Bye Jermaine

Finally things change but it’s too little and too late

The past couple of days I have started having district nurses asking my advice on what insulin to give Jermaine, this has never happened before. It’s how it should be but why the years of it not happening before?

Took Jermaine to the hospital today for a final appointment to see his epilepsy and diabetes consultants, John and Chris. We all agreed that the increased assessment period at the Chalfont had more to do with the tax year then it does with needing extra time to assess anything. Chris is also going to write that he feels the Chalfont is the best place so that is two senior consultants saying he should be there. If the Chalfont agree then the PCT don’t have a leg to stand on.

I guess it is worth doing a little bit about Jermaine.

He was born a healthy bright young thing and had a normal development until he was 11 months old. He used to always be smiling and saying little words then, over the space of a couple of weeks, he lost everything.

Over the following years he developed very slowly and by the time he was 8 he was talking just a little again and always smiling and happy, a real joy to be around. We knew there was something wrong with him his mother and me and we had him in a special needs school but family refused to acknowledge the problem saying that he’d just snap out of it, you know, denial and all that stuff which made them feel better but didn’t do anything for us or Jermaine.











Life went on and we moved to Northampton, by 15 the seizures had started and this marked the start of a downward spiral

Me and his mum divorced in 2000 but she had moved out by then and I brought up the kids with the help of my then partner Nick who was lucky enough not to really have known Jermaine as a younger child. This is what Jermaine looked like just 5 years ago



This is the last normal looking picture we have but already by the time this had been taken in July 2003 he had become very violent and generally difficult to manage.



Seizures got much worse, diabetes became epilepsy combined and various medication were tried that made his behaviour even worse. By 2005 things were getting quite desperate, Jermaine had long since stopped being the child I know, the son I adored.

This is what he looks like now, these pictures taken in October 2005





It was during October 2005 that I finally had to concede defeat. It was obvious I was never going to get the support I needed. My relationship with Nick was over, Jermaine’s mum had disowned him in the January, there really was no one to cover me in an emergency and I couldn’t allow that to happen.

I took the decision then to have Jermaine in full time residential care, to let my little boy go. If I am honest, my little boy went years ago, what is left is a shadow of what used to be and that is the most upsetting part, letting go of that final piece. I am pleased in many ways that so few of my friends have any idea what he used to be like. I do sometimes show them a small video of him when he was 8 and he just doesn’t seem like the same person.

Bye bye son.

I so needed to write that as I am now crying my eyes out and I feel just a little better, it just hurts so much, no one should have to give up, lose their child like this.

You Bloody Idiot

I had a really enjoyable time in Meltham with Stan and Pete, even that walk against the wind up the pub on Saturday evening in a blizzard was fun.

On the way there I thought it’d be fun to take some pictures of the car in the snow. I had not realised just how windy it was, I seriously thought my door was stuck when I tried to open it but it was just being pressurised by the forces outside. I am lucky really the wind had not been behind me else the door would have been ripped off.



On the way back on Sunday I paid a visit to Sue in Sheffield. I like Sue and she is a great conversationalist. The journey was not without incident as the satnav kept failing and crashing and just became useless. I eventually tracked the problem down to the loudspeaker connection for the mount and once I’d removed that it was stable and guided me well to Sue’s door.

I am really happy to report that the steroid injection I had last week as helped ease my pain. I still have the pain but it is not restricting me anymore, it’s a shame that it will most likely go back to how it was again in a few weeks.

This morning I awoke with a sudden realisation that once again I was being a control freak arsehole! On top of that was being a hypocrite and lying to myself as well. I had made it clear to Martyn “don’t worry about my feelings for you, they are my problem” and “I know I am a control freak and I hate it and I don’t want to do it” and this is the reality:

“OK, I will allow you to go out and have some fun if you want but don’t tell me about it, don’t snog a guy in front of me, don’t even let me think you are seeing anyone else, don’t do what you want to do because it will upset me and I can’t allow that!”

I mean, what a complete and total idiot I am. I am mostly annoyed with myself for not noticing what I was doing sooner. I felt there was something not right about the situation but couldn’t work out what and that’s it. I was controlling the situation and making it Martyn’s problem.

So, what I can do now is apologise to Martyn and suggest he just ignore me and do what he feels he wants to do as he probably should be doing and certainly what he has the right to be doing. What I don’t have the right to do is to be told he wants to be single and then manipulate a situation to make it look like he is my boyfriend … shame on me …. I need a slapped bottom so please form an orderly queue.

A relaxing weekend

Gonna take my laptop with me so I may update the blog or I may not undecided at this stage,

Just read Martyn’s blog and it really upset me, I thought we’d sorted all that stuff about controlling things what with me trying to explain how I am not really, I am more just voicing my thoughts, everything I say can be challenged and when I make a suggestion, and that is all it is, I am looking for a better one, it’s a starting block not a decision. As I am so flippin’ pissed off about my control freak image I really need Martyn to understand the real me, to know that sometimes I come across wrong but that he needs to question me on it rather than bottling things up and getting angry inside about it. It hurts because it feels like I am being blamed for something I didn’t do like if I’d accidentally bashed into someone yet they believed I’d taken a swipe at them, less still from a person that should know I’d do nothing to hurt or upset them. My point being, I have feelings too and I need to be as much understood and have allowances for me as Martyn does and I do try so hard not to make it sound like anything I do or say is one-upmanship or controlling.

As for Gran Canaria, as it happens it never crossed my mind that I was Martyn’s guest, I really thought it was an equal holiday where we just decided together what we wanted to do whether it was together, he went off or I did, we’d kinda just sort that out when we were there. But, I am happy to be the ‘guest’ … hell, I need a break so much I am happy to be told exactly what we are doing at any one given moment! As for Florida, I’d want Martyn to fully participate because I have already been there so I have done stuff already, I don’t mind missing some things out if Martyn would rather do something else. I’d be hoping Martyn looks into it beforehand and decides what he may like to do (or not) and I can certainly help as to how viable something may be having already done it.

In short, I do just need to be able to relax around Martyn and have him put in the same amount of effort as me and I think that just means communicating more as most if not all our difference can be explained by misunderstandings on both sides.

With Gran Canaria I only have one thing I would have real difficult with and that would be if Martyn was to start fooling around with some other guy in front of me. It doesn’t really bother me if he wants to go off and have some fun if that’s what he wants to do but no, I don’t think I’d like to watch as that would make me feel very lonely and excluded. Apart from that though, and we already agree it I think, I don’t have any must do’s on the holiday other than to have some fun

For the record again and to totally clear these silly thoughts from my mind (the purpose of this blog) I would never do anything to knowingly upset anyone least of all someone I think as much of as Martyn.

Okies, that sorted then, I may be able to get some sleep now!

A prick in my bum

I was lying on my side earlier and this really attractive guy gently and seductively pulled my trousers down and then my pants and massaged my aching buttocks with his hand whilst I was in heaven. He put it in my bum and it really hurt, I mean, it wasn’t unbearable but it was uncomfortable but quite soon his tool was empty and he withdrew and rubbed vigorously on my aching lower end.

“I hope that didn’t hurt too much” he said

“No, it’s OK, I am used to injections and the last one there was way worse than that, you did really well” I said.

OK, this was not an erotic fantasy but a brief summary of my trip to rheumatology earlier. After quite a long and painful examination they decided to give me a steroid injection to reduce the swelling in my legs but that will only last from between 6 – 8 weeks when I have to go back again, well, OK, I go back in 3 months the week after I get home from Gran Canaria.

They tell me there is a chance that the symptoms may go before the next appointment in which case I can relax and get on with life but more likely they said was that I will be as bad as ever within 2 months when they will put me on a new medication. The problem is, the new medication is probably going to reduce yet further my immune system opening me up to even more virus infections and as these infections seem to make my joints worse and me otherwise not very well, it’s a difficult decision to make. On the one hand, I don’t want to be in a wheelchair but, on the other, I don’t want to be deaded by the flu!

I decided earlier not to go to Manchester after all tomorrow, there was someone going that pissed me off earlier and I really can’t be arsed so I am just going to spend the weekend with Stan and Pete.

Matt has the ump because he somehow thought I said it was OK for him to go out whenever he likes over the weekend and leave the girls indoors whereas I am quite sure I said that it’s OK to do that Sunday whilst he is at work and didn’t say anything about the Saturday. He called his mum to ask if the girls could go there but apparently she has decided now that once a fortnight is more than enough to see her kids so she’s ‘busy’ this weekend.

I was pleased to hear that Robin passed his course with flying colours, not that I doubted he would but I know he was panicking about it.

It doesn't rain but it pours down

Still, enough about the crap weather and it is set to get colder too ... but, enough about the weather already!

I love starting work early, it’s just such fun.

It dawned on me this morning that probably nobody had told the school transport to pick Jermaine up so I called them, woke the poor guy up in fact. It appears that the school is closed until Wednesday. One little problem just became a huge problem. I have Jermaine here and no carers.

Anyway, I do thankfully have some reliable emergency numbers to call now and was able to arrange for the carers to be here today and tomorrow after all so that is that little crisis over with and all before 7:35!

Don’t have a lot to do today, just some small shopping, Matt wants me to take a look at a music shop in town and then we are going to go over to Robin’s, this is assuming we can get Zoey out of bed which is proving more problematic than anything else I have done this morning.

The Bristol Experience

I had a horrible drive to Bristol on Saturday, it was mainly fog all the way there and add that to some totally crap driving (the other guys on the road were not much better).

I would have still made it to the hotel for 1:30 as I planned had my satnav not decided that waiting until the most difficult part of the journey to stop giving me directions was a good idea. What is really annoying about satnavs is remembering to switch from the reliance on the bit of kit and use of my own brain. I mean, ‘it’ (satnav) was having go round in circles yet when I decided to ignore it the street signs actually did an incredibly good job of getting me to where I needed to be. As it happens I was only 15 minutes late which was just as well because there was a jobs worth woman on reception at the hotel that was never going to let me check in early!.

I sent Martyn a text to say I had arrived and he then called over that he could see that (or words to that effect) so the text was a little pointless and not least as my PDA is going screwy and it took nearly 10 minutes to get the text sent.

You can just picture the scene, so long apart that we ran into each others arms in a loving embrace declaring unending love and devotion, it was pure movie magic … no, wait, that was a movie. Actually we just said hello but that’s rather dull and boring.

Martyn took us up or, should that be ‘over’ the downs or, should it be ‘down’ the downs? Anyway, we went for a walk across some fields with several football matches happening, loads of “On the edge, man on, clear my balls and suck my goalposts” from the players, actually I couldn’t hear most of what they said but I am sure it was something like that .. for the record, the number 8 in yellow was crap.

There are some nice houses over that side of Bristol, probably some of them are old folks home but many still seemed to be privately owned and lived in, there is some serious money there. I did see one with a tower I quite fancied, it’s always been my wish to have a large erection in my house and there it was.

Our walk too us to the suspension bridge which I am pleased to inform is still there, that bloke IKB knew what he was doing with that thing … well, I say that, you see, when you look at the gorge it is quite striking that there is a newer bridge less than quarter of mile further along that I am sure was much easier to construct and they probably knocked up in a weekend which begs the question: Did Brunel build there because he was a jolly clever chap and just a bit of a show off or was it for a bet? “’Ere, Isambard, I bet you couldn’t get a bridge across the highest part of the gorge, there’s a pint on it mate”
“I certainly shall dear chap or I shall die trying”
As it happens, he did both.

Whilst we wandered along we discussed philosophy and climate change and the current state of erosion in the Nile Delta and … no, that’s bollox, of course we didn’t. We did speak about the Gran Canaria holiday and how crowded it sounds like being then, that the holiday company has altered our flights … we appear to now be part of a freight consignment along with 15 sheep and a small nuclear missile destined for Iran. There was also a chat about the sand dunes of Playa Del Ingles and that I had never indulged in the full range of activities it has to offer. I had drunk there, I had a pee there, I sunbathed and did sport got some exercise but apparently there is something I have not yet done which sounded interesting though I can’t recall what it was just at the moment.

Later I was at the panto. I decided to walk there too as I’d eaten rather a lot and needed to unbloat myself which, I am informed, is not a word but I think it should be so it stays. By the time I arrived my knees were really throbbing and I was glad to sit down and soon afterwards the curtains went up on Cinderella, it was her own fault, she shouldn’t have been standing there.

The ugly sisters were a scream though a slight slip in timing meant some of their gags got missed leaving the audience a little confused because the sisters looked puzzled they didn’t get a laugh, it was short lived and soon enough everyone was relaxed and having fun. Buttons was cute, straight but cute … well, I assume he is straight; he’s married so he must be! He did struggle a little with the numbers on the high notes or maybe it was just in the wrong key for him, it certainly wasn’t first night nerves as this was the last night but it didn’t detract from the show. I got somewhat confused by the background snoring and I still don’t know whether it was meant to be Baron Hardon asleep upstairs or the guy behind me, I didn’t think it was the sort of thing to sleep through but then, I remember Tony who seemed to go to sleep and snore through every production he went to unless it involved cute boys.

The Prince and Dandini were really excellent and even the occasional slip didn’t stop them, in fact, they were pro enough for it to positively add to the enjoyment. Martyn, as Baron Hardon did manage to get some boos but only by association with the ugly sisters. Poor guy, he was trying to show a certain degree of sympathy for his daughter Cinderella. I’d not have given her any, the bitch was two timing buttons so she could have a cross dressing lesbian affair, she deserved no sympathy at all! But seriously, it was very well acted; my only real downer was the King & Queen who I felt were both wooden and unconvincing. Young ‘Tarquin’ was excellent and coped very well with his challenge and was not bothered at all by the ‘accidental’ change of instrument from trumpet to piano. For a lad of 13 he did incredibly well. Our Fairy Godmother seemed knackered the poor love but then, she does have several other young girls to look after all of whom are looking for their one true love and it’s her job to sort it all out of course so no wonder she was fatigued. She did really well though managing to sing some songs that she clearly didn’t feel comfortable with and doing them well.

Well done one and all.

Afterward we had a party which was very weird for me. I can’t remember the last time I went to a party where everyone was at least pretending to be straight. Martyn is not out to them which made it all the more difficult for me. I mean, I am about as far away from Narnia as it is possible to get yet here I was feeling a little awkward what to say in case someone should ask questions about who I was, how I knew Martyn. Fortunately they seemed more interested in who I was than how I know Martyn and apparently I am just a mate who is mad keen on panto’s … well, it’s partly true.

Normally I am at functions with other gay guys so I am used to doing things together, it actually really hurt when Martyn went onto the dance floor for a ‘smoochie’ with a woman and obviously I couldn’t take part in any way. Putting aside any feelings I may still hold for Martyn, even as a friend I would have hugged at some point and danced so this just felt really out of place for me. But for now that is Martyn’s world and it doesn’t do me any harm at all to see things from a differing perspective and it must be just as awkward for Martyn too because he is really a lot more perceptive than he likes to let on, he’d have known I was sitting there wanting to hug him, he may even have liked the idea but he can’t and perhaps coming out to so many people at such an event isn’t the best decision in the world to make!

There was a lovely moment earlier on when some of the workers on the catering side performed their own mini panto and all I can say about it is … it was ‘alright’.

Good night sleep had I headed home around 9 but got too engrossed in the Archers and instead of taking the M6 O missed it and took the A42 instead, I didn’t even realise for some time and then noticed the motorway signs had turned green. That sure as hell added some to my journey time and I got back at midday, bloody Archers!

What an end to a CRAP week

The fracture was a break and Matt is on liquids for two weeks then he can up his intake to scrambled eggs and mash and then, if he is really good, after 4 weeks to soft pasta … wow, what a lucky boy … all so a chav could have a moment of feeling big before he went home for a wank assuming he could find his dick. In a way Matt is lucky the break is still inline else he would have needed surgery, he still may if he knocks it.

I got a call from the respite centre last night. They told me Jermaine has not been at all well all week, seizures increased, generally very lethargic, lots of blanking out. I asked why they had not contacted me sooner but they didn’t seem to quite know why that was. I got there this morning and he had just had another seizure and it struck me as obvious to why the moment I walked in. One of their other residents was making one hell of a din, yelling and screaming constantly. I asked the carers there if he had been OK the previous week and he’d been fine, no seizures, no temper tantrums, really relaxed. I asked when the other resident had been admitted and they said a week ago and then confirmed the health problems started soon after that. I asked had no one checked his care plan that he is not to be put with noisy residents because it sparks off seizures and temper tantrums? Apparently they were unaware of this, somewhat of a revelation to them despite the fact that it was this care home that was telling me just a few months ago how badly Jermaine copes in a noisy environment. Next I asked why he was having milk and biscuits and was told he always has a mid morning snack. I asked where that was in his care plan and she didn’t know (it specifically says not to give snacks). I asked if his blood sugars were high but apparently they were 10.5 which is 3.5 points above the top level of ‘normal’. I asked why then he was being given foods that were essentially sugar at 11am when he was not expected to have lunch had he stayed there until 1pm? Apparently they always give this mid morning snack and always give him something to eat after a seizure … I mean, why even bother writing a care plan when these people ignore it anyway?

Eventually got him home here about midday and he was wet so I changed him and he went to his room, the carers didn’t turn up until 1:40 some 1:40 after they were booked for. I stupidly assumed they’d given him food but they hadn’t so when the district nurse arrived at tea time his sugars were 1.7 (that’s bloody low to them what don’t know). Obviously the nurse couldn’t give insulin and that was fine, he could have it when the district nurses came this evening … shortly after one of the carers decided to cook Jermaine his dinner. He didn’t select any food from Jermaine’s section of the freezer but rather just about anything he liked the look of which turned out to be 4 chicken and vegetable pies. His reasoning for cooking 4 pies? Well, apparently he thought if he cooked 4 he could give Jermaine one now and the other three over the next three days!

Anyway, he gave this food to Jermaine which he apparently didn’t touch but also several dextro tablets, God only knows how many because when the district nurses arrived at around 9pm his sugar levels were up to 25.7, trust me, that’s high. The book they have to work from tells them to give 5 units of fast acting insulin above his blood sugar levels, in this case it should have been 31. But no, because they were there to give him his maintenance dose insulin (totally different type, unrelated) they were not keen on giving both so they called up the out of hours GP who told them to just give 6 units of fast acting along with the other insulin and to make sure he gets something to eat because being in bed all night he obviously won’t burn anything up … I asked them to think about that for a while … if he won’t burn off any sugar over night then why give him food on top of an already way too low dose of insulin? They eventually agreed it made no sense but they had to do what the GP said … this is not Jermaine’s GP by the way, this guy knew nothing about Jermaine and clearly even less about his type of insulin regime! The nurses did eventually apologise for treating me as everyone else does as a nobody who knows nothing and left … I am very grateful for Robin being the other end of the phone so I could let off steam rather than telling the nurses directly what I thought of the whole idea and suggesting they just don’t bother coming back again.

Hopefully I have calmed down before the panto tomorrow else I will be saying such things as ‘turn round you twat, the fucker is behind you’ and ‘Oh no it isn’t you lying git’ which may not go down too well!

Chavs strike again

Yeah, on Tuesday evening Matt was once again set upon by a group of chavs and again whilst friends stood by and did nothing. As usual, an unprovoked attack, just chavs getting their jollies.

Well, he brought some of these friends home last night so I didn't get much chance to talk to him about it but by this morning (Weds) he was complaining of a lot of pain around the left side of his jaw. Eventually we agreed it was worth a few hours in casualty just to get peace of mind. Over three hours later we find out the X-Ray shows up something they don't like the look of, they think it is either a fracture or a break but they can't be certain. So, tomorrow morning we have to be at yet another drop in clinic for what we are promised will be several more hours to find out exactly what it is.

Hopefully, some time tomorrow afternoon we can get the police informed and get a crime number and then, just maybe, Matt can send off for some criminal injuries compensation, at least he'll get one over on the chavs in his pocket if nowhere else ... assuming they actually pay anything of course.

A Red Letter Day

What with it being Valentines day it is a red letter day for millions up and down the UK and across the world but not for me as usual. But then, had something arrived it would have been anonymous, you know, there is someone out there who is my ideal man, the love of my life if he’d only call and tell me!

The time is now 11:33 in the morning and I can smell a lovely lamb joint cooking for our dinner later, yummy. This will be the third roast dinner in a row but I can live with that.

Martyn sounds a little more optimistic about the panto reading very deeply between the lines, possibly, maybe? I’ll find out on Saturday. At least that will be the last night so everyone should hopefully be quite relaxed and not trying to kill each other with visual daggers. I am still undecided as to what I shall do at the weekend. Obviously I have the panto but it is a long way to go just for a few short hours, I really feel like I need to arrange something else too but just can’t make my mind up what. It will probably be raining as well which will limit my options still further.

Robin is going through a rough patch, I blame the weather myself, and it’s enough to drive anyone into the doldrums. I think it is also that there are very few regular and long term projects going on at the moment and the nice things to look forward to are so far off. Depression is a horrible thing and I am glad I don’t get it very often now but having been there, I do know what it is like and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

This morning I didn’t get up until half past ten, I was quite impressed by that as I hardly ever sleep in that late.

Watched a movie last night ‘me and you everyone we know’ and it was really good
))<>((

As an ‘art’ movie I was expecting it to be a little dull and farty with no real story but a deeply hidden meaning but it wasn’t like that at all. There was a real story behind it and lots of well thought out additions and sub texts which lead to a general feeling that a great deal of thought went into this movie. The acting was generally excellent and the way certain situations, some adult/child scenarios were switched around to make them acceptable made a very clear point about the way society views such things. Well done.

Full Time Residential

I found out earlier on today that this could now be about to happen.

A date of March 2nd has been arranged for Jermaine to go to the Chalfont Centre initially for an assessment of at least 4 weeks but up to 8 and then he just may never come home again.

This is particularly difficult because as per usual, I can deal with a certainty, it is all up in the air. My idea was that he went for a brief assessment and then came home whilst we prepared him and us and then went back again for good a few weeks later in a big move with all his things and we’d all be ready. This just doesn’t feel right, it’s like he is on remand and we have no idea until the court case what is happening.

Needless to say I feel weird, I don’t really know how to feel. It is a kind of grief but underlying that is a need to feel relieved that I can’t do. That was part of my vision of what would happen, a great deal of upset that he has gone but also relief that we can finally be a ‘normal’ family again. I just don’t think I like this idea at all and will need to do a lot of thinking and talking to get my head around it.

… and in other news … the kids start half term today, seems barely a week since they went back to school but here we are again and on Friday I have to go pick up Jermaine from respite for what is possibly his last stay here and I feel so terribly guilty about that. OK, dropped back again into the same subject there.

Met Nick for lunch, he was quite impressed by my wearing of lycra tops again and I am very proud of myself too. I keep seeing myself in the mirror and it is so good to look like me again. I did make the mistake of having a couple of biscuits for lunch so now I have to try and get myself hungry enough to have dinner, worse yet, I am supposed to be cooking it or buying it.

What I like about my weight loss is it is all about me. I took an illness, a bad situation and turned it to my advantage and with quite a lot of effort I look good again, look healthy and feel better. This is the first time I have done this on my own without anyone to encourage me without anyone to compete with, no challenge to lose weight by a certain date or a holiday, just me wanting to do this for me and it’s quite an achievement.

Hmm, Thursday ... what happened to the week then?

Daisy is off school again, more nasty letters on my doorstep about attendance no doubt.

Matt decided that leaving at 7:30 this morning was a great idea and it was … had this morning been not Thursday. As it was, this is Thursday and he realised upon arrival in town that he doesn’t start college until 11 on Thursday so called daddy to come rescue him and, whilst at it, buy him breakfast at McDonalds!

He was only at college for 1:30 so hardly worth me going home and I did have some shopping to do anyway so off I went to Tesco via anywhere I fancied to do some window shopping first!

Got a call from the Healthy Department earlier, appears they have approved the funding for Jermaine to go for an assessment at the Chalfont Centre. This is only a first step. Once the assessment period is over (about 4 weeks) they then meet again to decide if they are going to fund his placement there. They may decide that they can find somewhere that they believe meets his needs better (read cheaper) so I have a battle on my hands to get things moving beyond where we are now.

My weight is coming off really well, even I am amazed by it and I am paranoid I am going to wake up fat again … back in lycra t-shirts again and loving it. Shame there is no one to share it with but then I am more doing it for me than anyone else and I certainly do feel better for it, very rarely getting tired during the day now.

Oh, I bought a new keyboard … I probably mentioned that didn’t I? Well, had it a few days and loving it, so much easier and very few typos now.

Had a really good evening with Rob in Rugby last night, would be all the more fun were I to get off my pert little arse and do some BSL course but fun all the same.

Seems like Martyn is having a rough time of it with the panto … oh dear. What’s the worst that can happen eh? The thing is a total cock up, the audience roars with laughter at all the mistakes and has a great time and several members of the cast are plotting murder …. All good clean fun and as long as the audience has a good time the panto is a success even if Cinders loses her voice; the ugly sisters lose their knickers and Baron Hardup gets a hard-on!

What a busy day!

Got the girls off to school, Matt had left already. Robin turned up around 9:30 and off we went to Sheffield to see Sue making good time on the way despite stopping for a drink on the way.

Had a great time with Sue, had to tell her that her ageing PC is well past its sell by date and she needs a new one but it really is and she does so there! Got the freeview working, my first one so pleased with that … a good signal helps! Got her new digital camera up and running and demonstrated that and also got her new telephones working as well. We had lunch at the Meadowhall Centre and I ate way more than normal and am still totally stuffed now! Arrived home shattered at something like 9:30 again so a 12 hour day and poor Robin must have been even more knackered as he’s going through a bad patch right now and did all the driving with me dozing off for several miles on the way home.

Daisy has managed to get up to 4 weeks grounding now because once again she has been telling lies and so blatant with it, she got a little slap too for being cheeky, I could have breathed on her harder but she got the point.

God I miss Tony

Been speaking to Liam in Wales quite a lot over the past few days. He’s 20 and cute and has a thing for older men. He’s fun to chat to but there is a certain distance involved and he’s unlikely to ever have a car and I am unlikely to ever do a journey to Wales just to say ‘hi’ so it’s not going anywhere. Besides … I do keep saying and mean it, I am not into casual sex with guys I hardly know so I guess nothing will happen at all!

Zoey’s teacher has again been upsetting her by insisting she brings in money for cookery even though I have mentioned several times now that I don’t pay for cookery items, if they want to have that part of the curriculum then the school can fund it … I get requests for money from that school almost daily, they just frankly take the piss.

The house stinks of overcooked fish, burnt rice and rotten eggs, I so wish it was summer so I could open all the doors and windows! Daisy had a cooking disaster earlier hence the smell and they were going to use some eggs but they had gone off, ewww.

In keeping with most of the civilised world, I hate Monday mornings.

This morning I am taking Daisy to school to find out what is going on. Most of her friends seem to think there is a teacher training day today yet the school website says not. But then, it also mentions no other teacher training days that they have had this year and I know of at least three occasions when they have been closed.

I am fed up with being single, it just doesn’t suit me. Not that there are any options or alternatives to that right now or for the foreseeable future. I’ve accepted and moved on from any idea that Martyn may wander down the relationship route, it’s never gonna happen, such is life, move on … so I did.

Still, a guy that is not into casual sex that can’t find a relationship feels lonely. Of course, casual sex to me means sex with strangers, guys I barely know so it doesn’t mean no sex at all but even so, not going to make my life complete by any stretch of the imagination. I can own all the gadgets under the sun, the PDA, the sunbed, the PC the … whatever, it doesn’t matter. I am not materialistic, none of that comes close to what I really need.

The tragic part for me is that I don’t, no matter how hard I try, find Robin sexually attractive, and I so wish I did cos I love him to bits and we get on so well … life is a bitch at times.

Really looking forward to GC, I so need a break somewhere hot and relaxing. It will be great being with Martyn again too … no, not because of any ‘feelings’ but because he is actually a very good friend even if he does have an annoying habit of getting jealous over stuff. It’s so silly really, as with all my friends he should know he can share anything, I’d help him get what he wanted if it made him happier. There is not a single bone in my body that would want to get one over on a friend and hell, I can’t help the way I look, I was just born with dark skin … I’ve actually always wanted to be blonde!

Gotta go, let’s go see what this school is really doing today.

Chavs, proud parent and boredom

Half a dozen chavs beat up my son in a crowded town centre market earlier on today because he leapt to the defence of a gay friend.

I am so terribly proud of him, the fact that the friend is gay is not really relevant, it’s that he is not afraid to stand up for what is right.

Those Chavs best not let me near them ... not that I can do any more than Matt did and they'd probably beat me up to but I'd make a mess of some of them at least.

As usual, no witnesses. The police asked Matt for a description of them, he said they wore baseball caps, their socks were on the outside of their Adidas track suits, there was Burberry somewhere, they were right handed and none of them had a brain that he was aware of ... seemed like a fair description to me.

I have time on my hands … as was pointed out earlier, yet I have no idea what to do with it. I think I have got so used to not doing anything that it’s just easier now not to think of an alternative!

I will not be beaten!

Carers never showed up this morning, ill apparently.

Matt did most of the work before I got up so I am going to take him to college as he is obviously running late now then I am getting back on track, this one is not getting buggered! (the day that is, not me)

That's Sunday buggered

My plan for Sunday have died now as they did for Saturday for the same reason so I am stuck at home again.

The kids mum has decided (again) that she is way too busy this weekend to have the kids so I have to stay here with them. Oh well, such is life I guess.

I am going to try and fit in as much as I can tomorrow to give myself a break instead.

I hate it when this happens

I asked matt to sort this morning out as I knew I was going to stay up a little later than normal and had today all planned out.

What was going to happen was that I was going to get up around 10, have a nice long soak in the bath, get out and have a nice sunbed session listening to some adagio or other and then go out for a while possibly over to MK for a wander, meet Robin if he wasn’t busy and in the evening I was going to go out with friends after a nice roast dinner cooked by Matt to see Brokeback Mountain … yes, a truly lovely day.

This is how it really went:

I was woken up at 8 by daisy saying how Zoey couldn’t be arsed to get ready so had missed her bus, Daisy had been arguing with Zoey was now running late herself. Matt had got up at 7:45, too late to make sure Zoey got on her bus and after doing Jermaine had gone back to bed. This meant I had to get straight out of bed and drive both girls to school, no time to do anything except clean my teeth.

On the way back me and Matt, who decided to go with me, had something in McDonalds, he some food and me a coffee. It was pleasant enough but away from my plans for the day.

I spoke to him and it turns out he didn’t get any meat out anyway so no roast this evening.

It is now 10:39 and I am really quite uptight, not really in a good frame of mind to do a relaxing anything, it will be some time before I get my day back on track again. This is assuming I shall.

This situation can’t continue as none of the kids give a shit about their chores now, they just see them as a joke, a bargaining chip for something they want. It has got to the point where I am starting to do these things myself just because it is less stressful to do it than it is to argue with the kids to do it. So, this evening, instead of a relaxing movie I am going to be having a family conference, we are going to sit down and find out how we got to this point and how we get back to what we should be doing.

Why is it I make these plans for myself to pamper ‘me’ when I really should know better?

Is it really already?

Oh my, this will never do … I have just been so neglecting this blog

What have I been up to then? Well, no flippin’ goat herds, that’s for sure.

My contract with my isp v21 expires in a couple of weeks and I am going to switch providers, I simply don’t need the aggro I get off them and they are no where near as cheap as they once were. Most likely be switching to Demon.

I am still not 100%, perhaps I should have settled for the mittens? Anyway, throat reasonably clear but I am still talking a little weird and cough now and then … I can live with that for now but will get it checked out if it carries on.

Just found out yesterday that the guy investigating the social services complaint sends his report to them and they add their conclusion which seems totally pointless, they just as well write it themselves if they don’t have to accept anything in it.

Things are finally moving on the placement for Jermaine to the Chalfont in Bucks. It turned out they sent their report to social services who didn’t think of passing it to health. I sent a reminder and health now have a copy so it is going to panel for them to throw a wobbly.

In the meantime back on the ranch, I have had to remind Temi, one of Jermaine’s carers, that she must be clear of the kitchen by 6pm. She has taken to not starting anything until 5:30 and still being in there doing washing up at 6:45 which was leaving no time for us to get a meal prepared properly and in private. I think they sometimes forget whose house this is. They also asked for Jermaine not to go into respite this weekend. Not because they thought there was some benefit to him or us but because they want the overtime, what a cheek!

Checked out Airmiles earlier to see if I would save money using them going to Florida later in the year. Turns out that if I fly to Atlanta I just save £110 but if I fly direct to Orlando I actually pay slightly more in cash than I would do if I booked the flights elsewhere. So, I spend £100 of Tesco vouchers to save £110, can’t see the point in that at all!

The minute I walked in the door (queue trumpets), I could see it needed cleaning so I got the mop out, how exciting was that? Not only that but I did two wash loads and don’t have any washing left to do in the house, in fact, sod all left to do at all! I am so going to get me some voluntary work because this is driving me nuts!