Sorry

I have seen friends online and meant to call people but I can't talk about Tony yet I am just a mess ... how on earth is Pete coping? I feel so pathetic feeling like this when Pete must be going through hell, sorry all and especially Pete.

For the record, Tony, one of my dearest friends, died today. I owe him so much, I hope he had just some idea of how much he meant to me.

Kagoul Meeting in London

What a fascinating weekend!

I had the chance to meet 11 guys I had not already met and it was great to put bodies to profiles.

First thing I met Rich at Northampton station and we travelled down together going first to Paddington to drop off my bag where the guy at the desk seemed to be half asleep. After that I screwed up and got us to Westminster when I should have gone to Blackfriars to get to Tate Modern. That place is just so boring! Though, it may be boring but the company made it a laugh so not complaining.

Not everyone had met up at Tate Modern, there were still a few to join us. Martyn met us at a nearby pub and we then walked the river to attempt the London Eye but the queues were huge so we skipped it. Across Westminster Bridge and on the train(s) to Soho where we had lunch. The service was awful and I think we did really well to allow them their 10% service charge.

Back across to the South Bank to the Aquarium where we spent some time with the fishes, some of us more than others!

From here back to the north side and the Trocadero where my only experience of the place was the toilet for which I would have paid way over 20p for by this time! Off from the Troc and back into Soho for drinks at the Duke of Wellington where good fun was had by all.

Overnight Martyn and me stayed at a hotel in Paddington in what was probably the smallest twin room I have yet been in beaten only by a cabin on a ferry and then only just! Home today at around 2:30 having left the hotel at shortly before 11am. This is why I don’t use public transport!

Nick came round about 5pm and we had a wonderful few hours together watching Bill Bailey then we said our goodbye on the doorstop in view of some chavs and that was just about what I did this weekend!

Bulk update

Monday, yes, I know today is Thursday but I have just not been in a blogging kind of mood.

Meeting at Hargrave House in Rushden where Jermaine is currently staying to be assessed.

I was hoping that the point of this assessment was to move things along, to more easily and confidently define what could and could not be done with Jermaine and which some sort on intervention should occur regardless of his wishes. Sadly, it doesn’t look like that is the case at all. It appears that this is really more of a ‘get to know you’ session so that health can know more about him before he goes into short term care.

It appears that they have made a bit of a cock up too by not taking down notes for the first couple of weeks so what they have now is undocumented reports from several different people that are not really of much use to anyone.

Social Services, it would seem, would rather just pull out now that they feel health is taking over. Apparently inter-agency working is not yet a reality but they hope at some point in the future it will be, like I can just hang around for a few years waiting!

Generally there was only one positive to come from this meeting. I do now know at least two lots of respite dates of a week each. Not brilliant but better than nothing.

The rest of this week I have not really done much. Some major cleaning here and there but nothing too significant.

Last night Paul called from a phone box and asked me to call him back when he got home which I did some 1:45 later. He sounded pissed in the background and was really abusive to his mother, I was not impressed. On the phone previously he had told me that he was really missing me.

He never did come to the phone last night or call me back and I think this may be a good thing. To be honest, he scares me quite a bit as he is totally not in control of his life and drinks way too much.

This morning he called again and spoke to Daisy. She thought he was just being a twat when he kept insisting to her like she was some sort of idiot that I had to call him back. Needless to say I didn’t and nor do I plan on doing so or answering his calls. What I am going to is send him a letter explaining that he really has to get real and stop with all this fantasy shit about being in love with me and missing me. He can’t possibly be either. I am in no position to so much as entertain the concept and neither do I want to be, I am happy with Nick now and that’s my way forward.

Paul

I have known Paul most of my life, since we were both around 5 years of age so that is a long time.

He was always way down there at school in the ‘way to thick to be useful’ category and left with no qualifications at all and has been working in the same pub doing the same job most of his life.

Well, he wanted to stay here again yesterday and though he stayed here before I had not realised the nocturnal problem he posed. Last time we went to bed quite late, me in my bed and him on the z-bed. I must have gone to sleep very quickly and heavily, well, I was ill do I guess that is possible. This time was different. He was pissed for starters, he has panic attacks and doesn’t believe in medication, he’d rather do booze to resolve all problems. Well, we got back and went to bed eventually at around 11pm or so. I was feeling quite tired so was glad to hit the sack. I was actually so tired I decided not to bother with the z-bed this time but share my (single) bed. Oh dear, that was a mistake! He kept me up for hours with his stupid talking and laughing. I couldn’t hear most of it with my hearing aids out but he just went on and on. He is also bisexual so was touching me up a lot (and getting nowhere) but also having fun himself and cumming about three times I seem to recall. Not exactly the kind of social interaction I am used to on an uninvited basis. My patience ran out around 4am when I sent him firmly down to the lounge to do what he needed to do on the sofa and I got some sleep!

We had met Sian, Callum and Nick (eyes go dreamy) at the Boston Clipper earlier yesterday evening and I was too embarrassed by the way Paul behaves to go with them to Molly’s and I really wanted to … OK, I really wanted to spend whatever time I could with Nick. He’s going on holiday next week and I am going to miss him terribly. We keep saying we ‘care’ for each other. My logical mind says we cannot be in love but my heart is telling me that’s bollox so I don’t know what to think just now other than I miss him when he isn’t here.

Paul left at 2:25 and boy what a relief!

Memo to self … if Paul asks to visit again, I am busy

A day together

Took Nick to meet Robin and then we went into MK. Poor Nick was irritable as hell through trying to give up cigarettes. Had a nice meal at Frankie & Benny’s though and a good chat.

I am a Collector

Met Nick and spent some time with him and Nadine and Callum before we drove to Luton to pick up Danny and Dan.

Made very good time and arrived just 5 minutes before the guys did though poor Nick was desperate for a pee on the way back.

Met Tony back in Castlethorpe and he didn’t seem so bad, I just don’t ever want to leave him when I visit but I know that’s stupid.

Danny told me later how much he liked Nick … this is not a shock, I do too!

Tired and Sad

It was a good weekend with the guys and I was sad to leave but I needed to at some point and I was feeling real tired so staying longer would not have been sensible. I was so tired that I don’t think I said a proper goodbye and thanks to Gary as I intended to, I am such an idiot at times.

After dropping Gary off I drove past Tony’s place. I was thinking I could stop but then, I didn’t know what he was doing. I had not called first as I promise I will and, to be honest, I was too tired to be in control of myself and I doubt Tony needs a blubbering mess visiting him.

Soon after I got back I was bombarded by Daisy being a little moo. She had been one all weekend and Matt had rightly grounded her. Actually, had she been more honest with me she would have just been stuck with one week grounded. As it happened, she now has two. It was great to be home to the arguments and the screaming, a wake up call.

I decided to call Tony, I couldn’t keep going not having spoken to him and I am so glad I did. He sounds awful, I mean, really bad. I cried myself silly when I got off the phone but am glad I didn’t make another excuse not to call. There will be plenty of time not to be able to speak to him; I don’t want to waste any chance I get now.

Called Pete once I had calmed down just to offer him love and support, I really just want to so hug him and not let him go.

Nick called later and asked me to visit tomorrow and said that maybe he could come to the airport with me to pick up Danny & Dan, I hope so but it is late. Tony asked me to go wake him when we got back so he can see me.

Clacton – Colchester – Relaxing

I really appreciated Gary and Tom asking me over to Gary’s place in Clacton and both of them are really nice guys, well suited to each other and both good at conversation. I was a little worried about the car journey with Tom yesterday but needn’t have, we talked about everything and nothing most of the way there and it made the trip a lot quicker than it would had we sat there saying nothing.

Strange really, Tom spent such a long time totally ignoring me when we first met like I was a different species yet, here we are, friends, it’s kind of nice.

We took a drive into Colchester. Now, I lived in Essex for over 30 years yet never went there. The closest I got was a school trip I was really looking forward to which would have been something like my 12 or 13 birthday. I got sick on the way to school and spent the day in bed instead … I had some of the most fun birthdays as a kid which I like to thick I have carried into adult hood.

Anyway, this is the first time I have been to Colchester and it is really not a bad town. Loads of varied stores and not just chain store hell like most places are. I had a Cornish Pasty that seemed anything but Cornish to me but nice all the same. As it happens, we didn’t get what we went there to get so headed back off to Clacton where Gary was finally able to buy a filter coffee maker then back to the house for the long awaited coffee.

In the evening Gary and I went for a walk into the town. It is chav city, Adidas hell and nothing like I remembered it. True, what I remembered wasn’t brilliant but I do recall how the building were always smart and looked after whereas now they are just rubbish and falling apart.

When we got to the pier I got a little emotional. I looked to my right and the memories of all those holidays as a kid flooded back and my mum was there and it was warm and safe and the tears were flowing. It was short lived but really nice for a while. Sure, it’s upsetting but also comforting to remember someone so vividly like that.

Later we found ourselves in Pizza Hut. I wasn’t really hungry and seem to have spent way too much time recently over eating but it was nice to be with Gary and Tom just chilling out.

Drayton Manor - and stuff

I was dead pleased when Nick said he wanted to go along to Drayton manor with Matt and me. A chance to get to know each other a lot better.

Memo to self: Sleep the night before going on long journeys.

We were supposed to be meeting Tom and Leigh from Out! But, well, I figured we could have a lot of fun on our own for a few hours and then meet up later and that’s what we did. I feel really comfortable with Nick and, bless him, he was already suffering after giving up the fags.

We met Tom and Leigh later on, probably around 3pm and had a good rest of the day there with them.

Annoyingly I got a call from other Tom, that is, Tom and Gary saying that my weekend with them was meant to be starting that evening. I had so not figured that one into my plans in any way. I was already feeling really tired and so didn’t need to have loads more miles to do when I got home. Thing is, I didn’t think to ask what day I was meant to be there so it would have been mean to say no.

I guess we got back to Northampton sometime around 6:30 and I was off on the road again by 8pm. We arrived in Clacton soon after 10pm.

Oh boy, big step

I, we have decided to be dating and it is just so exciting but also, not a little bit scary as well.

Me and Nick have barely met yet here we are, boyfriends.

I have my concerns, I’d be stupid not to but really, I just want to go with the flow and see what happens. True, there is an age gap, true, Nick’s work patterns can only get worse, true, all manner of things could add pressure to our relationship but sometimes it’s worth that, sometimes having something to work through together can really help.

Met some of his college mates earlier. Nick seemed worried that I wouldn’t like them, that I would feel out of place. I really did like them and that crazy pub where I was the oldest guy there was really quite cool.

Today is the last day of Nick smoking before he wants to try and give up tomorrow. I really want him to but that can’t be the reason that he does, it would add too much pressure onto our relationship if he associates me with the pain he is going to go through to quit the weed

I am very tired for some reason

No, I can’t think why, not at all, I am a good boy I am.

Visited Robin earlier and failed to sort out his PC and now his scanner doesn’t seem to work either but I was really too tired to concentrate properly so I gave up and went home.

A lazy afternoon at home and now waiting for my man from last night to show up here … waiting like a silly school boy may be more accurate but waiting all the same!

I have some reservations, things like … am I ready for a relationship? Will he give up smoking because that just so has to happen if we get into a relationship and … OK, I can’t think of any more so I guess that has to be good right?

Am starting to get very booked up which is great but also difficult as I don’t like being vague or saying no to anyone which is what I am being right now. I need to get on top of that one and pin some people down to times and dates!

A date, a very important date, no time to say hello goodbye ….

Yes, today I had a date … Ok, this is a total fake because I am actually posting it on Tuesday not Monday seeing as I got him at stupidly late O’clock this morning after said date!

But, before all that … took Jermaine to the hospital for the start of his assessment. He was clearly not happy about being there but this has to happen, he will just have to put up with it because I cannot carry on without some sort of documented proof I know what I am talking about!

But, back to date …

He’s lovely, about my height, blue eyes, kinda blonde hair. He’s funny and intelligent and considerate and … OK, I like him right!

I am not saying anymore because it is private

I am too polite, way too polite!

I had the ex in laws here today. 1pm they said they would be here so I had dinner ready for then. They arrived at 1:40 having got a little delayed en route which is fine but they also insist on not having mobile phones and, even though they stopped off at a service station, it never crossed their minds to call!

It gets worse … ex mother-in-law spends some time looking at Jermaine and says:

“He don’t look right mate, I reckon give it another year and he won’t be with us”

What do you say to that? Actually, I could think of several things but somehow decided none of them were suitable! OK, lots of them were suitable but I didn’t want to go there.

Later she starts telling me how one day Jermaine is going to seriously hurt someone and there is no way we could be expected to cope, no one could (mate). She said:

“Why on earth do you want to delay him going into full time care? You would never forgive yourself if someone got seriously hurt by him and it could just be the best thing for you all”

OK, that was enough for me really so I said:

“He is my son, I don’t care if he is 2 or 18 he is my son and I love him and will do what is best for him. I am not the sort of person that says that he is 18 now so no longer my problem, he will always be my problem. I am quite capable of making sure the others are safe and it ain’t easy but we do cope, with very little help we cope. I am going to be the one that decides when the time is right and I am the one that knows what is best for MY family. You hardly ever see him, you seem to sometimes forget who he is.”

She did a short apology and then shut up about it until the next time.

Boy I wonder why I put up with this sort of thing at times.

Saturday so it must be Pete

Pete visited today

I was nervous, well, a little as it was the first time of meeting but I needn’t have been. He is a lovely guy, certainly doesn’t look what ever age he said that he was which I can’t even remember! There you go see, no concept of ageism here, I can’t have if I have no idea how old someone is and care even less.

Matt was a little too intrusive about the visit I thought but Pete was fine with it.

We had a really long walk through the firs which Pete enjoyed, went to Frankie and Benny’s for dinner and then came back home for a chat and I played my keyboard for Pete and probably for way too long and bored him silly, hope not!

I reckon we shall meet again at some point.

I know someone else called Dan and he seems to fancy me too .. boy how these things all happen at once!

Final day of my break

Didn’t want to go back home today, I came over all shy and stupid about asking Nick (yes, another one but this one was Jermaine’s carer for a few hours) to go out on a date, totally dumb and really unlike me!

As I left, Steve called me. I have not met him as yet but he was as horny as hell and wanted to do phone sex, it killed a few minutes but I was in the car at the time so did nothing for me sadly!

Visited Danny and Dan over at Tony’s place, both are fine. As usual Danny forgot he had invited me over for lunch so I politely mentioned I said I would pop into Robin’s which I did and he did me some lunch over there.

There is news about Tony but I am not going to get my hopes up until I am sure it is good news.

Matt has been a star and talked to Nick whilst I was out and given him my email address and he left his behind and I got all excited and silly and managed to speak to him later on in the day and we arranged a date.

Of course, I have no idea where this is going. We may find we have nothing in common and cannot stand each other but we have to try at least.

Have also been speaking to Pete, a really, really nice guy and he has agreed to visit tomorrow. It is just so nice for a guy to visit here the first time we meet knowing there will be kids here, makes a very pleasant change.

Second day of my limited freedom

Carers back today so I took myself off to see the ‘Fantastic Four’ at the cinema, bough a box of popcorn (which cost more than the movie) and had a very enjoyable couple of hours.

I have issues with one of the carers, I fancy the guy, difficult one … can get over it with some negotiation I believe, I mean, they are not Jermaine’s carers after Friday so from then on, no ethical issues.

I met Matt at the station which shocked him as he didn’t expect me there and we went for a McDonalds.

In the evening I visited my ex, Nick and we moaned about Stargate and other nothing subjects which was just fine, nice to have some company.