Blog knowledge test

You Know a Lot About Blogging

You got 5/8 correct! Your not a total blogging geek yet... give it time.

How Much Do You Know About Blogging?

This is all well and good but to prove it is also rubbish, I have no idea which 3 I got wrong!

Chalfont NSE

I am really very tired so just rattling this off before I go to bed.

Earlier on today I went to Chalfont St Peter to visit Jermaine and also take the rest of his things down to him. The plan was also to have a meeting, a review for him at 3pm.

To radically abbreviate, when I arrived they seemed to be cocking his insulin regime up, it’s not so much insulin management as crisis management. Moving him from a hypo to a hyper and then having to rectify it and they are doing this by altering meal times and giving snacks without also including an insulin dose. In short, cocking up!

As a sub note, some of the Polish carers in there are just sexy as hell

During the meeting later on in the day it was obvious that big fat Sonia was just avoiding answering questions over and over and not only me but also Lucy from the PCT and Steve, the social worker, were getting sick of it.

One thing I got really annoyed about was how they spent £80 of Jermaine’s pocket money on new clothes when I had loads here they could have had for the asking but they didn’t. I even had to ask for receipts as they were not freely offered and it was not just the once that I asked, just not good enough.

All three of us there agreed that Jermaine could not stop there indefinitely. I suggested that we allow a 6 month assessment period and during that time work at finding alternate accommodation closer to home, Steve & Lucy agreed … I also pointed out that this was bound to be cheaper as well.

I was pleased to hear, or rather, not hear the loud music in Jermaine’s wing!

Again they harped on about security yet several large windows were left open and unguarded. Not everyone would consider walking in through a door as the only option and once in the building it is painfully easy to get out again through any un-alarmed door.

On the plus side, the journey there and back was enjoyable even if I had no idea where I was going. I just told the satnav to find me a route without using the motorways and that it did. Coming back was quite amazing … many of the roads seemed barely more than farm tracks!

TW3

It could be argued that I have been ignoring my inner self and not writing this blog and that is a fair argument I am not going to make as I am already getting a little embarrassed that I am talking to myself again and in public no less.

Since I met Dave, or Dave met me or we just bumped into each other I have been reasonably busy on the life experiences front. Thankfully this did not involve riding horses and certainly nothing to do with banana boats which I have never done and, for reasons that escape me right now, have no plans to do even if visions of a very sexy scar do come to mind … I digress (but hold that thought for just a while) …………

I have been car hunting. Found a nice one but it was really too expensive for me. I could afford to buy it but running it would have cost me more so I skipped that one. I have looked at yet more piles of cack and certainly skipped those. Today I struck lucky (I hope) and found a car I can live with and I don’t even have to downsize to save money, it is actually bigger than my car! Annoyingly I have decided to go back to Citroen as they just happen to offer what I am looking for in the C5 2.2Hdi Exclusive automatic. It is also in silver which means I don’t have to get my mind set ready to find a different colour car in the car parks! I did try and get one of them what Martyn has but the only ones I could find were just totally awful colours, I never even realised they made them in such crap colours so I had to skip getting one of those. This C5 should be OK though.



NTL is working out OK. Had some little niggles but seems alright except my laptop doesn’t like it much and tends to log off now and then for some reason, I have no idea why. The laptop worked fine this weekend when I was over visiting Tom and Gary with Rob from Rugby.

Oh yes, I was in Clacton this weekend just gone and it was really nice and relaxing. I slept with Rob as they couldn’t find any bedding for the sofa and I do mean ‘slept’. Rob’s like a little brother to me so there is no way I’d do anything else.

Today I had Sue round to motivate me into clearing Jermaine’s room. I think that once it is decorated it will be known as the ‘J’ Lounge.

Tomorrow I am off to Chalfont to see Jermaine and spend the day with him but also to have a meeting there. I decided to make sure the meeting was late afternoon so that I could enjoy my time with Jermaine.

Nick got email dumped last week, I was very unimpressed by that … hopefully I can be a good friend to him and help him through what I know is a shit time … he’ll get there.

Still don’t appear to have had the discs from Danny which is dead annoying as I really want to make sure I have invited everyone to punting that I should have!
Robin was silly earlier and called the DLA people … now he is in panic mode because he knows an envelope will drop on his doorstep this week whereas he could have left it and it would have just happened! Hopefully it will be a short cut for us and good news, I suspect that with all the benefit cut backs and the dislike of those claiming long term sick, it’ll be a rejection and we’ll need to go see doctors and get it sorted properly on appeal

Be Careful What You Ask For

I had one weird dream last night, I blame my new trend of going to bed at a sensible time personally. Well, it would be ‘personally’ as I just said ‘I’ so that was just pointless, a total waste of words just like … well, like most of that first it was but I shall say no more about it … back to the dream:

I was happily doing my dreamy thing, not really going anywhere, not doing much when I became aware of some guys talking to me, not British guys but American. They were asking me what was wrong, why I had stopped all of a sudden.

Looking around me I didn’t recognise anyone so much as to name them but I did vaguely know where I was, again, not enough to name it but it was familiar. The guys were acting weird now like I was meant to know what I was doing, where I was going. All I could do was to think up some story “look man, I feel weird, I can’t think straight, walk me though this yeah?” Even odder, it didn’t sound like me, the dialect, the accent, was that me?

We were entering some sort of secure location but it was clearly educational. We each had to give thumb prints recognition to get in the sliding doors and there were cameras everywhere. If this was a university then it was some high class joint. I sat through the ‘lesson’ with the words going over my head, I had no idea what algorithms that were on about, complicated words, a different language to me yet the other guys seemed to be lapping it up.

During the break I went to the bathroom, see, there I go again with the Americanism. This was the first time I had seen myself since this crazy time had started. Wow, geez, is that me? I could understand now why I felt so different, why I had a bounce in my step. Wanted to leap over desks, slide down the stairs … the person looking back at me must have been 6’ 2”, broad shoulders, blonde hair, Californian tan and couldn’t have been more than his mid twenties. I – he was gorgeous but how the hell?

I muddled through the rest of the day, boy was this heavy stuff, all that designer clothing, it was amazing.

There was one guy seemed to talk to me more than the others, I had to hope we had some special friendship as when I left this place I was in shit street, no idea where to go, I didn’t have a clue where I was, how could I know where to go?

“Walk home with me?” I said, hoping this didn’t sound too forward. At this stage I had no idea who this guy was whose body I was in, I couldn’t assume anything.

“Not got your car man? Jules not going back with you man, c’mon, you been talking about this weekend all week man”

“Jules?” I had no idea, time for a fishing trip … is this Julian, Julie? Hell!

“Oh Dave, you crack me up with that kiddin’ you do, hey, maybe bring her by my place tomorrow night?

Oh fuck ‘her?’ Oh shit, what the hell do I do with a ‘her’?

I had to find out more … “Hey, John”

“John? Why you calling me that, you know my name is Mike man, you going weird, I swear you are”

Good, I knew this was Mike now. “Mike, Hey, I was speaking to some Brit last night on MSN, he calls everyone John, seems like that’s what they do where he comes from, thought I’d try it out for size – You know I’ve been feeling weird man, where did I stow the car?”

“Dave man, you’re getting me worried now, perhaps I’d better let you drive me home before you go pick up Jules, you do remember how to drive don’t you?” Mike said it as a joke but not very deep down I could tell he was having some real concerns.

“Sure, sure I do, Show me the way to your place though, my head hurts, some weird headache, it won’t go. I’ve not been to Jules’s place from yours before, I’ll get lost for sure. Call Jules for me, tell her I will meet her there” I was having to think on my feet here, I had no idea who anyone here was including me.

Mike stopped by this Merc, “Man, you do got your keys don’t you?”

OK, a nice convertible Merc, apparently this would be my car, I had to assume the keys in my pocket were the rights ones.

I dropped Mike off and then went to see Jules, she was a stunner, the kind of girl any jock would want to go for but I wasn’t any jock. I was a 42 year old poof in the body of a guy half my age who was apparently straight. A guy that was lusting after some other guy called Mike who was probably his best friend; I was someone who could really seriously screw things up for a lot of people.

Jules and me had a beer together, she seemed really nice, not an air head, I mean, this girl was intelligent and attractive and she was clearly smitten with me. I thought about it for a while, there was only one thing I could do right now, there were already too many complications. “Jules, you know how I feel about you but right now there is some heavy shit going on in my life, I need some space. You know, it’s not you, it’s me (Was I really saying that shit?) Can we like, cool it for a while?”

OK, that didn’t go down too well, there was a subtle hint of the slap across my face for starters, could have knocked my glasses off … glasses, I didn’t need them, I hadn’t noticed before and no hearing aids either, this was weird. I spend most of my life wanting not to have these things and then, when I don’t have them I am unaware of the change. This got me to thinking, what else was I missing? I may not know where I am but I also know where I am not. I am not at home with the kids, who is? Oh my God, if I am here then maybe this young has it all is at home with my kids.

Looking at my divers licence I manage to work out where I live and thankfully I have my own apartment. When I say ‘apartment’ this is not as we would think of a flat, no, this had the same sort of space as my entire house, it was huge. Every conceivable gadget, no expense spared. Whoever ‘Dave’ was he was loaded.

I poured myself a beer from his well stocked cooler and pondered. My first urge was to get back to the kids, to sort out what needed sorting out, to somehow get my body and my life back but wait … Here I am with everything I could ever want, my every wish answered, hell, I could even turn myself on by looking in the mirror, ‘I’ fancied myself! I was an OK age, the guys would understand if I suddenly turned gay, I could drop out of whatever that was, it almost certainly wasn’t what paid for all this, I could start my life again, a new body, money to spare, great looks and in a new country. Hell, maybe I could even meet up with the kids at some point, maybe I could be friends with Matt and we could arrange a holiday or something? But wait, I was crying inside. This isn’t my life, whatever ‘he’ can offer the kids, there is no way that Dave could be their dad. Hell, getting my body and my life the guy is probably in therapy and on drugs by now. No, I know what I am giving up but I have to get home.

The plane journey home was a long and tortured one. Was I doing the right thing? Could I change this? How can I get my own body back? Using Dave’s credit card I got myself a taxi from the airport, it cost a fortune, I figured he could afford it and I’d be doing him a favour too. Within a few hours I was home and had to knock on my own door. Daisy answered and I asked if her dad was in so she called out for me, I mean ‘him’. She stared at me for an age and I became aware that she was attracted to me, hell no, that was just too wrong on so many different levels!

I/he arrived at the door as normal as anything. “Dave?” I asked expecting this guy to fall to my feet in sudden realisation he was not mad.

“No, Steve, who are you?” He replied to my utter astonishment.

“You mean, you haven’t noticed anything weird in your life at all recently, haven’t felt out of place at all? Surely he had to have felt something didn’t he?

“I’m sorry he said, I don’t know you but would you like a coffee?” He smiled and our eyes met for possibly the first time.

“Sure I said, my names Dave, sorry about the mix up, someone said we had met somewhere before but they must have screwed up. You got kids I see but you are gay right? I said, please don’t let that bit be fucked up.

“Yeah, how’d you know, is it that obvious?” Came Steve’s reply

“Well, maybe I was just kinda hoping” I joked with him and Steve smiled back.

Matt walked in and Steve introduced me, I mean, I introduced myself or, hell, I guess I just have to think quick here. Whatever happened to me didn’t happen to ‘me’. I can’t explain it but, two minds are better than one and well, I did know him quite well and, you know, from where I was sitting he/I was really quite attractive for an old bloke!

“I am sorry, Dave, this is my second eldest, Matt” Steve introduced Matt to me and the strangest thing happened. Matt hugged me.

“Hey Matt, do you always give hugs to guys you have just been introduced to?” I asked a little confused, I know Matt and there was just an outside chance he fancied me, fancied Dave.

“Nah, you just sorta fit in, you and my dad seem a like somehow, I dunno, sounds dumb but you just sort of work together” On that, Matt left the room.

“Sorry about that” Said Steve “But Matt is normally a very good judge, I trust his views on this” Steve smirked and gave me that cheeky grin I knew to mean he fancied me something stupid but he’d never say more than that.

“So, Steve … let’s go with his judgement then, do you think you could fancy a guy like me?

“Hell Dave, you’re kidding right? I mean, guys like you, I mean, good looking guys, they don’t go for guys like me” Steve was sincere and I remembered, he was right, they really didn’t.

“Steve, they do now. I don’t really know why I am here but I do know that here is where I am meant to be. Don’t worry about anything anymore, not the kids, not money, not about being alone” I meant it too, this just felt so right.

“Dave, it’s weird, seeing you sitting there is like seeing the part of me that was missing”.

Quickie Update

Using neighbours connection and trying not to take the piss with it so just a quickie to say I shall hopefully be back online as of Thursday ... what a flippin' relief!

As a little warning, the next blog entry is a big one and one of my mini books. It is just really a story I wrote from a dream I had but I like it, you may too.

(I am not nasty to anyone I know in it by the way!)

Decisions decisions

I am feeling a lot better than I have been, nearly back to normal now.

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks and that is the car I have. It’s lovely to look at, fun to drive and in amazing condition. Sadly though, I am not in amazing condition and I am finding it difficult to use the manual gear change in traffic. My gut reaction last year was to make sure I get an automatic and I should have stuck to that. It’s been a difficult decision but the reality is, my little Neon has to go. Added to the discomfort of driving it is the fact that it drinks fuel way too much and it needs a service every 6 months or 6000 miles which is way too soon, it just costs too much to run.

I am also seriously questioning my decision to go with Demon; I guess I do still have the option to cancel. The thing is, I can go back with NTL and it will be a lot cheaper, it would also give me a good TV signal upstairs where currently I will be struggling with the freeview. Also, with Demon I am paying for a 2mb service whereas they won’t guarantee I will get that or anything like it. With NTL they supply what they say they will because they can do that via the cable. My current package which doesn’t include any TV for upstairs costs me £81.00 whereas NTL can do it, a guaranteed 2mb connection and another box upstairs for £74.49. Without the box upstairs that is £60 a month so a huge saving. That also includes a better telephone service than I currently have as well with more extras included in the price. The BT gimmicks of best friend etc barely save me anything rarely is that saving more than £1-2 a month. I guess this would also free up the Sky box for somewhere as well, not the full package but I could opt for freesky for a one off payment which is basically freeview via satellite. The bugger is that I will need a new Router as my current one is a modem too.

Astonishing!

Yesterday I found out I couldn’t get an appointment to see the ENT consultant until the end of May. My reason for needing one is this growth on my vocal chords. Last time the consultant was concerned it may be malignant and wanted to do surgery and a biopsy right away. It turned out to be benign and everyone was happy. Well, there is no way of knowing the status of this one until it has a biopsy done. Chances are it is benign but no way of knowing.

I spoke to the GP earlier on today and she said that in her opinion it would be benign so there is no hurry for an appointment. I asked her how she could be so sure and she said because it was last time it probably will be this time. I pulled her up on the word ‘probably’ and said that ‘probably’ is not the same as definitely, was she definite it would be benign and she said she couldn’t be because she was only a GP. Her guidelines said that a two week appointment would need me to have a hoarse voice and weight loss. I said that my voice had changed, not sure if hoarse was the right term and I had lost weight but that could be my change in eating habits. She said it doesn’t matter anyway because by the time the symptoms of throat cancer appear it is already too late. So I confirmed with her that rather than catch it at the first signs they prefer to wait until it becomes inoperable? She confirmed this was how the NHS worked now.

Once I got up off the floor I asked her if they had good lawyers because if I found out that any delay had worsened my condition that I would be instructing someone or leaving it in my will to instruct someone to sue the shit out of them. She agreed to speak directly with the consultant and get his opinion. I suspect she will write a letter that he may read some time in the next couple of months … It’s nice to be left worrying like this it really is.

At least the Sun is Shining

My friends have been amazing even though some of them must have been bloody fuming from my last entry; I guess I am really lucky to have all of them.

With their support, some lasting sunshine and me kicking myself up the arse (not easy I can tell ya) I’ll get over this. I just hate it when depression drops on me and I have to try and deal with it, it’s just so difficult to fight with myself.

I had a good lay in this morning and the sun is shining just now and I feel a lot better. I am not OK, I am aware of the risks of complacency but I do feel better.

Just had a text from Jason, he’s in Thailand right now and he was saying how even over there guys were asking after Tony and were really shocked to find out he had died. It truly is amazing to have someone the other side of the planet remember a person but, with Tony, not a surprise, he touched the lives of so many.

Stuff I left Out

My general mood is wavering between mildly miserable to deeply depressed. I appreciate that my thoughts right now may not be entirely rational.

The physical effects have been that I have found myself really lacking in concentration some of the time. That has meant that sometimes I come out with total nonsense because I just can’t get words out or, worse, I can’t think of what I want to say. At other times I am typing and just can’t get anything right, I have had to type some things letter by letter watching what I have been doing yet, at other times; I have been touch typing like I always did.

I feel sorry for myself, I am feeling used, abused and disrespected.

In no particular order … London to Bristol does not cost £10 in petrol, it is over 200 miles round trip and my car does, at best, 30mpg and with a gallon at something like £4 these days it would be at least £14 and that is working on the assumption that I get 30mpg and that is totally ignoring the cost of getting to London and back. Like I said, no particular order for any of this. I am also not going to apologise because I need to say it in print else it’ll eat me up. The kids not respecting me. They ask a question and if I don’t give the answer they like then they keep asking and questioning and demanding and it drives me nuts. I so much want to avoid the violence that my dad did to me but it is increasingly difficult when so little else seems to work. Telling them over and over to be careful with my laptop, not to leave it on the floor, watch what they are doing and still it got broken. They don’t do their chores unless they are reminded; they begrudge doing them and then ask for more and more and expect it too. Matt showing me up in front of my ex in laws by saying how I had ruined his dinner because I decided to wait until he got home from work and we could eat it together. Little did I know he’d invited his girlfriend too. The other day he asked me to pick him up from the other side of the A5. I got there exactly when I said I would yet waited for nearly 20 minutes outside the house until he telephoned me and complained I had not knocked to let him know I was outside. The care home where Jermaine is won’t let me spend any time with him. On both occasions I have been there they have just wanted to ask questions, there has always been this threat that they will drop in again and ask more questions and I want to spend some private time with my son. Speaking of my son, Matt is 18 at the end of the month yet on the day of his birthday I have to get out of the house early afternoon on the Friday and not come back until the Sunday. He has made it clear he doesn’t want to celebrate his 18th with his dad, I am only needed to do the shopping for him, but the booze and worry myself stupid about the house and that hurts like hell. When guys have sex with me, apart from one or two, they don’t give a shit about me. I had sex with someone the other day – not Martyn – and the guy let me wank him off and that was it, he was off to have a shower to get rid of the sticky stuff. I have demands on my money left right and centre and I am only on benefits for heavens sake, I am not Bill Gates. The kids still ignore my hearing problem and mumble, it is so frustrating. The pain is starting to return in my knees sooner than I thought it would. My throat is just annoying because I feel constantly like my throat is blocked and my voice often sounds stupid. I have no idea if this one is benign like the last one or not and it worries the hell out of me.

I know I am depressed because I am tired all the time; I want to stay in bed and go back to bed. I am glad that tomorrow I am seeing the counsellor.

This is not meant to annoy anyone or many anyone angry, it is just how I am feeling and I can’t, like I said before, apologise for it. This is about me for once, I don’t want to hear anyone sulking about it and thinking about how they feel because that is another problem, I am always worrying about how others feel and I will go out of my way making every effort to make things OK, help them to feel better and all the time hardly anyone gives a shit about me. If anyone even considers falling out with me over this then they could never have been friends at all because they’d know this is me calling out for help and understanding, it is more about my ability to carry on coping than expecting anyone else to change.

Now, hopefully after writing this and seeing the woman tomorrow, I shall start to feel a lot better. I need TLC, bright lights, sunshine and hugs.

Thanks to those friends of mine that really know me.

Stuck indoors again

I am sat here waiting for UPS to turn up and collect my Ipaq, I may even get it repaired at some point, who knows? Actually, I have enclosed a letter explaining I want it replaced and not repaired, what’s the betting they’ll ignore it.

Daisy dropped my laptop and has killed it. I was not happy with the laptop spec as it was but could not justify replacing it. I do need one though else I’d go mad so I went out and bought myself a new one with a Pentium M 760 2Ghz chip and 2 gig of RAM too. I reckon this one will keep me going for a while. Sure I was angry with Daisy but there is really very little I can do about it. I was also angry with Matt as he had a role to play in it too and it was really more luck than anything that it didn’t get busted after he used it as it was always left on the floor in the lounge afterwards.

I have put aside any thought of going to Florida this year. I hope to get a costing from Robin at some point of what they would charge me for the house but I won’t be making any decisions until I know what money I have and I won’t know that until something like late August or September.

Someone on Kagoul has been spreading shit about me which is starting to reach the boards and I am not at all happy about it not least because there is totally no truth in it and even the retraction implied there is no smoke without fire. If that place does not improve and the clique there does not get a slap, I can’t see myself hanging around much.

Time to call Robin I think … Just lately, each time I have gone to call he has beat me too it!

... And So It Continues

I was hoping that when Jermaine went residential that my life would change for the better, I would be able to relax and enjoy myself more but I should know better.

It seems that I have to still be doing stuff, sorting things out, looking out for his welfare. I stupidly forgot to make a claim for him to get benefits in his own right when he was 19, that is over £500 I have lost. The advice I got regarding the DLA was also wrong. I was told that once he left I kept the payments for 12 weeks. When I say ‘I’ what is meant there is that I act for Jermaine so the money does come to me. The false information means a loss of a further £823. The Chalfont also got money out of me under what could be a false pretence and that is another £360. In all that means I have lost around £1700 that I thought I would have for this coming year plus being £200+ a week worse off now Jermaine is gone anyway it has made a huge difference to what I can do and how I do it. It is looking increasingly as though I won’t be able to go to Florida after all in October and I was really counting on that holiday as that place has just about everything I can want from a holiday destination and totally no stress and no having to worry about what anyone else is thinking.

There was a time when I managed to find a work around for such problems but I just can’t see it as things are. I just seem to be having more money out than I do coming in. The worse aspect is that 2007 promises to see an even great loss of revenue and a fight on my hands. I cannot see that Zoey will easily get DLA again but then, she is also not able to be left on her own so that I can get a job. If she does get DLA it will be at a much reduced rate making coping with stuff even more stressful and Matt still has this attitude that I am the one that is supposed to support him through college and Uni and I just can’t do it. It’s like I had mega pressure when Jermaine was here but a financial buffer but now have slightly reduced pressure but with the money being taken away, my safety net is slipping and it dead scary.

Martyn has decided not to do Florida, probably academic under the circumstances but I know if I can find the cash I will have just as good a time with Robin and the girls as long as I have my own wheels. The only problem as I see it is that they will have money to do what they want and I won’t. It may be cheaper for me to find somewhere cheap to stay so I really don’t feel obligated to try to ‘keep up’ financially with them or have any awkward moments concerning money.

Am finding it very difficult to get motivated just now. I really don’t feel like doing anything except spend loads of money and eat copious amounts of food. Both these things would ultimately make me all the more miserable. I suspect I know what I am missing but as they don’t sell it at Tesco I shall have to go without for a while longer

Unquestioning Love

Isn’t that really what life is about? Once all the cynicisms are stripped away, all the mistrust, the doubt and the fear of what we don’t understand, the aim has to be for Unquestioning Love?

Well, it is for me and I guess that is partly the theme of today when I had my first counselling session. It is not the first time I have heard someone say so but it is the first I have believed anyone. She told me I had done and am doing an amazing thing, that I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders and carrying it comparatively alone. I chose to be a dad and remain a dad when most would have taken the easy option and lived the gay life leaving the mother to cope. I have given up a lot for that choice, my freedom, my ability to have true freedom, to love another, to be loved. She said I should be proud of me, hold my head up high and show myself off but, well, it is early days and I cannot see myself feeling that or doing that for some time to come if ever. Part of that is just because right now I don’t see any gain in it. If I accept I am this wonderful person what does that gain me? I feel like a character from the Wizard of Oz and in need of some symbol of my achievements that other guys, even gay guys will see and say “Bloody hell, well done mate” and it means something to them, they somehow value me more but, I can’t see that happen so what use is it?

On the way back and feeling a little emotional I had the radio on and they were discussing a poem and a hymn, one of the ones played at Tony’s funeral and one of his favourites. It made me cry, I just wanted to be hugged by him in those big arms of his and be told it was all OK.

I am not happy with the Chalfont Centre, they have been proving to me that they show no consideration toward family and carers at all, it is really quite upsetting that all they want from me is answers to questions and money.

Martyn and I had a very good time at Ian & Richard’s this weekend. There was an issue that I thought may occur and I was not sure how I would deal with it despite what I had said. In the event, I was fine and it would have even been enjoyably memorable had I not been so utterly pissed.

If I am honest and, this is my blog so I have to be, I got too knackered with all the driving over the weekend it did spoil some of the enjoyment for me. Part of that was the desire to have some tender moments of one to one with Martyn whereas all I really seemed to do was sleep and I suspect, well, hope, that Martyn too was just as knackered. There were certainly times when I could have done with a lot of personal physical attention yet it was not going to happen. The trouble with all the driving is how much I was left aching, anything physical I did really did hurt but that’s me, I will always do what I am capable of doing until I am not capable any more. The weekend was good but just a bit of a blur and now it is over and I am feeling a little empty and unfulfilled and it isn’t really anyone to blame, just the way things happened.

Calais was great yesterday once we eventually got there and would have been better had customs not decided to ask loads of anal questions in Dover.

One special mention I want to make:

The one dog I ever found myself attached to died on Sunday after a short illness.

Gershwin was a very loveable bundle of fluff and always greeted me when I arrived and just stroking him often got me over some of my blues and he was so gentle. I know Robin will miss him terribly but I think it is important, even for a ‘dog’ that others also loved them and will miss them now they are gone. Gershwin, Unquestioning Love. Sleep well little fella.

Not according to plan

That has to be one of the crapiest experiences a person could have putting their child in a home.

We had a long wait for the doctor sat next to the main callbox where some young girl was pouring her heart out to her mother about how upsetting it all was and how one of the other residents was upsetting her and it just went on. Eventually the doctor found time to see us yet we waited in his office for a good 10-15 minutes whilst he finished his chat with a friend, it certainly didn’t sound like a call he couldn’t have got out of.

Next we started an hour or so of questioning, all the sorts of questions that they could have asked in advance, that I could have brought with me but I had to try and remember loads of really vitally important stuff from memory. When did Jermaine get diagnosed with diabetes? When did seizures start? When did the seizures stop relating to the diabetes? What medication was he first given for epilepsy and then which one after that and what was the reaction of each? This was after I had to run through from birth up to about 12 in great and ever increasing detail, all stuff that was in his notes from the hospital had they bothered to ask for them. Sue had to ask if they wouldn’t mind us having a drink!

From the doctor we went to see the building and Jermaine’s room and needed to suggest to them that time was getting on, maybe we could have some lunch? They made up some sandwiches which were horrible plain things and a little dry. Jermaine’s pre lunch bloods were 3.6 and by the time he had eaten a sandwich gone down to 2.4. They had put all his medication away so no dextro or hyperstop, they had to go to pharmacy to get one by which time we had got some from the car.

During lunch the entertainments guy came in and started lots of questions as to what Jermaine liked to do, what he would do, what he could tolerate so that went on for an age. Then, we took his clothes to his room but Jermaine was in thumping mode by now sick of sitting around getting bored for hours no doubt.

After lunch it was yet more question that majority of which we had already been asked, you know, things like ‘address’. That was bad enough but then it because obvious that her English was so bad she needed every word spelt out to her several times and she was still making mistakes … Northampton is, apparently, spelt: Northhamden. The questions became more and more anal. Even though we had already said several times that everything needed to be done for him they were asking if he was OK making a hot drink himself or doing the ironing? We’d already established he couldn’t dress himself but they asked if he could iron. Then there came a point where I still don’t know how I didn’t walk out … she asked about his continence issues and she was told he was in pads and was doubly incontinent. She then asked: “Didn’t it ever occur to you to try and potty train him?” Both Lucy and Sue both jumped in and suggested another topic and fairly quick like. From thence on I had no time for the woman and just took Jermaine to his room as he was falling off the chair in the dining room and no one seemed interested in that little detail.

I was hoping to get a little time with him to say goodbye properly but the bitch followed me and started asking what he had for breakfast, when he had it and whether he had a bath or shower and whether this was before or after his breakfast. I kinda snapped and just told her to look at the notes she had already made, I needed some time with my son.

I tucked Jermaine into bed because he was knackered, a hugged him a little and told him how much I loved him, kissed his head and he fell asleep. I still don’t know how I walked out of that room and less still without crying.

My proper transition time with Jermaine settling him in and at least allowing him to feel like it was his home was taken away from me but pointless questions and red tape. It’s a lovely building but they need to do way better than that for me to be content Jermaine is in the right place or that I can trust them.

I really appreciated Pete calling at one point, it helped calm me down at a time when I was getting really uptight.