High on a Hill was a Lonely Goatherd ...

So, I have this urge to go climbing hills looking for lonely goatherds, what's the problem with that I ask myself? OK, there is this chance I will be too knackered to do anything with him when I locate him but it's a nice thought all the same! I can assure you this has nothing to do with lederhosen, I would remove that very quickly!

OK, cut scene to walking across the desert, scarf over mouth when beautiful boy is seen wandering naked across the peaks ... stuff the camel and I don't care if it gets the hump, I'm off to the rescue, someone needs to protect that young man from the sand and wash him in clear water getting to all those hard to reach places ...

Meanwhile, back on the space station with young Bennett, the chief engineer fresh out of design school. Today will be an experimentation on the theory of zero gravity and its effect on the body during intercourse. I know, in the job spec this called for a woman but Bennett seemed ever so keen and the experiement needs to be done, it's a tough job but someone has to do it.

I am sensing a theme here!

Important discovery: I can't blow up balloons right now

Cats: George just jumped up and had a cuddle, this is unlike George

Important discovery (#2): Door to the room where the cats food is had been shut

Whickers on kittens, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string ... these things are actually quite boring and so last century

Where are friends in that list anyway Julie? Come on girl, keep up. No wonder she was in a convent if she placed friendship lower than mittens! "Yes, I would like to come have a meal and see a movie but I am playing with my mittens, maybe another night?"

Big Brother has ended and shock of shock, the non celeb won, now, no one could have predicted that one! I may actually watch the next one if they meet a few of my requirements:

1. All men please, none of these silly girlie things
2. All of the entrants must be either gay or bi or there must be a steady supply of beer in the fridge to ease them in that direction
3. All those evicted must come here to be debriefed
4. The winner gets me as his main prize and enough money to have some serious fun

OK, that ain't gonna happen so I won't watch it after all.

Weird and uninteresting fact: I woke up last night from a nightmare that I can't remember in the slightest in a pool of sweat. Nightmares don't normally do that to me so I am glad I can't remember it. This said, I am assuming it was a nightmare, it may have been an imagined really horny session with dozens of cute young things and shit I can't remember! (adopts angry face) ... (Would possibly explain my relaxed feelings this morning though)

I am really happy about going to Florida later in the year. I'd love Martyn to come along but either way, I am going, I can just as easily stay with Robin, Mary and Sue. I'd still have my own car though, I have tried being in the States relying on others to get me about and I didn't like it.

I'd prefer to go with Martyn for a few reasons ...

1. He's not been before so his thoughts on the place would be really interesting as would his reaction to theme parks and rides
2. A seperate villa would mean being able to swim naked in the pool
3. It would be someone there that I can have a good shag with ... oops, am I allowed to say that?
4. He'll be suggesting stuff he'd like to do that I may not have thought of
5. We get on really well and will have a good laugh!

Note: I get on really well with Robin in particular and I am sure I would with Mary and Sue as well but they already know each other well and I'd feel like an outsider at least for a while no matter what the intent, I just don't share their history together, I'd be the wild card in the bunch which, I have to admit, I can live with quite easily :-)

Bottom line is, I'd enjoy myself no matter what. I'll make that decision and so will Martyn in GC. I know I can book stuff at the last minute but I do think it is only fair if I am going with the guys that they have as much notice as possible that I intend to do so.

I am getting the urge to go climbing hills again and if all I find is bloody mittens I am going mental!!!

What Kind of Fool am I?

Enough said really :-(

Off to bed with me

Back Again

The PC is now fully restored and running fast, didn’t take as long as I feared it would and relatively few problems. The main issue is I still can’t find any way of saving my email settings so I am constantly forgetting them. I have them written down but I then have to enter each in manually and it is a right pain when there are a dozen of them.

My friend from school arrived here on Wednesday with the intent to stay until Thursday. It’s difficult to describe Paul politely but suffice to say, I am going to try!

He is just a few months my senior yet acts at least 20+ years more than that. His age is an excuse not to do anything in life, strangely, he has always had an excuse not to do anything, and his ancient being (apparently) is just one of the many excuses he has. I swear I shall swing for him if he tries to bundle me in his exclusive ‘too old to change now’ club. He suffers panic attacks believing alcohol offers a far better solution that the doctor could so seeking the former on a regular basis and the latter not at all. I allowed him to share my bed (for sleep) against my better judgement and he is terrible. He says he has a single bed but yet it appeared my King-size bed was not big enough for him. I found myself without covers more times than I could recount and often struggling to find any room in the bed either and trust me on this, Paul is not a big man! Never again will he come anywhere near my bed!

He went home yesterday and not a moment too soon. I was bored rigid by the guy and sickened by his pathetic excuse for a life.

Robin finally had confirmation from G yesterday that G had no real feelings for him and that has brought that to a close. My personal feeling is that this is long overdue and Robin will be the better for it long term but for now he is hurting and I am there for him, he’ll get through it with help.

I am feeling terribly lonely, missing Martyn even though it is wrong and stupid for me to do so. Still, I can’t help the way I feel and the being apart thing is difficult for me but it is ‘me’ and there is no way I expect Martyn to do anything about it or feel bad about it. That said, I am not feeling bad for having these feelings either. They are natural and part of who I am and as long as I can deal with it (and I can) then there is not a problem!

Speaking of Martyn, glad he got his graphics card sorted. I was a lot more stupid, went to PC World for a new one, got one but the wrong one which delayed my PC rebuild by quite a bit. The replacement card I got was not my chosen card but it did resolve my problem so that has to be a good thing.

Jermaine is back today, arrived a few hours ago and he doesn’t look at all well. The respite centre has clearly not been taking his care seriously enough and I am certainly not happy about it and the community nurse saw him too and she is none too happy either and shall be paying them a visit to put them right on a few things. Took me nearly 2 hours earlier to pick up some medication for him waiting for the doctor to sign the script then trying to find a pharmacy that had the stuff in stock, a right pain!

Matt is out now for the evening so it is just me and the girls. Neither of them is a conversationalist so I feel totally lonely and not a little pissed off as I also have to monitor the carers and make sure they know what they are doing but also I have a district nurse service now for him so I have to make sure they know what they are doing too and often they don’t.

Gone but not Forgotten

Oh, it's OK, no one has died!

No, I am finally doing a rebuild on my main PC which means I have to use the laptop which I don't like doing for long though I have no idea, it is quite a nice keyboard!

Martyn having his graphics card trouble finally encouraged me to get a new graphics card for my PC but not, it seems, to see what interface I had so now I have the wrong graphics card and PC World do not like giving refunds when there is nothing wrong with a product but only if there is a defect and it was entirely my own fault after all, it does say 'PCI Express' in huge great letters on the box and had I had any idea that such a slot existed I would have known not to get one as I don't have a compatible motherboard.

So, off to PC World tomorrow, wish me luck!

My PC is all ready for the rebuild subject to the new graphics card, hard drives swapped etc so it should take no more than 3-4 hours to complete.

I bought something for someone earlier :-)

I nearly have my full voice back, it just sounds a little 'teenager' at the moment which is a little weird!

Feeling OK in myself though, a little drained but I lost a lot of sleep, it's to be expected.

Looking forward to getting a hug off the man I love, he is the Mac to my Mabel so I don't expect roses but even so ...

Back in a day or three

ttfn

In and out the other side

Saying I am cured is taking things a little far but very nearly true. I am sort of eating normally. I can't say I am because 'normally' before I got ill meant a whole lot more food than it does now.

Looking in the mirror I was convinced I had not lost weight yet went to the gym earlier and fully dressed carrying my ipod I was 9st 3lbs which is considerably less than I would have thought I was.

Matt has been telling me how some fat lesbian at college has been making him really angry today insisting that he has had 'man flu', in other words, a cold. I think I would have replied that actually, I was nearly better but that she was still an ugly fat lesbian!

Speaking of the gym, yes I did, up there somewhere ... I did more than I thought I would today. On the cycle thingy and burnt off 100 calories which is pathetic for what I would normally do but 'normally' I would not be on the cycle thingy for 15 minutes. I was a little shocked how low I had to go with some of the weights but I did what I could manage so that's a start. On one, the chest press, I used to do 60+kg yet only managed 28 today but that was way over a year ago now so I have to expect some failures.

I think I should stick to swimming anyway as I liked how my body got when I used to go three times a week and I'll cancel the gym membership. That will save me £300 by the time Florida comes around which will all add to the enjoyment.

Very underspent in Tesco this month, amazing to be in credit for January, It is traditional that it runs in debt until March. Good in one way that I have some extra cash but then, I get less vouchers too which means I don't have so many air miles to spend on Florida.

I figure if we can't stay with Danny in October then we will just find a 'days Inn' or something similar and stay there overnight.

So wished Martyn could have been here last night, just really wanted to be with him, I know, soppy but that's me.

Room for Improvement

Today has been a much better day for me. No where near as much pain and I have managed to eat a little. I actually feel quite stuffed on what was no more than an average watery lunch!

My comments the other day about Matt and DJ were wrong, silly dad.

Matt actually feels worse and Daisy's ear has still not stopped leaking and is very painful for her. I had both of them back at the docs today. DJ has drops for her ear and Matt another course of penicilin but told that if he is not improved in a couple of days to go back and get a blood test in case it may be glandular fever. DJ had a swab done though I am not sure what that will prove.

Tomorrow, which will be today by now I should think, I have a meeting with the local MP about social services. I won't be saying anything, I can't. My advocate Sue will do all the chatting and I have prepared her some notes to make it a lot easier.

Got a cheque for £50 from AutoGlass earlier by way of a final settlement of my dispute with them. It's what I paid them and what I expected to get and I didn't have to pay out for any other repairs so I gues I am happy with that.

The Latest

Matt is slightly improved as is Daisy. I am now on antibiotics but they only started yesterday. It will be a few days before they start doing anything.

I still can't talk, can't eat and sleeping is horrible, loads of being awake in pain and nightmares when I do sleep waking up in pain.

Things could be better

Reporting in

Daisy has an ear infection, Matt has tonsilitis and I have a viral infection ... that means, they get antibiotics and I am sent home and told to rest and see how I am in three days ... so much for doctors

Earth to Brain

Well, no voice, such that my condition currently is, means no meeting. This did not stop me picking up the phone and dialing the number to apologise for me not being there. I was lucky, brain engaged before I pressed the green button!

My PDA is saving on the paper, I am writing what I need to say on there. I do need to have an emergency appointment with the doctor as clearly my optimism on this bug was unfounded and it isn't going anywhere. I shall make myself a sign and place it around my neck I think but I know they will start asking all sorts of stupid questions and me communicating I have lost my voice won't stop them! Matt still isn't OK either so I am hoping he's off college tomorrow and can call them for the pair of us.

Yes, I know, I was told I should have seen the doctor a few days ago, I shall do as I am told next time, promise.

Cold Front

… and back and insides and outsides. Yep, I have the cold still but it is only a cold so I am not dyeing any quicker than I should do with it as far as I am aware. Matt seems to have something equally nasty too – excuse me whilst I just clean something off the screen – Last night was a much better night. Not that I went to bed until about 2 this morning but at least I kind of slept with regular waking moments but nothing extreme.

Tilly has been all protective like animals can get. Worked out I wasn’t right and not wanted to leave me alone. On the plus side, I know that were I working I would have been at work today, they would have had to send me home and I doubt I would have been entirely functional but I am capable, sort of!

Had to show Matt the brutal reality of car insurance earlier by doing a quote for a really cheap and small car which came out just short of £3000, the car he wanted came out at £3700 and this is only 3rd party cover! Bless him, he seems so dejected but I can’t change the reality and we all had to experience it or we were on dads policy for eons and my insurance company just laughed when I suggested adding him.

Apparently it is Wednesday today which means I have a meeting in the morning at Zoey’s school, can’t really skip it either so best go along.

Still no phone call

I'm up

I got about 4 hours sleep, probably scared the life out of a few friends, maybe upset one or two and for that I apologise.

In relation to health I still feel crap but it is a bad cold mixed up with being really tired which only 4 hours sleep will do for a person. Apart from that I feel quite upbeat. Writing what I did last night clearly helped even if I am not sure you, the reader, needed to read it.

Particular apologies to Martyn who got more messages than most and, just as Tony would have done, wisely decided not to reply but I am sure he'd have found it so much easier just to write back 'sod off'.

Trying to drink my first coffee of the day, taken the best part of an hour so far as I made it then walked into the office direct from getting up and noticed a text from Matt saying how he was running really late, had missed his bus because Zoey would not cooperate and only have 25 minutes to get to the other side of town for an 'A' level exam. I left straight away but every light and stupid mother in her 4x4 was against us. At 8:55 we gave up as the remaining portion of the journey could not be done in that time and he was already borderline had he been there seeing as they are meant to be there 10 minutes prior to the exam. He can resit the thing in the summer so all is not lost.

I am supposed to be writing a presentation to my MP this morning before going to a meeting with Sue at the Carers Centre, not sure I will get that done in the 10 minutes I have left before I have to leave. Really, I felt updating you was more important, let you know I am OK, ill but OK. There is a pillow with my name on it for some time this afternoon though! :-)

Warning, heavy stuff but I am not about to top myself

Late yesterday morning I started to get a little tickle of a cough, nothing else, just that, nothing to worry about.

The previous night, that’s be Sunday, Matt did me some Gin & Tonics but it was not until my head started really spinning I realised how strong they were, I went from being mildly tipsy to really rather pissed. Needless to say, I didn’t feel too clever when I woke up at 8:00 on Monday morning. I also had not gone to bed until something like 3am so too much booze and not enough sleep.

I took myself off to Tesco for lunch, I had no idea why, I didn’t need to go to Tesco but there I was and I was aware I was not thinking rationally. Later on in the day I visited the GUM clinic, my throat started to tickle again so I needed some water. Had all my checks, two weeks to wait for the result.

By 9pm I had made my mind up that a bedtime prior to midnight was on the cards and so I went upstairs at 11 but realised quickly I was feeling way worse than just tired. I couldn’t get warm; my feet were really hurting they were so cold. I lay there awake, I said goodnight to Martyn and reached over to give him a cuddle … sod this, get a grip Steve. No one is here with you, you are on your own and I suddenly got very scared, felt very small and lonely. I reached over and put on my comfort light, the one Tony got me, I feel like he’s there when I turn that on. I got up, got warm things on and came downstairs, took some paracetemol and here I am, waiting for them to work and waiting for me to get out of panic mode …. I do hate this feeling.

I guess this proves my point, going to bed early is pointless because I have not gained anything, just stressed myself out. I think tonight brought it to a head for me though why I go to bed late. As long as I am up doing something I don’t feel alone, there is someone to talk to, something to read, and something to watch. In bed, unless I am really tired, I think, I think too much and right now I don’t have the answers. I shall do but not yet.

Something huge is worrying me too … this is not unique to me, parents the world over have this. It has just dawned on me that pretty soon the kids won’t need me. Sure, they will need me but they won’t depend on me, the role I have had for 19 years is ebbing away and there is nothing I can do about it. The other night, Saturday night, Daisy threatened to go live with her mum, she meant it to and Kris had things planned, it was all going to happen. I managed to stop it but that was so frightening. I mean, Matt could go any time, he’s 18 shortly. Daisy to Kris and Jermaine leaving likes rats from a ship. They are each growing up, not babies any more. I look at pictures of them when they were little and it’s really upsetting, my little babies all gone. OK, just cried my eyes out. Look, you don’t need to read this, I am sorry, please don’t get upset but I do need to write it. I feel a little better now and the tablets are starting to work too. Things will seem better when it’s light, they always do.

Bollox to it

Does anyone want around 40= totally crap DVD not one of which I have had any success with? If they allow me to write to them hardly any drive will read it afterwards ... memo to self : Don't buy cheap crap from PC World.

The outside light is still inside, it has got really cold again with snow and ice and I am buggered if I am going outside to sort it out in this!

I am sick of being fat yet have managed to find an excuse every day not to go to the pool or the gym, I should be ashamed of myself ... and I am.

This pain I am getting, it's not very nice but there are some advantages, OK, just the one I have discovered so far. When I got to bed I have really cold feet but I also have inflamed ankles so, if I rest my feet on my ankles (not at the same time silly) then my feet get warmed up and the pain eases off a little, a good balance. It hurts too much to put my feet on my knees where the main pain is so if someone with cold feet would like some knees to use, here I am.

Why do I feel tired all the time? (answers on a postcard)

I have my GUM MOT on Monday, it'll be good to get that out of the way with. I have not really been worrying about it too much but I do have to consider that my current condition stems from somewhere and it would be good to rule out the STD route. God help me if I am HIV+, arthritis and HIV+, I am doomed to spend the rest of my not entirely healthy and trunkated life alone, sod that. I am banking on negative, seems way more promising.

Now, about this £15m on the lottery this evening, I'll share it wisely if I win but I could really do with it right now should anyone, you know 'upstairs' be reading this.

Meant to be going to a party this evening, not really in a being sociable kind of mood but I shall go anyway and maybe stay for an hour or two. I won't really know that many people there so few will notice me arrive or leave.

Got GPRS sorted, Virgin sent me some settings so that is up and running again.

OK, I am getting bored writing this now and neither Robin or Martyn have updated so I can't be arsed to update any more either ... maybe tomorrow

Speed, I have speed

No, not the drug, the RAM for my PC arrived and I have noticed a speed increase. I have also had a blue screen of death again and it is from the nvidea graphics card. Checked Google and it is a well known problem, loads seem to have it yet there is little can be done. I did update the drivers, no blue screen but then, crap graphics too :-(

Read Martyn's blog earlier, I wish I had know about it earlier, I wouldn't have had so much to read!

Martyn, you had no need to feel any jealousy about GC in July, as far as I was concerened, you were there in many ways! Yes, there is nothing I would like more than if you had a nice big house I'd go stay with you and yes also, I know you know what I know and that what I want I can't have, it's OK.

Just finished reading Robin's blog too, thanks honey, some nice words. I will have to be cutting down on my trips over petal, costs rising, income shrinking! I will still always be there if you need me though and you know you are always welcome here and you will have wheels again as of tomorrow :-)

Now, not spoken to Danny in ages, I am missing Danny but just never seem to make the time and it is entirely my fault, I have the time just don't set it aside. I will though, I most certainly will.

Day didn't go quite as I hoped today. Not terrible just not as productive as I wanted. Some housework, general tidy up. Swearing at the PC, some shopping, my hair cut (way overdue).

I did get several letters sorted and set an agenda for tomorrow so that's a bonus.

Wanting to have a shower but worried the ceiling will finally give way ... of course, if I had someone here to do my back then sod the ceiling, ho hum :-(

Thinking I am not arrange this Kagoul thing in London, it is taking more time than I have spare and with less money now I would rather spend it more selectively. I will have way more fun in Bristol being covered in shaving foam than I will in Manchester.

It's tomorrow already, time for that shower I think.

Bored, I am unbelievably Bored!

Bored, I am so bored I could crush a horse and eat a grape. Hell no, I am more bored than that, oh yes I am .... " --------------- "

Plan for today: kept it simple, start the year off slow ....

Get up (at some point)
Make hole in wall, affix light
Make two more holes in door frame, affix new bell push
Step back proud of myself, have a bath, go back to sleep, relax, eat and sleep

Actual day ... Zoey wakes me, "I missed the bus"
I take Zoey to school picking Daisy up en route because her school still isn't open
Coming back from Zoey's school Matt calls "Can you buy me breakfast down town?"
I buy breakfast
Cancel DIY plans
Attend to email
Take too long over email
Start doing useful things
Interrupted several times, balls up useful things
Attempt to get Bluetooth working on PDA, fail, bugger up GPRS
Run out of day, sort out kids arguments, make plans for tomorrow

Where has this day gone ... "It's behind you"

Apparently it is Tuesday

I got up late, I don't normally but today I did, it was good.

I ate, a talked, I did stuff. I went to the pub, I drank, I chatted ... I didn't do stuff.

I came home, I showered, I am clean

Life can be just so complicated at times.

Review of 2005

My general feeling of 2005 was that it was a year of high hopes not so dissimilar to a glorious river heading for a waterfall. There were beautiful things to see along the way, memories that will last me years and bring a smile to my face but, on the whole, I will remember that big drop and how deep the water was.

January:

The year began with me in a relationship with Nick, Jermaine was in children’s’ services respite and Nick, Matt and me were all at Ian & Richard’s place chasing after Matt trying to stop guys getting in his knickers with him very pissed filling up a biscuit tin on the way home and still dating Kim. Nick had started a new job, the year was looking good but already uncertainties were looming.

I had already just about decided that my relationship would not see another year. I was aware that with Jermaine reaching 18 his respite would collapse and something else would need to replace it. I had been working hard to that end but still nothing was in place.

Ian & Richard dropped by for one of their very few non party visits on Jan 9th but it was a very short stay and there they were, gone.

Occupational therapy came to find out what we needed and we agreed upon a bed, it never happened.

By Jan 22nd we’d had another set of visitors, a one time visit from Andy & Craig, the guys we met in Gran Canaria the previous year. We were not to see them again in 2005 or have any real contact with them.

February:

I started the month off with a radio interview with a station in the Republic of Ireland about gay dads but it was a one off, I didn’t hear anything else from that interview. My Citroen was once again in the garage for repairs, they seemed to be having it more than me and I had decided it had to go, it was just a matter of when. Matt had managed to bugger up the laptop; this was the year I lost my ability to get accidental damage on my household insurance policy.

March:

Ntl finally got the boot and in came BT. Another new face was Sue Helyar from the Carers Centre, someone that was to prove invaluable as an ally over the coming months. I did a conference in Bristol this month which went really well for the Terrence Higgins Trust. I was there in my capacity as manager of Gaydads and Ian from Q:dads went along too. Jermaine started his stays at Quarry House, somewhere that was never going to suit him, one of many problems caused because social services don’t listen.

Mid month and Matt went to Paris with Kim, I had a feeling she was just going to have the experience and would dump Matt when they got home but Matt couldn’t see it, maybe he didn’t want to. Yet another new face for me this month was David from Clapham and Houston, Texas. My friendship grew with Stan and Pete but it was Matt that went up to visit at the end of the month and was duly dumped by Kim at the same time so spent all his money owing me quite a bit and quitting his job.

April:

That was that, nearly 5 years of a relationship and Nick moved out on 2nd. It was something we both wanted yet, after that amount of time it was always going to be a wrench and I am not sure either of us have got over it but it was the right thing to do. With Nick no longer around, I take active measures to sell the car. The C8 went very quickly and for the asking price and I bought my current car, the Chrysler Neon.


May:

Yet another new face, Pete who is a bisexual guy I know, very nice chap though a lot more keen on sex than I am but such is life. Charlie and I walked to Tony’s along the canal path, a totally mad thing to do but a really enjoyable day.

What I did not know was that Martyn nearly died this month, I think I am glad in many ways that I didn’t know else I’d have been on the next plane out to GC to look after him!

June:

The cats reached 1 year old and I got to 42. Matt arranged a wonderful party for me and Robin and Tony looked after me for the earlier part of the day. I look back on this with real happiness but also sadness remembering Tony and this being the last thing I celebrated with him. I did a lecture in Wellingborough about me as a carer, which was fun and also enlightening. I finally became friends with Martyn again and he visited me here which was wonderful. I visited Tony on my own for what turned out to e the very last time on June 20th. I told him he was ill then but he wouldn’t listen. He invited me to go to Gran Canaria with him and Pete next month but later retracted the invitation which really upset me, apparently they had a great time. I am so sad to think I missed out on that last time with Tony having fun, seeing him happy.

July:

Off to Gran Canaria with the kids, Jermaine is in respite. A wonderful holiday but, as is often the case, I got ill which meant some emergency and very painful dentist treatment when I got home.

August:

Jermaine went into Hargrave House in Rusden officially for an assessment but otherwise, very little happened this month.

September:

This month I met another Nick, a student nurse from Manchester but there were problems from the outset. He smoked, it was obvious he was trying to give up because of me and that wasn’t going to get us anyway. He had an attitude to life that is excellent in a student but crap in a partner so it was doomed to fail which it did later this month. I did a visit to Drayton Manor with the kids, my first ever and that evening had to drive to Clacton for a great weekend with Tom & Gary. I really like the pair of them so much.

My old school friend Paul visited too. It was not pleasant. He has health issues and is borderline alcoholic. He also knows nothing about sensuality and we had very rough sex which really hurt and was about as near to being raped as I ever want to get.

Met up with Danny and Dan again when I picked them up from Luton.

I finally got myself a King Sized bed, way later than I should have left it me thinks!

Met loads of guys off Kagoul again though, if I am honest, my main thought was, yippee, I get to meet Martyn again. I know the feelings are not reciprocal but that doesn’t matter. To be honest, I am not sure Martyn would ever tell me if they were but that’s just something I live with and I am not complaining because he makes me happy every time we are together, even if we don’t say anything I am happy, he builds me up.

BANG! Tony is dead. I cannot believe it. I had a speech ready for when I heard inevitably very third hand that Tony had died hours if not days earlier. I had built up to it knowing it would happen maybe by December, I was ready. Pete called, Tony had just died, I failed, I wasn’t there for Pete, I was gone in my own shock and grief, I handled it so wrong. I just cried and cried, I have never grieved for a friend before but Tony was special.

October:

Tony’s funeral, I need not say anything more, read previous blog entries.

Black Friday when everything social services had been warned could go wrong, went wrong and I am still picking up the pieces. Not only did it destroy any confidence I had left in social services, it forced me to make the decision to lose my eldest son and also had the result that the virus I had triggered arthritis in me.

New face of the month, another Pete from Peterborough. Visit from John and Steve the guys I met on Kagoul.

November:

Interviews for both BBC Northampton and Northants 96fm, both about the appalling service I have received regarding Jermaine. There was another Kagoul meet where I got to meet yet more guys and, again, Martyn. Stayed over with David & Gregg in Clapham. The following week and I was in Clacton for another enjoyable weekend in Clacton.

December:

Our holiday and Christmas in Disneyland Paris. Not my ideal for Christmas but it had to be done and it was fun so what the hell!

Did my first horse ride thanks to the wonderful John; it will also be my last!

Then there was Christmas, a bit of a non event as Christmas’s go but one of the best we have, quite strange how things work out.

For New Years eve we had to stay at home so I arranged a gathering here then, once that was done, we found out we didn’t have to stay at home, a right bugger but it turned out for the best. Martyn came down a day earlier than the others which was great news for me, not so good for him as he had trouble sleeping. Probably all my fault snoring and fidgeting but he was too nice to say so. Gary and Tom were here, so was Pete and finally Charlie and we had a family type celebration with games and silliness. I do hope it didn’t seem to silly or too not gay for them but I enjoyed it.

So, that was it, 2005 been and gone, 2006 started up, cogs spinning and ready to go.