Busy Oh Hell - o - ween Busy

Spent most of today with Sue going over what we should send to those concerned by way of a complaint, I think I got it all sorted but it took a lot of searching through my not quite as clever as I thought filing system.

Jermaine was scheduled to go to respite today but at 15:30 a taxi turned up, no escort, just a taxi. Heaven only knows what social services were thinking, whether he was meant to go on his own with a label around his neck?

Thankfully one of the carers were here and volunteered to go along which is the only reason he isn’t here now.

For some reason, I am feeling bad about not making a bigger effort for the trick or treaters of the area, I am getting quite into this event now annoyingly!

Chocolate

I should not, I really shouldn't but, well, they are there and I am here and well, it's a waste not to eat them .... WOW, Chocolate, yummy!

Saturday Fun

I had to get up reasonably early to sort Jermaine out but boy did I ache after yesterday!

Fortunately Jermaine was not uncooperative but he had made rather a mess of his bedroom to which I thought to myself, to hell with it, let the carers sort that out! Oh and yes, they are still annoying me like crazy. I just wish I could think of an easy resolution.

Since they started the sofa has gone from barely salvageable to, boy, I don’t want to sit in that piss ridden thing anymore! It has crossed my mind that if the thing is ruined that we just as well put the smaller of the two in Jermaine’s room and a TV and make them sit up there all day. They do have everything they need on site; I could make a self contained flat of the room by removing excess furniture out of there. All I really need is the money guaranteed to write off that suite from social services and I cannot see that happening any time soon.

Had an amazingly brilliant time with John and Steve earlier, I mean, way better than I could have hoped for and am looking forward to meeting up with them again when I can. For the record, for anyone that doesn’t know, they are not a couple!

Tomorrow I have the day off so a lay in bed hopefully, let’s see what happens there!

And on into the weekend

Yesterday I went to see a show in the evening with Robin, can’t recall the name but it was terribly funny if not for the reasons the author intended. Partly it was the way the cast kept forgetting their lines but mainly it was because one of the main parts was played by a very camp as tits guy trying to play a gay man who was, alleged at a few points during the play to be gay, it really was so amusing.

Today I did the much promised thing of getting the kids (and myself) ice skating in Milton Keynes, we picked James up too and he went along with us. It was great fun but I have to confess, I am so out of shape, the pain was really stopping me doing what I wanted to do, at times I was just exhausted! On the plus side, James was having trouble keeping up too and he is quite a bit younger than me!

From there it was a dash home again and out to have an Indian Meal with friends and mainly to say farewell to Danny who flies back home next week, it’s really sad to see him going but there really isn’t any choice in the matter.

As if the day was not busy enough I had agreed to go over to Charlie’s place in Bicester for his party. I would have loved to have enjoyed it but, well, I really had tried to cram too much in and only managed to stay an hour before leaving again. The final decision was made by Kevin putting on the Rocky Horror Show and that always does it for me, there just is not room in a house for the two of us.

I have Steve & John visiting tomorrow, will be lovely to see them even though I have totally no idea what we are meant to be doing. I would also like to have visited Martyn to help celebrate his birthday but, well, I think he’s working this weekend anyway or going off to GC, I know that is some time close too!

Sad not to have seen Gary and Tom tonight, I really wanted to give Gary especially a hug this evening because of what he is going through, not nice at all.

It changes but gets no better

The carers started on Monday but arrived half an hour late. They got lost but didn’t think to call as they knew they were in the right area! They did stay a little later to make up the time.

Speaking of the carers, they are driving us mad because they take over. They have Jermaine sitting in the lounge and they sit with him dominating the TV and the main family room so that everyone else feels awkward in there. If we hang around the house we are asked loads of questions, they want to be part of everything that happens here and we just can’t do what we normally would do and it is driving us a bit nuts.

Yesterday I popped over to Robin’s for a while, had a look at his PC and no doubt managed to progress it no further in the direction of righteousness but instead it will probably play up again straight away. It is also possible that Zoey could be allergic to dogs. She was fine before we arrived yet on the way home she appeared to have an awful cold which has gone today ... shall have to take her again to be certain.

Not having anything booked for the remainder of today I may well go to bed for a while as a treat, there is only so much getting out of the house that I can do that is either affordable or healthy!

Spoke to J Heep earlier and she seem to be taking the attitude that I have claimed way too much already in this request for remedial payments to put right what Jermaine has ruined so no doubt her recommendation will be vastly reduced accordingly.

And it goes on

Monday has started as I am sure it will go on with Jermaine being impossible. Each time we have had to change his nappy he has been really violent and difficult. We eventually managed but it takes a toll each time. The nappies are getting played around with too so they are not catching everything and again we have a wet sofa. That will have to be dumped when Jermaine eventually moves out.

We are hoping the carers turn up on time today and don’t take too long to work out what they are doing; we really could do with a break.

You may not know how much Jermaine has changed in the past few years so below are some pictures of him. One is taken today and the other nearly 6 years ago when he was 12 going on 13.

To us, we don’t have Jermaine anymore, what we have is this violent, unpleasant body to work with daily, he gains nothing and neither do we from the experience.

Not a Good Sunday

I had a lay in this morning which was wonderful; my Daisy (12) woke me up as she really just wanted a little attention.

When I got downstairs, Matt and Johnny were playing on the Xbox, having fun and Jermaine was sitting on the sofa. On closer inspection that was not quite right … in fact, most of the sofa wasn’t there, it was laying on its side on the floor because Jermaine had wet it (again). He had wet his bed too; he had shit on his bed whilst we are at it. The shit had got on Matt’s trousers and his socks and generally he had pissed every place he had been so the bedroom, the hallway and the lounge carpets call got sprayed. Now, he was sitting on what was left of the sofa, the only remaining cushion and he had half removed his nappy so he could potentially wee anywhere he wanted again.

Matt tried to change him but Jermaine was just thumping him so I took over. I talked very calmly to him for half an hour and took him into the kitchen and closed the doors working on the basis that at least it was easy to clean in there and others could still get around the house. He started lashing out at me. Eventually I had to call Matt back in and forty minutes after starting to get this nappy on, it was done but not without both Matt and myself getting totally shattered and upset by it all. With all Jermaine’s lashing out he had obviously hit himself somewhere as he was bleeding just a little from his mouth. This is one of the nightmare situations for us as we seem to have to justify every little scrape and knock he has in case we are abusing him, sod that we are regularly abused ‘by’ him, that is just ignored!

He went up to bed and rested and I had Robin here which helped me calm down quite a bit, I sent the kids off down to McDonalds and told them to get whatever made them happy, Matt clearly needed to respite.

We have just finished with dinner and Jermaine refused to eat anything, this after he has had insulin which assumes he will eat something so now we have to monitor him to make sure his sugar levels don’t fall, it’s just so much effort and we gain nothing from it, Jermaine shows no affection at all, seems to get nothing out of the experience of living at home.

Sometimes I am asked how I cope. Well, it isn’t just me, Matt takes a lot of it too and he is just 17 and trying to go through college, he effectively has had very little childhood and it’s all just a little too late now. He gets virtually no support except from me and it’s tough for me at times to remember what his needs are. When I do I feel ever so guilty.

It’s OK for me, I get nice messages, often from people I barely know or don’t know at all and that’s just amazing, it really helps more than those people may know but the kids, Matt, well, he deserves better. Daisy does get some support and I have taken her right out of the loop with regard to Jermaine’s care since he has got so much worse. It was OK when he was responsive but not any more.

Should anyone reading this fancy writing to someone, putting our names forward, particularly the kids for one of these once in a lifetime gifts that some charities offer or a garden make over, a house refit, you know the stuff, well, we wouldn’t object. It’s a bit much that we need to ask that sort of thing but, well, it’s been 18 years so I guess if anyone were going to think of it themselves they would have done so already.

What a wonderment of a weekend

Had a friend over earlier, someone that has one hell of a journey to get here and I really appreciate his visits. He also has really good taste in cars! (We both have the same car)

It’s really good to be able to sit down and chat to someone, I mean, someone that is on the same level, someone I feel understands me and I think I can empathise with him too.

Went for a meal at Brampton Halt, it’s always good in there and this time I discovered for the first time that they have a no smoking area so that as even better. Not sure if you have been there? It’s just outside Chapel Brampton in Northants between the A 5199 and the A 508 and right on the railway line to Lamport where steam trains still run. It’s a lovely little pub and well worth a visit, I can even allow them the occasional sport they have on the new plasma TV they have though it does seem strangely out of place in there. Meals range from £7 – 15 for a main course with a limited but adequate selection of meals.

Visited the Boston Clipper, Northampton’s premier gay pub earlier (I say ‘premier’, that is only because it is Northampton’s ‘only’ gay pub). We left just before 9 and it was still dead then, just a lesbian couple, a few gay guys and some straights.

Spoke to yet another friend later on and had a laugh on Kagoul. He is coming over here from Suffolk next weekend with even yet another friend and it’s just really exciting to have so many new people in my life. It’s like as one book closes, another opens in my life. I am pleased to say that the old book is still being read too so that’s even better.

Hoping for a lay in tomorrow, I mean, one I can wake up from without having to start work straight away.

So much for communication

Spoke to The Care Agency providing support with Jermaine yesterday in a rather long meeting here.

On Monday there was a meeting here between myself, the care manager J Heep and the equivalent from Health L Bullen. We discussed loads but primarily it was to talk about the carers assessments that they had never looked at which Matt and I produced back in July. One of the interesting little details to come out of that was when both of the assessments stated that we were really concerned that nothing was in place for emergencies, a prophecy we had hoped would never come true but did on Black Friday.

Part of those assessments included a care package we needed in the home to help us with Jermaine. It included a couple of hours each morning (vital to prevent another Black Friday) and some time in the evenings and weekends with a lot more during holiday periods. Well, the agency was told 3:45 - 7:00pm only. I have given them the details of the other times we mentioned and they said they can do them no problem but, of course, needed to speak to Social Services.

I have tried contacting SS this morning. J Heep is not in this part of the week so trying J Adams who should have been back at 10:30 but still no reply on her phone, just voicemail and no one else there has any idea what I am on about. This is worrying seeing as I need to know what is happening Monday and, presumably, if I can't contact her then neither can the agency so very little could be happening Monday. The times chosen also show how very little they listen. Had they done so they would know that the mornings are far more important than the evenings seeing as, if he doesn't get to school then I am in the poo. Yet again, failing to make any attempt to prevent what happened on Black Friday.

I have also found out about another care home in Buckingham Called Queen Elizabeth House which, shock of shocks, also offers respite prior to full time admission if required! Why I can find these things yet J Heep can't is beyond me.

What I think we need to do is add an addendum to the complaint regarding social services and then make additional complains about that part of health that Lucy Bullen works for and also those responsible for the POVA and, in particular, H Smart who made that phone call to Daisy. For the record, the one in which she said what a bad parent I was and how she was going to report me to social services and the police, Daisy is 12.

Crikey, it appears that J Adams is providing a fair amount of cow excrement all round this morning!

She said to me that she has agreed the package as follows:

13:00-19:00 Sat - Sun and school holidays and 15:45 - 19:00 weekdays with an extension to 11pm on Thursday and Friday. She said that ‘The agency’ refused to do the morning and 'she thinks' J Heep is looking into sorting out something for the mornings for the week after half term. (Looking into something’ is the most common phrase I hear from social services) I pointed out that the word 'consistency' has been mentioned on numerous occasions and using two agencies goes against that ethos. She claimed again, she has not choice as ‘The agency’ won't do it. I asked if, as they mentioned to me, it was a case of ‘The agency’ possibly demanding at least 4 hours payment as a minimum and she said that there was no way they would approve funding unless the agency was actually working. I suggested that perhaps, in that case, the agency could stay the remaining 2.5 hours and do some housework clearing up after Jermaine, doing the washing, ironing etc. She agreed at first and then said that this was all about the care that Jermaine needed. I pushed her on it and she then said that it was going to be extremely difficult to find another agency to do those hours as they are their busiest times. I mentioned that the mornings were probably the most vital times to fulfil and she kind of did a verbal shrug. I suggested that surely best care for Jermaine is that he be offered consistent care and the care package that was required for him and that they also had a duty to provide us best care so if it meant paying a little more then they should do so, she said they'd never agree funding. In other words, sod best care, save money. I also pointed out that Full Time Residential was going to cost them a minimum of £1300 a week, how much were they saving by this package in the home and did an extra payment for 2.5 hours unused put it over £1300 a week and she kind of gave me the 'don't be ridiculous' grunt.

Later I spoke to George who runs ‘The agency’ and he said (*cover ears*) "What a load of bloody crap!" He said he told her that the morning may be difficult to do because they needed to find the right carers but not impossible and it had nothing to do with money or how much they needed, that was all sorted he said and the money would be pro-rata so all this 4 hours stuff was not a factor, in other words, J Adams was not listening. She also lied to ‘The agency’ by telling them she had no idea what was on Jermaine's file even though I already knew she had the file in front of her when they called her.

It just seems to me that SS are not learning anything, they are still out to save money with their admitted 'most difficult client' and ignoring the needs of the case. Sadly, working the complain route is not going to get anything moving quick enough.

I also asked her why I am finding care homes and J Heep is not and she told me how J Heep is a very highly trained worker but also has many other clients and can't devote her time to just Jermaine. I suggested that as Jermaine is their 'most difficult client' that maybe a full time care manager with equal or superior knowledge would be better suited to it and she said that they 'maybe' already have full case loads. In other words, sure, he needs the best we have but they are busy with less serious cases so let's leave him in the hands of a part timer!

My concern here is not just that Jermaine and us are being screwed but that they will do it all over again the next time a Jermaine comes along. Nothing I have heard or read suggests any change of attitude, what do you think?

Anyway, just spoken to J Adams again and she has approved the level as above, I have asked for additional funding allocation for possibly one overnight care per week to be arranged as required with ‘The agency’ (they are open to the idea) and she said that she has provisionally approved the funding package but will take it to panel Tuesday and they could reject it in which case, all we think we have arranged gets thrown out again.

You know, I really did have other plans than to spend the bulk of today on this, I was really kind of hoping to do other stuff!

Single Again

Today I was woken by Pete visiting which was great, love Pete to bits and I’d get out of bed for him any time of day or night and as it was after 9am I can hardly complain!

He seemed to be OK, as usual, we could hardly think of anything to say but I am glad he visited all the same.

After he left I dealt with Jermaine, changed his nappy and stuff like that, all OK there.

Was reading through Nick’s blog and then Charlie turned up, we had a nice chat for some time. I made drinks and cleared up, put things away etc.

Nick was still in bed until gone midday, when he got up I had to make drinks again and then they were all playing cards in the lounge and I was in the kitchen repairing a leak and it got me to making the decision I have been building to for days, me and Nick are not working together. He’s lovely and I really do like him but as a couple we are not working because I feel that we each of us have too many pressures to be doing the relationship thing now with anyone other than someone that is just about already in the same wavelength as we are, making so many changes as we have had to have made is not healthy or sustainable.

So, sad as it is, I am single again.

Another horrible week over

Spent a nice evening round Nick’s house (Jan’s too). Managed to get the network going, I mean, connection to the broadband on Nick’s PC which I was really chuffed about as I don’t like to think of him not being connected, I know how I would feel!

Jan looked tired by then, the news about her friend Val can’t be helping there, poor Jan. Rich looked knackered too coming to think about it.. good thing they are both having a holiday!

Looked through Nick’s pictures of his US visit and I so want to go, one day I shall and I am really pleased he had a good time, he needed that break too and a chance for him to travel away from me, proof that he doesn’t need me to have a life (which I hope he knows by now anyway!)

Made the decision today to get Jermaine in nappies, it’s the only way we are going to be able to manage here.

Ask for Help - Lose a Child

I was summoned to attend a meeting in town regarding the future of Jermaine, you know, what with me being an unfit parent and all.

There were 9 other people there and just me arguing my case, hardly a balanced field.

The first priority for the chair was to ask the respite centre just how much they were put out by my actions on Friday and as they started to say how very difficult it had all been, how other service users had been affected and staff did extra time I reminded them that perhaps someone being ‘put out’ was not the primary concern of this meeting. Perhaps that should be why nothing was in place when the call for help came in, why no one had so much as considered there should be a fall back plan.

Then the chair brought up the suggestion that Jermaine really would be so much better off as everyone clearly agreed that home was not the best placement and that we could clearly not cope. I reminded her that no one had said any such thing, that what others had said was how difficult Jermaine was, not how anyone else could do better than we have. His class teacher was certainly not helping; I really don’t think she had the slightest notion of the significance of this meeting.

As they insisted on going on about residential care I challenged both health and social services to take responsibility for finding somewhere suitable but neither seemed keen to do so. Amazing how they mention it over and over as the solution to everything yet, when it comes down to actually doing the work, it too finds a way to the back burner.

We spoke briefly about direct payments but the conclusion there was that they were a long term stop gap only, not a solution.

I asked about agency workers to come in and help out at home, it is being ‘looked into’

Jermaine came back this evening but is clearly very wrong. He has changed totally, gone back months if not years. Almost totally incontinent and even more thick than usual, The school called me and just said that I had to get there within the hour to pick him up as they could not deal with him. I had to take Matt out of college to help out, it was all just so wrong.

We have had a good long talk about it and although it is going to cost us heavy financially, we have, OK, I have decided we really cannot keep Jermaine at home any longer, he has to be got out of here and into a suitable placement ASAP.

This is a huge climb down for us but due to the total lack of support there really is no option and the other kids are entitled to a life as well.

Oh, happy birthday mum, you would have been 72 today had you not left me 20 years ago

Fuzz Mind Day

Today was Tony’s funeral and much of it has blurred by. It has all seemed so surreal, like none of it was happening, I didn’t want it to be, and that is for certain.

I was doing fine chatting until we headed off for the church and the vicar had parked his red Volvo out front. I so do not like religion.

Waiting outside many introductions were happening, some by me yet I didn’t really notice them, I was away somewhere else in a place where others didn’t really figure.

The day was wonderful, for October it was amazing.

I sat a little way back from the front of the church, it really didn’t matter when it came to it, I needed to be alone anyway and I have no idea who I was standing next to.

Just about as soon as I got settled the realisation that Tony would soon come in hit me. I tried to stay strong, just for a bit but it was never gonna happen. When they walked by me carrying him, the floodgates opened. I actually didn’t stop crying much throughout though there was a brief period when I stopped to feel real anger toward the vicar for going on about God and Jesus and forgetting this man called Tony that we were really interested in.

I was pleased that I could see Pete, I really love Pete, I would have been the same if this day had been for him, there are some people, some very few people that I am just so close to it hurts. Danny walked with me outside, I am so glad he did, I would not have walked on my own, I’d have stayed on a bench alone. Danny insisted that I joined him in throwing a flower into the grave.

I just am so amazed at how many people there were there getting on so well. It was a shame there was a them and us kind of atmosphere but then, Tony preferred to keep the two sides separate most of the time and I was everso privileged to have been invited along a few times and had the chance to meet Trish and Charles before but sadly none of the rest and it was only bangor that I met today and obviously she had no idea who I was and probably cared less.

Meeting tomorrow at 10am for me to prove I am a safe parent.

Gathering in Castlethorpe

It was lovely to be asked over by Danny this evening and to meet up with Ian & Richard before the funeral. Nice to meet Phil from next door in his gay capacity.

We had nice long chats, Nick got totally rat arsed and can’t remember a thing (probably for the best) and I had to drive home just a tad nervous I would have some serious cleaning up to do.

Message from the Sick Bed

I am still alive and mentally feeling better than I have for a few days though physically not really any better at all.

Of course, thanks to the series of unfortunate events that happened yesterday I now have a much busier week than I had planned trying to prove I am a capable parent.

Nick has been wonderful, totally helped out any way he could. He even coloured Zoey's hair earlier which looks quite good let me tell you.

Black Friday

Black Friday

I have been feeling ill all week and it has been getting progressively worse as the days have gone on.

I left a note for Matt asking him if he didn’t have to rush off to college to get the kids off to school and allow me a lay in. Well, he couldn’t do that, not his fault, he has a life too. When he woke me up it was to tell me that Jermaine had a seizure earlier on and now he was being violent and wouldn’t let Matt clean him up but Matt had to go.

Jermaine was on his bed when I went in, urine everywhere and he had moved the continence sheets so it had gone through the mattress to the bed and floor, the room stank terrible. I was sweating like hell because of the bug I have and had virtually no energy. Still, as one does I got him into the shower which was a terrible struggle, he wouldn’t let me do anything so I was taking it very slowly which was making me dizzy and more weak. I got him back to his room and dried him and put new pants on then looked around for his trousers which I discovered laying in the urine soaked into the carpet. As I found them Jermaine sat down on the bed then lay down, now back to square one again I knew I didn’t have the energy to continue. There was no way it was going to be safe for me to care for Jermaine and myself all day as it was clear he wasn’t going to school. My concerns were that he could turn violent again and I had no fight left in me, he could have a seizure and seriously hurt himself and need moving and, again, I had no energy. On top of that I was having real trouble staying awake and I would need to if he was to be fed and medicated on time and appropriately.


I looked at my options … All my friends were working, Matt was at college and his studies are very important, I don’t have any family locally, not within 150 miles to be exact. The one friend I had that didn’t work I telephoned but he has health issues of his own and had a very important  appointment at the hospital in Milton Keynes that day and, as it was his eyes, knew he would not be able to see that afternoon. So, I was stuck and decided the best course of action as call social services. At first I tried their out of hours emergency number but that guy was worse that useless and just took messages so I had to wait until 9. At 9:15 I spoke to Jackie Adams and explained the situation. Jackie is the boss of Jermaine’s care manager who I couldn’t call because she only works Mon – Weds. I explained everything as I have written it above, and she said she would get something arranged. The hours came and went. I called back occasionally but nothing seemed to be moving forward to offering a service. Jermaine was still upstairs, by mid day I was able to get him up again and dry him off, I couldn’t shower him, I didn’t have the energy.  He was therefore still very smelly. I gave him some breakfast cereal and tested him, his sugar level was normal so I didn’t feel he needed insulin, I also wouldn’t give him any as I couldn’t be sure when his next meal was going to be. By 1pm I was already warning Jackie Adams that if something were not arranged very soon I would have to, for his safety; bring Jermaine to her office thus making her responsible for his care which meant that she really would have to find something. I also stressed that she was a lot more of a capable adult than I was at that time. Rob Hollins started to call around the same time from ‘The Martins’ in Rushden saying that he had a bed but that he wasn’t sure he could get staff. On each occasion we spoke I reminded him that their failure to have an emergency contingency plan was ridiculous. But then, I had been saying for months, what if I needed support in a hurry, what can you do with such a complex case and no one at either health or social services took me seriously. There are some things that just have to be covered for else they are not offering best care to their clients. To elaborate on that, I am ill and that is serious enough but what if I had been taken to hospital or worse yet, suddenly died, with nothing in place Jermaine would be at extreme risk. The situation continued and by 3pm I was fading rapidly, I knew if I were to have the energy to get him anywhere it had to be now. I spoke with Jackie and Rob and the situation had not changed. I told Jackie that I was on my way down to Campbell House, I was very sorry, it was not my first choice or anywhere close but I had to do what I considered to be right to ensure Jermaine was safe. Rob had reminded me that I was his parent in that way that people do when they are trying to make someone feel guilty and both Rob and Jackie were telling me how inappropriate my actions were, neither seeming to listen to me when I mentioned all the things above and that I was doing for Jermaine. The insinuation was that I was actually just doing it to make a point, something I consider to be a totally sick suggestion. It also proves how little they know me.

I spoke to Jermaine before we left, gave him a huge hug and cried a bit and then drove him into town. I introduced myself and then spoke with Jermaine again. I don’t imagine it made him feel any better or worse that I spoke to him but I have to try, he has the right to at least have it tried to be explain to him what is happening and why.

Rob and Jackie turned up in reception and both, like a pair of rehearsed twins were telling me how inappropriate this all was. Jackie had stopped calling me Steve and was back to Mr Williams, very significant I thought. Rob said he wanted me to wait another hour. He didn’t say ‘or so’ just to wait one hour, take Jermaine home and then someone will pick him up. I considered what he said, I went through the scenarios. What if Jermaine had another seizure in that time, what if he turned violent, what if he started to get all distressed about it, after all, I had already explained what was happening and changing that now would have been really confusing. Add to those things that I have no reason to trust these people to mean what they say. I know I have had little dealings with health but I have had years of experience of social services and know with them that an hour could well have meant half a day or more. All in I decided to not take the chance. There were two capable adults here able to care for Jermaine both of whom would have been police checked. He had all his medication with him and both were able to call upon the provision of nursing if required, after all, if they couldn’t, who could right? I was convinced that Jermaine was now safe, way more safe than he could have been at home with me as I my health is currently.

Very soon after getting home I went to bed, I had no energy left and Daisy was home as was Zoey, both are capable of being on their own for short periods and I was in the house should they need to get me.

During the time from Daisy getting home (about 3:40 and me getting back at 4:05pm) someone from ’The Martins’ called, someone Scottish called Helen.. She told Daisy, Daisy is 12 remember, that it was very irresponsible and inappropriate what Daddy had done and so she had contacted social services and the police about it so I may expect a visit later. How scary can that be being told to a 12 year old?

There was a message also to call The Martins which I did. I was told again how irresponsible I was, now inappropriate it was etc by Rob who told me the troubles he had getting Jermaine into his car. He also mentioned that he would have to speak to others to decide if home was a fit placement for Jermaine, the man effectively told me I was an unfit parent and that Jermaine should be taken into care!

Later on, this Helen and a colleague arrived on the doorstep. They were greeted by Nick. They asked him who he was and why he couldn’t have taken over care of Jermaine? I mean, I have known Nick for just a month, no one could expect a boyfriend to be doing that sort of thing so soon. The door bell had woken me so I dressed and went to see who it was. When I got down the stairs, and I just sat on the stairs, they started having digs at me about how this I was and how that it was. They were also telling me how annoying it was them having to have rushed around so much trying to get things arranged and how unfair it was that they and Rob had to stay behind late to make arrangements, how they were entitled to more notice, how irresponsible I was being. I pointed out to Helen that speaking as she did to Daisy was not too clever either and she just shrugged and said she was just doing her job. She then tried to compare her situation with her child to mine saying how no caring parent would leave their child with strangers. I pointed out that she had no idea what she would have done in my situation because she isn’t and thankfully never will be in the situation of living alone with no family nearby, no support network, 4 children, one severally mentally handicapped and another moderately, that how she would react with her one normal child just didn’t compare. I mentioned that telling a parent when they were as ill and in need of support as I was that they may lose their child was just so wrong. She asked how it made me feel when Rob told me that. I said, how would you feel if you were ill and asked your mother to look after your child and she then told you that you may not get her back again? She smiled, thought it amusing. I think in that way that people do when the penny has finally dropped but I can’t be sure.

They made it clear to me anyway that, and they didn’t hide or attempt to hide this well, that I could not have Jermaine back until I had proven I was a fit parent and had learnt not to be so irresponsible again. They want to try and get a meeting arranged before next Weds. They also tried to make out that I clearly couldn’t cope as I had asked for help already for next week so clearly I wasn’t coping very well. I realised what they were on about and said that what I had asked for was a three hour cover for Next Monday to enable me to go to Tony’s, one of my closest friends, funeral. I went on to tell them that this sort of cover had already been theoretically approved, it was just a matter of getting it arranged which was taking the time. There should, in fact, be someone coming in regularly to help out.Helen said I was wrong to leave Jermaine in the care of Health so I pointed out that actually I had not, I had left him with Jackie Adams from Social Services. Helen then said that Jackie had walked away and left Rob on his own soon after I left playing no further part.


All in all, a horrible day and no, I don’t feel any better, I may actually still be getting worse.

Judgements impaired

I have to be honest and say that this posting is about how I am feeling and doesn’t contain anything that I would want to have to either prove or justify. Sometimes feelings are so strong and others make an impact on them that they don’t need to be justified.

Tony is dead, I can’t change that or, really, just about anything else just now and that isn’t a good feeling.

To me Tony was really special and I spent a hell of a lot of time with him, I considered that I was a special friend to him, one he valued on many different levels. It is hurting me like crazy right now that I feel excluded from the sympathy that is pouring in. I mean, it is being targeted well but, well, it is the first time I have ever thought of myself as ‘and all Tony’s other friends’. It really hurts to be clumped like that. I know others miss him too but I also know Tony valued me, was there for me and I for him during some difficult times, some really painful times for the both of us, well, it just doesn’t feel right. Actually, to be fair, I do have Dave who called me and Rich and I really appreciated Pete breaking the news to me and obviously Robin as always there for me … oh, it’s just messy and there is sod all I can do about it. Each time I read a message saying, ‘all my love to Pete and to Danny’ and I am thinking, OK, thanks, that hurts. I love both Pete and Danny and Danny has been a star because he could. If I didn’t have commitments I couldn’t drop I would have been there for Tony like a shot. Oh fuck, I am screwing this up but it has to be said in print and I guess, well, maybe if someone reads it they will understand it, see it is just me hurting.

Things are also not well at home. Zoey is off all this week with her school so I am going to miss her and Jermaine is back again after a month and I am not sure I am going to cope with that. I am going to have to try and find some way of getting Jermaine looked after next Monday so I can go to the funeral, begging again. Matt has said he will try and get time of college but he has already had some days off and it just isn’t fair.

Nick and I are having problems. I hope we can sort them but it is tough. I just spent an age trying to make adjustments and understandings for the previous Nick and that is no more a complaint about him that it is the current Nick. Joining this family is tough, it would be mad for anyone worse yet for someone who has no experience of kids and the responsibility that goes with it.

Earlier on … well, today was meant to be one where by this afternoon we would be resting and enjoying a nice meal that Nick cooked for us. It seemed all too familiar when I was being blamed for forgetting some ingredients, I am just so used to being the bad guy that has to be at fault for everyone else’s mistakes. Then I was doing way more driving that I had bargained for. It’s becoming all too apparent that Nick being of a student mind and with many much younger friends is causing issues. He is used to getting pissed regularly, smoking and generally being irresponsible (as students should be) and I really don’t enjoy getting pissed, hate smoking and have responsibilities whether I like it or not.

Having someone this evening for the second time go behind my back (could be coincidence, could be knowing how much I would disapprove) and get Nick to take him out whilst I was feeling ill in bed and Nick was meant to be cooking dinner, was just so low. I mean, if that person had brought those drugs into this house they just need to know how not on that is. I have kids here, kids of an impressionable age and they were lied to, told they were going out to buy wine (of which we have by the gallon here) when they were really out to go buy drugs for this ‘friend’. My head is just spinning when I am being told I need to allow time for Nick to make adjustments, he can’t just change overnight; it’s the life he is used to. Well, maybe, but then I can’t just make adjustments to finding out my boyfriend is visiting drug dealers instead of doing what he promised to do. I actually do love him but we have such a way to go still and I am not sure I am strong enough to make that sort of effort. I really don’t need to have yet another kid in this house that does not take responsibility for themselves. The washing up was meant to be done this evening but it wasn’t. Nick was tired so went to bed; I was tired but did the washing up anyway as it needed to be done. I still need to get a bag packed for Zoey and I just don’t have the time … I will find time in the morning. I also have to see the doctor tomorrow which I am convinced will be a waste of time and then I have a really heavy session with my advocate ahead of yet another meeting with social services this week..

I have just noticed I have the address of a drug dealer written on my notepad. In fact, looking at my desk it is near impossible to see my own stuff as it is a tip with papers everywhere. This is so not helping my stress levels.

Hopefully my next posting will be one where I retract most of what I have written or at least more upbeat … in a nutshell, I am not ecstatically happy like perhaps I should be with a new boyfriend … but then, losing my best friend is not helping. I need some serious looking after and it isn’t happening.