago. As usual he's confirmed his position as the man who lands in the shit and comes out smelling of roses.

I am over the moon he got the award but really sad that the timing of it has taken away all incentive to learn from his mistakes. He's already used 90% of his phone credit with not yet half the month gone. There is no way he'll have enough self control just not to call so expect another huge bill ... the last one was £90 above his £40 a month contract charge.

What scares me is that he'll really land in the shit one day and there will be nothing to save him from it.

Just got back from a weekend in Bristol ... oh yes I did!

We went mainly to see Martyn in panto (Aladdin) but also for a break. We watched two movies ... 'Hot Fuzz' which was excellent and 'Epic Movie' which was total crap. The Chinese on Saturday was rubbish too. I have never been to such a bad buffet in the UK.

The Panto was really good, OK, not 'really' good but more a case of ... considering the size of the company and the space they have for the show they do amazingly well. Sadly, the girl playing Aladdin didn't really have a good voice but her personality more than made up for it and she covered for some otherwise weak performances especially from the 'cops' (the dames from last year). I said it last year and again this year ... smile already! Martyn was excellent and looked quite dashing with his furry features, it really suited him. His rendition of 'Trust in Me' was magical and he really played up to the audience and got well and truly booed for it (as he should have been of course being the bad guy).

The AA man from last year got a promotion to Emperor though he still had too many lines to say ... maybe next year he can be restricted to 'words' rather than lines? Bless him, I am sure he does his level best but when there is a paying audience the cast needs to at least look pro and he sadly is not up to the task of front of stage cast member. The role of Jasmine was inspired. She was not the visual choice but boy could that girl knock out a tune. Speaking of tunes ... I was not so impressed by the musical score or playing this year as I was last year. All seemed a little basic like neither player was being stretched, sort of midi file nightmare land. The fairy was better this year and her lines were less than I recall from last year.

The timing of the interval was just silly. It seemed like the performance was extended to accommodate the interval rather than the interval giving the audience a break from the very uncomfortable seating and several people were heard to be complaining about numb bottoms and aching limbs.

It was fun though and The Widow Twankee did a good job though I suspect his voice will be strained for a few days to come.

In the Land of the Living

The Rheumatology department at the hospital reckoned that my joint pain would be eased considerably were I to take some anti anxiety pills. Apparently, so the theory goes, if I am nice and relaxed the pain will simply go away.

Tried said pills for a week. Pain got worse and I spent much of my time asleep or just off with the fairies. I decided that taken them is no longer an option as I really do need a life.

Earlier I decided that there was way too much clutter around me so something had to change. My mind decided that if my desk were to move 18" to the right that I would have a vastly improved workspace and thus feel happier and become more content (just goes to prove the tablets were crap). An hour or two later the job was complete and the office looks a lot bigger and my desk looks huge, no clutter! I am a happy bunny again :-)

Matt is still gliding along waiting for something to happen to get him out of the current hole. It may do but probably won't and it'll all be left to late to make any difference by the time real panic sets in.

Time for a service ... yes, it is that time of year when the car requires a full service and MOT. It also needs a couple of new tyres and some repair work and if I get any change from £600 I shall be surprised to say the least, I am expecting much more. Annoyingly, the car knows it's service time too and doesn't miss an opportunity to bleep at me with all the various little glitches it is currently finding. Bleep, Bleep, Bleep .... fucking BLEEP! I am wondering if I change the language to French whether I will get a lovely accordion effect but probably not.

There have been no repercussions as yet in relation to the incident in the snow. There is still time and I can't believe solving the chav problem was as simple as belting one of them, we can only live in hope whilst keeping a careful eye out at the same time.

I am so ashamed of myself :-(

As mentioned in my last blog we have been getting some hassle from local chavs throwing the snowballs and stuff.

I got to a point earlier where I couldn't stay in the house any more because it was winding me up so. What I needed to do was remove myself from the situation so got John and Zoey ready and headed for the car, Daisy stayed home alone not wanting to go out in the cold.

I don't remember a great deal, it's a bit of a blur now but I know we were coming in for some abuse and had snowballs thrown at us and at some point I just snapped. The ringleader, this mixed race kid pushed me further than I thought it was possible to push me and I went for him. Initially I grabbed his throat, I just wanted to shut him up. When he smiled at me I could see the smile I got back in the old house from the kid there that terrorised us for years knowing he'd get away with it. I freaked. Very soon I let go of him totally shocked by what he had done and then, when I did, the kid (14) smiled at me, he knew he'd one a victory and I snapped again and hit him once, maybe twice. There were loads of witnesses to it and I feel so terribly ashamed. I am not ashamed because there were witnesses but because I can lose control like that. That has not happened since Jermaine was here on one of those times he was attacking everyone and I was trying to restrain him and getting really hurt. It's just so not me to be like that.

When we left and after loads of abuse and one particularly well aimed snowball to my crotch they turned their attention on the house with their boots and tried to break the door down. Daisy was justifiably terrified and had to call the police.

All I keep thinking is that here we go again, this is the start of it all over again and I love this house, I don't want to have to move again.

But those snowballs though, it was like each time a brick was going through again, all the terror of before came back, I could feel it was different and didn't know how to react, I should have just stayed indoors, turned something up really loud and tried to block it out.

Now I am in fear of what is going to happen next, I can't believe this is the end of it. I have moved the car to far away from the house and hope it's far enough, at least I can relax knowing that is not likely to be picked on. Of course, I could just be dead unlucky and some drunk will pick on it in the pub car park where it currently is. That was the only place I could park it over there where it didn't stand out, no one over there parks their cars on the road.

What the hell is wrong with people these days.

There's Snow Business like ...

Yep, the first snows of 2007 arrived yesterday and I can't even say I gave it my normal 'wow'. For some reason I decided it wasn't going to last and so could already see the mush before it started and that's how it is now. It's the usual story of something which used to be fun in my younger days now not being so and it's mainly to do with the chavs around here. Going out yesterday was target practise for them, fortunately they are terrible at throwing and missed me but it's just something I can't think of any of the kids doing when I was their age, throwing snow balls at adults we didn't know just wasn't on but then, that was back in the days when a threat to tell our parents amounted to something. As usual the area outside is a mess with pieces of wood and crates all over the place where they have been used as sleds. Kids thought it a great idea yesterday to barricade the road further up making drivers turn around and go all the way round because the snow balls they'd placed there were too big to move and the chavs would have been taking the piss out of whoever tried to do so. Thankfully there were no emergencies as it'd be a disaster had an ambulance or fire engine needed to get up there. These are not even little chavs that did this, they are 15+. They should know better but they don't hence why they are chavs I guess. The ones throwing the snowballs were probably no more than 12 or 13 and they really do consider us fair game. I don't know if it is because we are gay or just that for reasons only they know, they don't like us but much of yesterday we were getting snowballs hurled at the house. No damage, it was just annoying.

Matt has gone out again. He's off to see Kerry because all the schools are closed. He asked her to come here but she said no, she wanted to go shopping so guess where they have gone today. I tried to talk to him explaining that she appears to be taking the piss and that this relationship of theirs is all one sided but he can't see it, they are in love of course. He suggested a while back that things would be so much better if she were to come round here more often and be part of the family. As it is, I don't really know the girl, barely met her at all and all my experiences of her with the very odd exception from what I have been told have been negative. Needless to say, she doesn't come around here, it's just not entertaining enough and Matt was using loads of excuses before he told what was actually happening today. It's like he knows she is taking the piss and just wants to cover for her all the time, ultimate protection. He is not telling lies as such but more being very economical with the truth. He accused me of being stressed out, I wasn't, I was very calm just feeling sorry for him really because he just doesn't see how others see his relationship, he never does, he gets blinded by love every time. I'd respect him a lot more if he acknowledged the facts, stopped protecting the situation and then said he doesn't give a fuck, he's doing it all anyway because what he gets out of it is more than what he puts in. That's what I'd wished I'd done when I first introduced Kris to the family. I knew she was not perfect yet I expected everyone else just to see her as such and respect my decision. I had not yet realised that people will see other people as they are. Asking them to ignore their own feelings for what could be a very long time is not an option. I needed to acknowledge then that she was not liked and made an effort to change her to fit in or avoid the people she pissed off. Matt can't say he's doing that yet because I have not had a chance to get to know her one way or another to get to like her. Still, what do I know eh?

I do know that the same situation exists now with John as it did with Kris. He's very immature, totally uneducated and people that I know are bound to be finding that challenging. No one has said anything of course, families say something, friends just stop handing out the invites. But I do have to appreciate that others are going to find him challenging, I do at times so they must do! Whilst this is a fact I also know he has some qualities that I greatly admire. He is incredibly loving and understanding. He is excellent with the younger kids, I think he pisses Matt off. His heart is in the right place and he is good for me which just makes it all the harder if I think my friends don't approve but I can't moan about that, it's their choice and I know that if they had partners I didn't understand or get along with, I would take a step back as well.

One thing which has to change is my lifestyle because I am making myself really unhappy. I am staying up really late because it's what John likes to do. Most times it is way past 2 in the morning and often 3 and then whilst he is still relaxing in bed until 11 I am up dealing with stuff by 7 or 8. By the time he gets up I am already knackered and that's when he wants to go out somewhere. He is really attentive during the day and it's borderline 'clingy' and I am not getting 'me time'. This is not helped this week by Daisy being off for most of the time with a cold and the schools being closed these two days with the effects of the weather. When John is not asking for a hug I am being asked for something by the girls and Matt comes and goes as he pleases so it feels like my mind is constantly busy. Each time I sit down to do something I have to get side tracked onto something else. Thankfully I can multi-task and have been typing this whilst talking to John at the same time ... I am expecting the phone to ring any time now because that's what happens ... it feels like I am in some weird experiment to see how much input the brain can take before it blows up! :-)

Daisy has decided that seeing as she has a cold she doesn't have to do any chores so it's been really difficult to get anything done.

Zoey is back to her old tricks of using mega amounts of toilet roll and blocking the toilet. She also uses mega amounts of liquid soap on her many visits to the bathroom, a place I reckon she considers to be her own personal playground. As if this was not bad enough she goes through feminine hygiene products like they cost nothing. I bought her a dozen night time towels just three days ago and she has used them all already. She does, in fact, use towels every single day regardless of whether she is having a period or not, I believe this is a trick her mother taught her. The only difference here is that her mother has had so many kids she now pisses herself when she coughs or sneezes hence the need for the towel, this and she doesn't actually pay for the kids to have these products so she can encourage as much use as she wants.

Thankfully, tomorrow we are off to Birmingham for the weekend. There are some things planned but no real pressure to do any of them, we can just suit ourselves or stay in the hotel room if we please.

There are a few things to look forward to at the moment. There is this weekend but also we are staying in Bristol for two nights at the end of the month. Next month we have a weekend with Pete and Stan, probably the first and last together (see above) and then, at the end of the month Robin is planning an overnight trip to France which should be cool.

The money right now is dire. I am in the black but it's very fragile. To avoid having to borrow on my credit card in July I will have to save something like £90 each week for the next 5 months. That doesn't allow any room for unexpected bills. I really can't see it happening but was hoping that this year I could go into Christmas and 2008 in credit for a change instead of playing catch up with the money. Prices have just gone up so much it seems impossible to manage like I used to be able to. In theory this should be a piece of piss as I actually have around £250 unallocated income each week. That I am going to find £90 a week a struggles says a lot about my level of overspend. True, it doesn't help when I am owed the best part of £2000 for which I go into debt for and then immediately spend that and then some on a holiday. The fact is, it has been so long since I have been in credit and not owed money that I simply don't believe I am capable of saving any more and if I am not then this holiday to Gran Canaria is going to be a very expensive example of that ... maybe I shall finally learn my lesson and live within my means?