If time gets any quicker I am going to fall off!

The past couple of weeks have flown by, I mean, it was barely the other day when it was tomorrow and even that was yesterday a few days ago.

Apart from a few little bits that I shall complete tomorrow and that the main item of furniture doesn’t arrive until May 16, the ‘J’ lounge is finished and it does look quite amazing if I say so myself.

The deal I got on the TV was good, paid £55 for a 24” wide screen and it works really well. I had to go to Birmingham for it but that was OK seeing as I also needed to get some bits from IKEA … enjoyed that with some cute guys eyeing me up.

Hope you enjoyed the second part of my ‘short’ story ‘Be Careful What You Ask For’? I am not sure it flowed as much as the first chapter but then, that is because this one was just building up to something else. I am also not sure about the switch of perspective from Dave to Steve.

There is a reason why I chose the name ‘Dave’ and that is because quite often when I tell my name to people they somehow hear it as Dave and it just sticks in my mind, I have often said, who is this Dave?

It’s Daisy’s birthday today but it was a lot less than she originally had planned and the party she was to have on Saturday got totally cancelled and all down to her appalling behaviour and her insisting on telling lies even when it is stupidly obvious, hopefully she may learn something from this but I suspect I have years to go yet. Matt wasn’t much different and he’s only just stepped out the other side in the past year, he still steps back into stroppy teenager now and then when it suits him!

I may have gone a little far explaining Martyn to Simon but he seemed to want to know so it seemed like the right thing to do and I couldn’t do it in half measures else I would have been lying and that’s just not how I work.

My efforts to get to talk to more people seem to be paying off as I have been contacted by a few guys recently and have had some long chats, it proves to me I can do it if I set my mind to it, it’s just getting off my butt and doing it that is the problem!

I could go on for ages about the solicitors today and what we discussed but the only thing worth sharing on that score is that during our conversation my phone rang. Right now I am using ‘Moon Chavs’ as my ring tone (http://dizzyqueen.net/chavs.htm) and he seemed to be really amused about it, clearly he doesn’t have a fondness for chavs either!

Yesterday I confirmed to the PCT that Jermaine would be moved to Kettering and the good thing is, we all seem to be singing from the same song book now. The weird thing is, they don’t seem to be making any considerable saving from the move, she was quite open about it and the saving is negligible and doesn’t influence anything as much as the PCT would like it to!

Lucy at the PCT asked when I was off on holiday so I told her and she asked if I was going along? I told her that no I wasn’t. I was going with this tall, blonde hunky guy and she told me not to say anymore because she is a married woman and not allowed to get jealous of such things!

Finally got Robin’s network kind of set up last night, I just couldn’t get the XP machine to see there was a network but at least both machines can see the net and the laptop, which runs ’98, can see the XP desktop. Weird how the one that I thought was going to cause me problems works better than the one using XP that should have been a breeze … any possible solutions on a postcard please!

'Be Careful What You Ask For' (2)

Chapter 2

I can’t believe my luck. There laying beside me is some kind of God, a dream guy and he wants me, at least, he says he does but how can he? We only just met yesterday, he could be some weirdo for all I know. But look at him, he looks shattered but so peaceful. Is he going to wake up and realise it has all been some terrible mistake, what do ‘I’ look like? Hell, I was lucky yesterday, I’d only just had my hair done and I’ve lost some weight recently but what if he had turned up a few weeks ago when I was fat and had long messy hair, hadn’t shaved … crikey this could have been different.

Dave turned to me and opened his eyes … “Steve, is that you? I had this really bad dream that this was somehow unreal, that none of what happened was how it was”

“Sorry Dave, I don’t get you, what do you mean, none of what happened? What happened?”

“Oh, ignore me, come here and hug me, today is going to be the start of something special, we are never going to be alone again”

I had to get my head around all of this, who was Dave, what did he mean about something happening? Why did he seem so familiar? There were so many questions but still that old adage rattled in my brain ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’. This is weird, I am making a tea for Dave, I don’t even know if he likes tea, oh, what the hell, it’s only a drink, if he doesn’t like it I’ll make something else.

“Steve, you think to much, do you know that? I mean, thinking is good, it gets things done but too much about the wrong stuff and it’s destructive. It’s all well and good using that logical brain of yours but sometimes you just have to let things happen, does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I s’pose. Have I pissed you off in some way, I didn’t mean to, was I snoring or moving about too much last night? I was worried because he seemed to know so much about me and I don’t remember saying anything to upset him and that would be just my luck to finally find the man of my dreams and have no idea how I screwed up.

“What the hell, just listen to yourself, analysing stuff, worrying about what you may have done probably shitting bricks that I’m gonna walk outta here as quick as I came … hey, sorry about that by the way”

Dave laughed and I remembered the first time we had sex last night how he came almost straight away, he said I just ‘had the knack’ or something, probably just beginners luck! At least he has a sense of humour about it. Bloody hell, great looks, money and a sense of humour … if the guy has a brain as well I’ve died and gone to heaven!

The kids went off to school and I offered to buy Dave breakfast down town. He suggested the local garden centre instead, he seems to know a lot for an American fresh in the country … OK, let it go, gift horses and all that. I was just putting my jacket on when Dave headed for the door, picked up the car keys, put the door keys in the front of the door like I do and headed for the car!

“Erm, Dave … are you driving then?”

“Oh shit, sorry man, force of habit I guess, I’ll drive if you want?

“Probably best not, you’re not insured”. “Dave, about what you said earlier, I know it is probably nothing but you said earlier about something happening, tried to avoid it and you know, well, it’s bugging me, I’d like to know what made you visit me or my house or whatever it was that happened yesterday?”

“No, I don’t think … well, yes, actually I know you do want to know I am just not sure I can explain it in a way that don’t make me out to be just too weird. You like sci fi right? I know you are open to the idea of weird stuff but this is something else and I am scared, I mean, if I tell you, I mean, I don’t know what happened and even less why. If I tell you, what if it all falls apart, I go back to being, well … You!”

“Eh? Go back to being me? Yep, you’re right, that’s weird, what is, what do you mean? Look, just tell me something, if you tell me what you know, is that going to change anything, I mean, am I going to lose something from knowing? Will I be any worse of that maybe I was the day before yesterday, when I hadn’t met you?

“OK Steve, you’re right, I mean, why am I just not saying it, why am I nervous of telling you? When I tell you you’ll understand how stupid that sounds”

“Yeah, well, we are getting people staring at us just sitting in the car like this … not that I am complaining but maybe we should go somewhere or something, breakfast?”

“No, I’m not really hungry Steve, can we just get a coffee somewhere and like … talk? The garden centre is fine, it doesn’t get really crowded, just go there?”

“OK, Dave, you’re OK though? I didn’t know what to think. Dave was clearly wanting or needing me to know something but did I need to know? Could this be some sort of bollixed up CIA thing, I mean, they can be a bit weird the yanks but why me? Yeah, so they are going to send someone thousands of miles just to shag some obscure little middle-aged English guy with kids why exactly? Maybe they know something about me even I don’t know. That’d be weird … mind the speed camera, concentrate on that idiot pulling out of the turning … am I being groomed for something? Is it the kids they are after? Yeah, because they are going to send one of their agents over here to get close to the kids! Maybe he isn’t American after all? I am just assuming that from his accent, it’s not like we ever really spoke that much, I don’t really know that much about him, he could be from anywhere, just some drop dead gorgeous guy from just down the road that suddenly though to himself how wonderful this short twat with kids was and maybe he’d try his luck right? OK, scrub that idea, he’s not some weirdo from just down the road and he didn’t turn up yesterday by chance, there is something deeper here … bloody hell, he’s an angel, I am going to die and he’s here to collect me, that’d be right. Finally get some good luck and I get fucked. Er, didn’t mean that literally, but, typical … is it going to happen today, did it happen yesterday? Am I dead? No, I don’t feel dead … my breath went and for all the right reasons because Dave just put his hand on my leg, wow, he can do that again, if I am dead then this is heaven.

“You OK Steve, you went quiet there?”

“Sure, sorry Dave … prolly the sooner you tell me the better cos my brain is going overtime here, nothing you can tell me is as weird as I am imagining! You’re not an alien of something are you?”

“No, not an alien, not much better but not that … I’m you?”

“Er, I, I mean, what do you mean, you’re me? I just know I am me so how can you be me too?” He’s me? Here I was thinking what I had going through my head was weird but he thinks he’s me? All I can say to that is that he certainly hasn’t looked in the mirror recently, I wish I did look like that but, OK, that ain’t gonna happen. Me?

“Sorry Steve, I don’t know … I can’t really explain it … I was with my …

Dave and I say down for what seemed like a lifetime while he told me what he thought had happened … he’s me? If he is me then who is this Dave and where did he go? I don’t really, how am I meant to understand it but then, at the same time, if he made it up he was doing a crap job as there were so many holes in the story, if he’d made it up there would be some answers, he’d have been able to explain more, he seems as confused as I am. He seems to know a lot about me though, I mean, what he says does fit, if he is me in some weird way then no wonder I knew hot to jerk him off last night, he was bloody good at it too. But what does he, I mean ‘I’ get out of the deal from his perspective? I know what I get, fucking hell, he’s amazing, but what’s in this for him … wait, the kids. If I suddenly found myself in another body, I’d have to get back, I’d have to be with the kids.

My mobile phone starts to ring … I answer it … “Mr Williams, it’s Queen Elizabeth’s, it’s about Jermaine …. “

Dreams Hold the Answers?

In one of my many dreams it became apparent to me what is causing my current depressive state … if I could only have these dreams whilst awake I’d find life so much easier!

It turns out that I am actually very happy with what I have. I look around all the things I have in my life and it is good. I have great kids, I am proud of them and I know I had no small part to play in that. As some have told me, I have been some kind of hero to manage like I have, hold it all together and my kids are a testimony to my work.

Over the years I have had some amazing holidays, met some amazing people and I have some incredible friends.

Look at this house, a 5 bedroom place with a huge garden. A great TV, loads of TV channels, audio equipment, PC’s all over the place on a wireless fast broadband connection. My bedroom is just so comfy, everything in there I like.

Cars, I have a history of having some really cool cars.

I have this talking piece of a gadget in my PDA, what an amazing bit of kit that is.

So why am I depressed? I have everything that I ever dreamt of having as a kid and more than that. I have achieved far more than my expectations, I am, in short, a success. The problem is, I have reached my ambition, my pinnacle and once there, where else to go? I cannot sustain most of what I have. The kids are going to leave as they should and I am effectively redundant as a man in his 40’s. I have no idea of what job to do and even if I did, my current lifestyle expenditure is at least £16,000 a year which means getting a job paying something like £24,000 just to stand still, what are the chances of that in Northampton? For the sort of money I may be able to get I have to trim something like £100 of my weekly expenditure and that is some huge amount of trimming. To be honest, that doesn’t start to cover things … you see, I am also used to not paying rent and council tax. Add those into the equation and my yearly spend is £22,000 which means a salary of something stupid like £33,000 to just stay where I am. I am so not going to get that or anything like it so something has to go. On a quick adding up and taking away exercise I reckon I can trim it down to £14,000 outgoings but only if I have my loan repaid which has another 3 ½ years to run. But, even working that out in my head that means I need a job paying £21,000. I could get a lodger in, the good element of that is that it will earn me something around £5,000 per annum which is then doable. Do I really want to take such a downturn in fortunes? Well, no, of course not. As a person gets older they like to think that their lifestyle is maintained or improves and doesn’t get continually worse.

I keep trying to tell myself that it is only ‘stuff’ but that ‘stuff’ becomes ever so important when a guy doesn’t have anyone to share life with. With the right partner in life we can have very little and still be happy but on our own some creature comforts become all the more important.

This is why I am depressed because quite simply I have everything I ever wanted already and the only way to go from this point is down unless I pull off an amazing reinvention of myself and I don’t know that I have the energy to do that. Just writing this though I am feeling that a change is imminent. That if it is all going to get screwed up that I do need to allow my control freak attitude on life to kick in for damage limitation. The sooner I start work the better and I have to convince myself that I am not a kid anymore. The level of respect I will get from an employer is far greater now than it ever was before and there is a very real chance of making myself known, getting those promotions, making it to the sort of wage I need to fulfil what are becoming a new set of dreams for this second stage of my life. It’s is just so terribly scary though because I have no idea what to expect, I have to make this happen using all the skills I have learnt over the years. Hmm, can I do this … probably.

Here I go again, I hear those Trumpets Blow again ...

... Taking a chance on ... OK, not love but the police getting it right this time.

The officer earlier asked how we wanted to play it. Did we want him to go arrest the guy that broke down our fence or did we want to drop it altogether?

Me and the kids spoke about it for a while and decided the best thing to do was to have the officer go pay the guy a visit and tell him bluntly that he (the officer) wanted to arrest him but that we had asked him not to in the hope that he'd (the guy that did the fence in) understand we didn't want to make things worse and maybe he could just show some respect in the future?

Thing is, we are talking about chavs here and they don't have logical brains. My guess is that the chav will tell his chavvy mates and then we'll get even more grief, such is life. Simply doing the right thing these days seems not to be an option.

Daisy is seeing her mum right now. She cancelled, that is, Daisy cancelled her allowed visit with mum for next week but naturally enough wanted the crap gifts Kris has got her for her birthday.

Kris has not put herself out in any way, hell, when we were down town she was reluctant even to take a break from her shopping schedule to go meet Daisy, it's just so maddening.

I am quite tired and think I may well go have a lay down, it is my day off after all so I should be allowed that!

That was the week that was (again)

Visted a care home in Kettering earlier for the second time. My previous visit didn't show it in a good light and the timing was all wrong.

It worked out OK today and I have decided to get things moving to have Jermaine transferred there ASAP.

I was also able to get some things clarified with the PCT to get them to understand there needs to be more clarity over the financing arrangements so that I can manage Jermaine's money better, they agreed to do this more in the future.

I made an appointment earlier to get 'power of attorney' over Jermaine, this should ensure no one can cut me out of the loop with regard to his care and that I can also easily act on his behalf. In other words, restoring my status as his dad and I really feel quite good about that to know I can still play an active role in his future.

Hopefully gave Nick some last minute advice with regard to his move and financing it. I suspect it'll be put off but hopefully he'll realise before it is too late that if he wants control over it and the ability to get the right place, he needs to have no delays.

I am so looking forward to Gran Canaria. I found out today that one of my friends from Northampton is going to be there the first week (Andy) so hopefully can meet up at some point and catch up seeing as we have not seen each other for months what with him working down in London. I can probably arrange to meet him whilst Martyn is off doing his thing on the Thursday or something unless Martyn would like to meet him as well, I just can't remember if they have met but think so.

I meant to speak to Robbie this evening but got back way too late and I am getting a little tired myself, sorry Robin.

I have the weekend off from chores ... yeah, like that is going to happen!

Little addition ^

I amended the title of this blog so that everyone hopefully understands what it is here for.

Right now I am very, very knackered

Spring Cleaning Gone mad (just like me really)

))<>((

I certainly seem to be in that mood where I just want to do stuff, get it sorted so much is moving around just now. Matt completed his bedroom, the ‘J’ lounge will be done this week with carpets for both on Monday. Sadly, the furniture to make the ‘J’ lounge useful is unlikely to arrive before I go to Gran Canaria.

The garden got attacked a few days ago and a very large and not attractive bush was chopped down to the basics. There is no way it can be removed totally without a digger so there the base will have to stay but it has cleared a huge area. That may seem good but I had no idea to do with the garden before and now that I have a lot more of it, the choice is no easier.

I have decided what I am having done to my hair but I am keeping that as my secret for now.

Have been talking a lot to Simon recently but no matter how I look at it, the chances of us getting back together again are remote. I admire him for what he is doing but, of course, it doesn’t coincide with my plans so just a right bugger really.

My feelings never went for Simon but, as is often the case, that’s just not enough to make something work.

There are times when I wish I didn’t have feelings for people, especially guys then it wouldn’t hurt so much when they can’t be mine. It will probably always hurt to hear about guys that I love having sex with others, I know I can’t have them so there is no way they need to change what they are doing but even so, it hurts and I do sometimes wish I could switch it off.

Gran Canaria is going to be difficult for me at times; I’d be a fool to pretend that at some point I am not going to get hurt, probably at several points. The key is for me to acknowledge that and see that the good times are more than those painful times. I think not having anyone to talk to about how I am feeling when I am there will be the toughest part, a lot of bottling things up is the order of the day I think. This is my only holiday this year and probably for a few years so I just have to enjoy it and I will.

I think I need to acknowledge to myself that I am tired right now having gone to bed late last night to get a job finished and the weather is once again grey and wet, a really bad combination for my feelings.

Back to the spring cleaning and the reason I was up late last night … I was sorting out my filing cabinet, getting rid of a mountain of dead paperwork via the shredder and making sure all those jobs that needed doing were done. I am pleased to say that I now have some very empty filing trays, my filing cabinet is a lot thinner and there are three huge bags of shredded paper sitting by my street door right now.

Back to Gran Canaria … I think me feeling so pessimistic about it now may be a good thing as it’s quite possible the reality of it will be so much better. (He says doubting it)

My hospital appointment for my throat has been brought forward to May 4 (be with you) so this means I may well have some reassuring news or some bloody awful news to take to Gran Canaria with me. Hopefully I shall get more than ... come back in a few weeks and we will take another look.

Martyn, Simon … probably best you don’t read beyond this point, it’s written to help me, not get at you.

**********************************************

Those feelings … I am not feeling any better so I am guessing that I am obviously avoiding writing what I need to write and that defeats the object of this bloggie thing.

Simon spoke to me about how he’d still been having sex with Mike and the stupid thing is, I’d never really thought about Si having sex with anyone else and it just felt so wrong to me. Today I read Martyn’s blog and it was all lovely and bubbly but there was how he’d had sex with John for doing his hair, how he was visiting Myron in London (who I know has the hots for him) and there was a bit about how great it is (OK, he never said that) that John and his friend would be in GC the same time as us and it’d be great to meet up for meals and drinks and I am thinking … no, it wouldn’t, it really wouldn’t be great to meet your conquests and have them looking at me knowing that they’ve been with you too and probably will whilst we are in GC, that really sucks for me (and probably for John who’ll be doing some sucking no doubt too). Somehow, knowing that Martyn obviously does have sex with other guys doesn’t bother me until I know who they are. Not that any of this is Martyn’s problem and it must be crap for him reading it but, as always, this is my blog and the only chance I have of clearing these feelings from my head is by writing them down and often that just reduces them. For me and my silly fucked up mind it’s like I am being cheated on, having my face rubbed in it. I can ignore what I can see, pretend it is not happening but I can’t ignore what I can see and I now have very vivid and painful visions of Martyn and Myron shagging, it’s stupid, it really shouldn’t but it does hurt.

What has not helped this segment of the blog is that Matt has kept coming in and out of the office whilst I was writing it meaning I have not got the feelings out right. The way it works is that I start writing and I don’t stop until I feel calm again yet all that happened here is the words got down on the screen but my anger levels went up because these feelings kept getting closeted again over and over each time he walked in to ask for yet something else.

I’ll try again, just to get a little more out but will wait for Matt to actually walk out the door as I just know he’ll interrupt again.

OK, he’s gone now … borrowed yet more money off me yet with no prospect of him being able to repay me any of the £700+ he owes right now.

Several times I have considered cancelling the GC holiday because I am scared I can’t cope but I am a different person now to how I used to be, now I face up to my demons and work through my problems. On the whole I know it’ll be a really good holiday but those times I find difficult I shall just have to deal with. If need be I can just call Robin and talk things through and I shall take my laptop so blog entries will still be made but will have to wait until I get home before getting posted.

OK, this is working better, feeling myself down to where I was when I started this … I guess I really just don’t want to be alone, I want or need to be part of something that has a future. I am seeing everything around me that has been safe and familiar go away. Behind me are several relationships, one son and some good health. For the next few years I am going to see each of the other remaining kids leave the nest. I am quite certain my health will get worse and my financial situation dire. In short, I have a bleak future ahead of me unless I make some changes to the things I can change but it’s just so scary because it is like starting over again only I am not 16 anymore. My whole way of life, my entire perception of my existence is going to change and I just don’t know if I can get through that on my own. For a control freak I just can’t even control my own feelings. I feel pain every night for Jermaine. I know I did the right thing but yet, it feels so wrong. I feel pain for me, there are people I love out there and I can’t have them. I feel pain for Robin, he hurts like hell physically and deep inside, I think he’s probably in love with me and I love him too but in a different way, in a way that means I can’t ever have anything physical with him and it hurts me that I can’t give that to him. I sometimes think I deserve to feel that guilt as I am laying it at the feet of others but why does it all have to be so complicated? Why is it that I cannot just be me, not need anyone else, not need to be loved and just enjoy casual sex to satisfy a need?

The song ‘Mad World’ contains a line that has always been true for me. This isn’t me saying I have any intent but the fact is, the line …. ‘the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had’ … well, that is true, they have been some of my very best dreams. Part of that is that I don’t have to fight anymore. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have someone special because I don’t have a future. When I am dying then I will finally know who my friends really are, I also won’t have to worry about upsetting some people that I current use restraint with. There are just so many advantages to simply coming to a natural end like Tony did. It’s a scary thought not being around any more, I’d be worried about the kids up until the moment I went but death is actually a nice thing to look forward to, it gives me something to focus on. Really, I am not planning on suicide or anything but just being realistic about something that is going to happen. Life is a struggle, a battle from one day to the next with just brief moments of respite and I don’t want that to go on forever. That is why I am not concerned about anything they may tell me about my throat, what will be will be and all that. I also won’t be disappointed if they give me the all clear and I go on for another 50+ years either. Just that, if I am going to go on like that, please, if there is anyone out there that controls such things, don’t let me do it alone.

Here we go again

Earlier on the local kids for the umpteenth time asked us to go get their ball from the garden. At around 6:15 I suggested that this be the last time today and they find somewhere else to play for now to make sure the ball doesn’t come over.

At 6:30, whilst we were eating dinner, more balls came over and, sure enough, banging on the door and the door bell sounding.

I’d just finished my dinner so went to the door and explained to the kid that I had already suggested they play elsewhere and that they would now have to wait until tomorrow for their balls.

.

Within moments of that there was some banging coming from behind the house. I couldn’t see anything from upstairs so went out in the garden and was confronted by a kid climbing through our now demolished fence. He stared at me for a moment then ran off.

I ran through the house to confront him but he had since gone.

Kids standing at the house behind ours claimed not to know who he was yet they were all there at the time with his, playing football and it was their ball he was trying to get.

Several adults then tried to gain access to the garden and one managed to do so, the whole incident was a little scary but more just unbelievable that anyone could be that inconsiderate.

The police were called and a statement taken. Whilst the officer was here the local kids bumped a car into the back of ours but no damage was done, they had done enough to partially dislodge his handbrake so I put a brick under his front tyre and moved my car away.

The officer then discovered that his car had been vandalised too, I mean, there really is very little hope when that sort of thing happens.

The cop is meant to come back later but whether he does or not is anyone’s guess.

I think self control is over rated

I had a visitor this evening. He is a lovely guy, friendly, polite (sometimes) and probably a heart of gold but few social skills.

Now, I don't mind folk visiting, it's nice to be wanted but sometimes this person doesn't get those little signs that we send out as subtle hints, that time of the evening has arrived, time to go.

So, I normally, with this person, have to refrain from subtlety and directly say it is time to go. It worked to this evening except by a stroke of bad timing or wickedness, I don't know which, Matt decided to come down the stairs and at that point make a drink for himself and offer one to this person despite me having already told him he is leaving right now ...

Anyway, with cup of tea in hand this person looks at my PDA sitting in its cradle in my office, part of my private space and notices a picture of myself, Tony and Ian and said: "what a lovely picture, of course, the question now is, which one of you dies next?"

It is at this point, dear reader, that I ask the question, is self control over rated?

Movie Time, on the Piss and Pain

Just recently my pain levels have been increasing in leaps to the point where my sleep is affected again. There have been a few stupid moments of shooting pain where I have bent to rub then realised how futile that is. This leads me nicely on to decorating and my inability to do it.

Started the other day on what is now known as the ‘J’ lounge. The wallpaper needed stripping from one wall and a dado rail removed and repositioned elsewhere. Well, the latter was fine, I am quite good at the making of things but the wallpaper, oh boy! I didn’t realise just how many layers there were of paint and paper and one thing led to another so that before I knew where I was I was down to bare plaster. The result was that it was such a mess it had to be replastered which was something else I had to learn with better results than my stripping … I will never make a stripper!

It all needs sanding down again now which I did partially earlier to test the results but annoyingly have caused real problems for my shoulders and I don’t think I will be able to do any more later so have had to ask Matt to do it. There is already a huge mess everywhere and this can only get worse with more sanding but it’ll look OK when finished. A shame I won’t be able to use it until after Gran Canaria but as I mentioned already, it will be fun speculating who will be my first guest in the new lounge.

I say ‘on the piss’, what I really mean is plastered!

Watched V-Vendetta last night. I went on my own as it also means I can fidget as often as I like and it was brilliant, loved every minute of it and great gay undertones throughout. It was nice to walk away from the cinema without picking holes in a movie but it didn’t leave any for me to pick.

I am worried about Robbie, he’s having another flare up of his MS and suffering the poor love. Hopefully it is short lived and he’ll be feeling himself again shortly … feeling someone else I am sure would help him feel better too.

Will be interested to see how Nick gets along with his plans. If he can just stop being an ostrich he’ll be a lot more content I am sure of it.

Have not been properly talking to Martyn for a while, kinda thought it was a good idea not to share too much so we had an accumulation of things to talk about when we meet up apart from “Do you want another?” to which the answer goes without saying.

Martyn did mention something a few days back and it got me to thinking … would I feel comfortable going off to some other guys apartment on the Almendros for a shag? The more I thought about the more it got me thinking that it opens me up to poofie politics and bitchiness.

I think guys will assume me and Martyn are a couple despite our protestations to the contrary and see shagging one of us as a little victory, something to rub in. If I was sure that any such activity would remain between me and him then I’d not worry about it but I also have to be aware of Martyn’s feelings on it. I feel he wouldn’t want someone else telling them about the sex he and I had earlier. It is one thing knowing about it but another altogether having the face rubbed in to it. Sure, it is Martyn’s problem and not mine, I know that but I also know it is his holiday and he has the right to enjoy it. If I know there is a potential problem area and it is avoidable, I should do so. Not that it is likely to be much of an issue seeing as the chances of anyone I might say yes to actually asking are very small indeed.

I had another though, what do I do if a threesome is in the offing … that remains a thought because I just can’t get my head around it at the moment!

If there is one thing I am sure about with Gran Canaria it is that I am going to have a great time with Martyn because despite his own opinion, he is a fun guy to be with. For those times we are not together, I am still sure I shall have fun just because there really isn’t much else to do apart from have fun!

Girls got their hair done earlier, £114 it cost me … flippin ‘eck! I get my hair done on 5th May, best start saving my pennies

The Red Look

As promised I am showing you what this red rubber looks like

Ex Wife Blues

When we decided to get divorced I said I wanted the kids living with me and she said she’d go to court as they’d never let them stay with a poof. I mentioned the time she slapped our eldest onto the at risk register and her promiscuity coupled with her general inability to parent and she agreed without further argument that they stayed with me. The whole process took around 7 minutes, there were no raised voices.

Since she met her now husband three or so years ago she has seen the kids less and less.

The legal situation is that we have shared care, it should be 50/50 and she is liable for 50% of their costs … yeah right!

When she announced that she didn’t want anything to do with the eldest lad (mentally handicapped and got to 18 Jan 2005) I stopped driving the girls over to her as there was no longer any gain to me seeing as I still had to care for my lad. This was when she started to see them less because it meant putting some effort into it.

However, it was once a week and occasional weekends. Now she has made it clear she only wants to see them for a couple of hours once every couple of weeks ‘or so’ which has, on occasion, been up to 5 weeks.

She tells the girls how upset she is she cannot see them more often.

The girls are confused as hell by it

Red or Dead

Borrowed some rubber from Ian & Richard, hope Martyn likes it as I am going to need some help getting into it and, more important, out again! (maybe pictures to follow)

Matt sent me a text on the way home. Earlier he has asked if one of his guy friends could stay over and I got quite excited, it was to be the first time he got anyone here, I am totally convinced he is ashamed of showing me off to any of his male friends. The girls are OK as clearly I am no threat but somehow I feel he this is not the case with the guys. Anyway, I got another text to say that he will probably stay at this friend’s house instead. It shouldn’t feel like rejection but it so does.

The house was a complete tip when I got home, nothing had been done since I left yesterday, I couldn’t even get anyone to make me a tea, they all have their own stuff to do, I don’t figure in it.

Visited Jermaine on the way home from Twickenham and all I could do was feel I should bring him home with me. He looked so sad and pathetic, not one smile at all and he was so drowsy as well, it was like it didn’t matter in the slightest whether I was there or not. His room stank of pee, his toilet needed cleaning, all his toys were in one of the lounge area, no one had put a video on for him to watch. It seemed to be like he was effectively banned from his room during the day and when I found him he was sitting totally bored in one of the lounge areas with nothing to do, no television on, no toys, no one but one of the other clients and a parent/relative. It was all just too upsetting and I could barely manage to stop for an hour.

So, I am feeling really quite low now after an initial high. Yesterday I cried as I drove past the A412 junction of the M25 which heads for where Jermaine is but I suspected I would feel crap after a visit so deferred it until today, it was the right thing to do.

I so need to feel close to someone that loves me and in an intimate way too but there isn’t anyone right now, I just feel quite lonely and rejected, useless even. Obviously I will pull out of it but right now it is not good. I just can’t convince myself everything is OK all the time when clearly it isn’t. I know what the cures are but they are unattainable. Life can be a right bitch at times.

A Change is as good as a rest

The level of debt I am currently in is scary. I hate debt and yet I seem to have so much of it and one crap decision from a faceless bureaucrat could bring it all tumbling down on me.

Thankfully, more than two thirds of it is money owed to me so I don’t have to find it myself, that is £1900+. Of course, that may be owed to me but those that owe it will need time to repay it and in the meantime, for the first time in ages, I am going to have to pick up some hefty interest charges on my credit card bill. One of the most upsetting aspects is that all my reserve money has gone. If someone I know needs anything I don’t have it to give anymore.

My weight has remained constant but my belly seems to have grown again so I guess I need to work more on the abs, very annoying is that and, to be honest, I have never had a great body, it always looks like a cut and shunt job to me whereby the legs and the rest of me don’t match and the join is crap too with my arse and legs further back than my top half … I really hate my body.

Driving the huge Citroen van yesterday was quite fun, I have never driven anything so high up before and it was weird looking down on all the other cars. It was just the right size for all the junk we needed to get rid off. Actually, it wouldn’t have been but some neighbours took some of the bulkier items the night before so we had less to transport. The weird part was getting used to having my automatic back again!

I am not sure about this new image I have but will stick with it for now, it certainly seems to get me several glances when walking down the street accompanied by smiles so it probably does work.

Matt has just about finished his room so I am hoping that he and Jonny can get started on my lounge next weekend. I can’t furnish it until next month because of the lead time on the furniture I have ordered but I can get it carpeted, have a TV in there and generally just be ready and waiting for the sofa bed when it arrives.

I am going green with some snazzy touches, a white or cream carpet and light wood units. The sofa is beige but looks more off white to me and is an amazing thing the way it converts to a bed, has to be seen! I wonder who will be the first to use it?

I got a really nice compliment on Kagoul earlier from someone and it made my quite flushed. I don’t get genuine compliments often and it took me back some.

The Minute He Walked in the Joint ...

Retail therapy is all well and good but a guy comes down with a bump when the bills have to be entered into the accounts.

The new car is going well though the £60+ first fill up was a bit of a shock! Apart from that it is forward backward and round corners though with more ease than the Neon.

Visited IKEA in MK on Tuesday and found some things I quite liked which I may well buy for the ‘J’ lounge as we are calling it. Today we went to MK again to get Zoey some new clothes and I bought myself a jacket, some pink boxers and jeans. I believe Daisy got a jacket out of it but we rather annoyingly left the hat she bought on the counter in H&M.

Once back in Northampton we went to Homebase where Matt bought some paint and other things for his room and I bought some paint for the ‘J’ Lounge. I opted for green. This is not normally one of my colours but for some reason I thought it would appeal to me … here’s hoping!

Tomorrow we have a van rented and Matt and me are going to be taking it over to the tip filled with discarded furniture, way overdue IMO.

Friends get to learn each others little issues and accept them. I would hope that I know how my friends’ minds work and that they know I would not intentionally upset them and that I also understand that every now and then they will have what may appear to the world to be irrational thought but they are real to them, they exist and they would, I hope, know I am here to support them, help them work through it.

I spoke to my ENT consultants secretary earlier and she said she will be looking into things and seeing if I need to be seen sooner.

Breathing Problems

I have done a terrible thing which should be avoided, I have checked the web to see if I can find out what may be wrong with my throat as I am getting concerned that my breathing is getting increasingly difficult.

What I discovered is something called recurrent respiratory papillomatosis (RRP) which is effectively a growth on or around the vocal chords that may have been caused by a HPV (HUMAN PAPILLOMA VIRUS).

There is speculation that it may be created by oral sex with someone that has genital warts and those with low immune symptoms are most likely to be affected. This is not proven, on the contrary, it is seen as unlikely but cannot be ruled out.

Any and all airway problems require immediate attention.

RRP is a potentially life-threatening disease because it can result in complete respiratory obstruction.

Medications containing steroids, which tend to compromise immune function and may allow more aggressive growth of the papilloma

HPV probably affects only 5% and of those, only 0.005% develop RRP so it is really rare. Some experts speculate that perhaps those few who develop RRP have some subtle deficiency of the immune system.

The symptoms are voice and breathing problems.

So, if ever something was designed specifically for me, RRP seems to be it.

As my appointment is June 1 there is, I guess, a chance I could suffocate in the meantime but it may not be that serious right now.

Looking at the evidence:

I have a subtle deficiency in my immune system, sometimes moderate

I have had oral sex with someone who had warts (my choice entirely, he is totally no way to blame)

I am currently on a dose of steroids, the condition has got a lot worse since

I cannot talk clearly now, my voice drops out and I cough quite a bit

I am having trouble breathing

The GP is assuming it is a harmless polyp (and it may be) last time the growth was described as *benign* but it was also quite possible that my consultant was not looking for RRP as it is so rare. Having seen the video of what it looked like in me last time, it matched the pictures I have seen in a pdf to be found on http://www.voiceproblem.org/pdfs/rrp.pdf

I am not sure I can keep getting back at the GP and hoping they will listen, maybe I should just write direct to the consultant, they may not even be aware I was given a steroid drug a few weeks ago.