First week in GC

This is just a summary of the first week as each day would seem to dull to write individually.

We got in the habit of playing crazy golf and enjoying it each out to improve upon our own best … I was naturally far superior to Matt (that’ll change so I shall indulge for now). Zoey was also improving but had something that doesn’t quite justify the word ‘style’. Daisy was quite good too, in fact, held on to a better average than Matt for some time. All three of them had more holes in one than I did (Grrr).

We enjoyed the delights of Merlin’s restaurant quite often as we did the Miramar in the Yumbo Centre.

We walked in the dark across the dunes in order for me to get rid of my fear of the place after being mugged there last year … probably a dumb thing to do but seemed right at the time. Swam in the pool a lot, played pool a little with a little air hockey too.

Some time toward the start of that week I developed what I couldn’t decide whether it be a growth or a mouth ulcer. I treated as an ulcer and made do though eating was very painful.

The Barbados Apartments are cheap and it shows. To be fair, they were OK for what they were but what they were wasn’t much. Slightly larger than the Tenesor that I had used before but no better equipped. In fact, probably less so. There was no way of sitting more than 2 out on the balcony and, for an apartment designed for 5 I found that just a little stupid. More stupid yet was the fact that the balcony doors couldn’t not be secured in any way. I believed they were for a few days until I accidentally lent on them and they opened. I tested them a few more times and was amazed at just how easy it was to get in. Even Daisy was able to ‘break in’. Also quite annoying was that the safe was downstairs and downstairs at the Barbados mean the basement so if I wanted to get some cash to go to the pool this is what I had to do.

Walk a corridor to one of the glass elevators which were so basic they couldn’t hold a memory. More than one floor was selected and all others were erased at the first stop! So, in this thing and down to the basement dressed in my trunks with a draped towel. I would get some money then have to go up to the first floor in the glass elevator after waiting for 10 seconds after the doors closed before it moved (we counted, it was very consistent). Up to the 1st floor, along the corridor to the stairs then down to the ground floor and out to the pool which actually sat just behind reception!

Off to respite

I was due to go to Cambridge for the Pink Punting event arranged by Tony but it really didn’t seem fair to be doing that and leaving Matt in charge of getting Jermaine off to respite. Pete called anyway to say that they had done me the favour of not picking me up as the weather looked total rubbish, which, in the event, it was.

Sure enough, when the time came to get Jermaine off to respite he was in no mood to be going anywhere. He did his worst kind of strop but somehow we managed to avoid his kicks and punches and get him in the car. Soon after that, one of the carers from Eleanor Lodge closed the boot lid on my head which hurt like hell, I guess I was not being as alert as I thought I was!

Weird Contacts

Yesterday I got an MSN message from someone I found to be most attractive but had been so long since he last spoke to me I didn’t know who he was and then he logged off.

Today I get a call from a private number on my mobile from a guy that knew my name but not a lot else about me it would seem. Before I had a chance to work out who that was the call ended and I still have no idea who it was … call back, identify yourself please!

Earlier I coloured Matt’s hair which was a challenge because of the end result he was after. I had to lighten it to near blonde then colour it purple then use a highlighter cap and low light it black! Then there was a mad dash to the hospital to get some more hearing aid batteries and tubing which was no problem and across the other side of the building to pick up a prescription for Jermaine.

We followed this with a trip to McDonalds for lunch, on to the doctors to get yet more prescriptions that they had lost so had to redo. Onto pharmacy to pick them all up and home again.

When I got home I needed to cut and thin out Matt’s hair and, as I speak, Daisy is having her hair highlighted by Matt, I do hope I don’t have to do a repair job on it!

Everyone Assumes

Yes, they do … it would appear that I am such a strong person that everyone assumes that things are OK. Cancelling things I was looking forward to for example.

In the past few weeks three things I was really looking forward to were snatched away from me and not one of them because something changed. Each of them was just because the ‘friend’ changed their mind. Because I am ‘so strong’ I can just ‘understand’, it will ‘bounce off’ me.

Well these things don’t. It is true, I am a strong person but I am not unbreakable. My feelings are really hurt and I am screaming inside for someone to care but, of course, on the outside I am fine, I am coping so no one really, no one except the occasional very special person really notices. They don’t notice because they either can’t be bothered to look or just don’t think of looking. Either is the same and true friends would look, would notice. I mean, come on, looking at this from the outside … I am a gay guy with 4 kids, one is very mentally handicapped and stops us going out as a family unless it is one of the 70 allocated respite days. I am single. No one comes in to help out, no family supports me, and no one calls to ask if they can take over for a while. Effectively, this family is on our own. We muddle through but the tensions on all of us and especially me and Matt are incredible. I, with support from Matt, have had to fight really and I mean really hard for every service we have and even now it is being spoken that some will be taken away again just when we were on the edge of getting somewhere. If it gets as bad as I suspect it will, we will be told by the end of this year that the respite will never go above one week at a time that week will never be more than once a month and that week will be chosen for us if available. Then, next year Jermaine leaves school in July and nothing is in place, nothing at all which will mean him at home 24/7. But even then, it will appear I am coping, no one will care enough to ask because asking may make for some awkward conversations, might involve really putting themselves out and well, they are sure I would understand, you know how it is.

So, should I bother agreeing to go anywhere any more? The simple truth is, I am having to balance up the hurt against the possible gain and am coming to the conclusion that many of my friends are unreliable, have no idea when they are doing some serious damage to me and so I best not got there. I mean, still meet them somewhere possibly or go to their house for an hour or so but I don’t really feel I can rely on them for more than that because they see nothing wrong in taking away what they have given, it just hurts too much.

Another example of why it is I am not a happy bunny just now. For many years I ferried folks back and forth to Cambridge for the punting trips, sometimes more than once. But now I don’t have the big car, did any one of those place me on the priority list for picking up? Of course not, one of them had to be virtually told to do it. This is the nature of those I thought of as my real friends once.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends I am sure I can rely on and I hope they know who they are, it is probably on two guys though if I am honest, two that have never hurt me, OK, one did when he tried to kill himself, that really hurt but apart from that, they are there when I need them and genuinely seem to care and I love them and value them for that. The others, well, most, if not all, have hurt me with words or deeds in the past yet they wouldn’t know and I guess that is the crux of it, a real friend would know.

This sounds really negative and I don’t want it to but then, this is the point of my blog, to write down how I am feeling, get it or try to get it out of my system, and just lately it is not being entirely successful.

Midweek Blues

The weekend was as I expected it would be, too much time being a dad, no time for myself really.

On Monday I had to go look at a care home in Rushdon. It is a respite centre run by the health department rather than social services. It appears that this is even worse of an offer than those that social services have previously offered. Probably one week a month after assessment which could take up to 6 months, possibly more than that but they wouldn’t like to say but, if I accepted it, I would have to drop what social services are offering. The only advantage is that the health service centres are free whereas the social ones incur a cost of £7 a night.

Yesterday Robin and I went to Calais, France for the day which was most enjoyable but really tiring.

Today I have been rebuilding 4 PC’s to get them properly operational. It is really too hot to be doing that sort of work in a confined space and, the worst aspect of it is, the money I was given to cover the costs has been swallowed up by Matt using the house phone against my instructions and costing me a small fortune so, effectively, I am working for quite a loss here.

Jermaine is in a stress and has been having too many seizures recently.

Yet again I don’t have anything planned for either this Thursday or the weekend.

Another weekend, nothing planned

I am getting somewhat disillusioned with the net and my ability to find new soul mates upon it. Logically there are guys there for the finding but I just don’t seem to be pressing the right buttons just now.

My theory? It’s me, I really just want to be going down that route of cum and go as is commonplace. I guess I am a relationship kind of guy. There are a multitude of problems here that I need to talk to someone that will let it wash over them or offer to help out when they can. I know my friends will do that but it’s not the same as having a special someone. That and it is nice to hear regularly of the normal outside world beyond these four walls that I have been trapped behind for so long.

Now, I so need to get away and stay over at a friends house now and then but, and here is the bit that makes perfect sense to me but maybe only me, I want to be invited. Sure I can just call and say I am bored and I want to come over and they may say yes but that is not the same as them wanting me to be there. I need, right now, to be wanted as a friend and not just have guys feel sorry for me.

Of course I know there is Robin, he’s lovely, love him to bits but I need to have other friends. With Robin and I, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, it feels like two lost souls looking out for each other because no other bugger can be arsed. It’s great to have someone like that but not the same as guys that genuinely think to themselves, when they have a choice of what to do, let’s ask Steve over for the weekend.

Yesterday I was debating whether or not I was depressed and, totally honestly, no, I’m not. I am very lonely but that isn’t the same thing at all. Being a single parent and a single gay parent is really tough. I don’t know other straight parents and I don’t know of any gay guys right now that really want to get to know a gay dad. The thought of that persisting for another decade or so I can see is something that well and truly could lead me to depression big time.

Right now, I don’t think I can resolve this feeling, it is something that needs to come from outside, so, until then, I shall keep plodding along trying to spread my little bit of cheeriness to others.

July 7

Somehow 7/7 doesn’t quite have the ring to it that 9/11 did but all the same, cowardly terrorists calmly attacked innocent civilians in London this morning and reeked havoc on the cities transport system and on our future tourism.

What did they achieve by these attacks? Well, nothing of course, how could they? London and the UK survived 5 years of killings during the Second World War and still we prevailed and fought off our enemies. So, some crack pots fighting in the name of their own version of religion believe that a few bombs in our capital are going to change anything in this country of ours?

These people are cowards and bullies, they deserve no sympathy or any attempt at understanding.

I could not help but notice just how quiet the net has been today. Hardly anyone seemed to be about, today is not a day for triviality I think.

Midweek report

Please don’t be offended Steve

I am cancelling my visit up to you next week.

This is tough to say and even though yours are lovely, I really don’t get on well with kids and prefer to be in company of friends with no kids milling about so I can relax properly.

Well, that was in my mailbox this evening and I can’t say I am shocked, that wouldn’t be true because I have had messages like this before. It always hurts because it rams home the difficulties I face with forming any sort of relationships with guys. For the foreseeable future I shall have kids here, this is not yet just ‘my’ home so, to an extent, it is love me, accept my kids and along the way, I lose several friends and potential partners but it’s totally out of my control.

I was asked earlier on today by my first ever boyfriend how I had felt when he just disappeared on me after us being together for a couple of years. I told him that had he not gone when he did I would not have met the woman I married and would not have had the kids and would probably have stayed with him as long as I could. The thing is, I was young and in love and when we are like that, that is all that matters. He knows I will always love him, I guess feelings like that just don’t go away. I am not sure about fancying him now, honey, you need to lose some weight and give up the ciggies before that could happen but, deep down the guy I loved is still there and so is the love.

This week has not really been a good one for me. I have not felt 100% all week and, to top that off, hardly any of the new contacts I have made have come to anything, I have had to do all the running and it seems fruitlessly. So, I think it is a case of coast until after I get back from Gran Canaria and then try again, see who else is out there.

On the plus side, there are some guys I am talking to that are making me very happy right now just they live so far away so actually meeting them is problematic. There are some guys closer to home but it is going to take quite some time of chatting I think before I can start thinking about meeting them. So, for now, I am at a loss of places to go, people to meet but then, I still don’t feel quite right so maybe that is good timing!

Interesting weekend

OK, not that interesting but these title thingies are getting tedious trying to think of new ones.

Well, suffice to say that Matt and I did sort out our differences, we normally do.

I really feel this weather that is all over the place is not helping the mood of anyone and add into that we have not had a break from Jermaine in over a month and it is no great shock we are getting stressed.

Just now I am feeling a little peeved that guys I thought I was getting along with have just stopped contacting me or only contact me when it suits them and then don’t really say much. This idea of mine to make new friends really isn’t getting off the ground.

There are also quite a few guys just chatting to me aimlessly never really saying what it is they are after and I am finding all that a little tiresome. If they want a shag, just say so for heavens sake then I can either say yes or no and none of this messing about not really getting anywhere or saying anything.

All weekend and today too I have had this horrible bug that is making me really tired, my throat hurts and I am generally aching. It will pass as things have a habit of doing.

Robin took me to see a Gilbert & Sullivan thing on Saturday night. As I have never done any form of opera before I was quite keen on going and have to say I really quite enjoyed it. The first bit, ‘The Zoo’ was good anyway. The second segment which was a mix of many of the G&S opera’s was not so good and I suspect there are many of them I would not enjoy, a good thing in a small dose I suspect.

Sunday was not very exciting, the ex in-laws came round in the evening and it was pleasant enough but I am not really sure I can do all this parent concern thing anymore and she was again talking to Matt about how Jermaine needed to go into full time residential care. The more people that say that the more resolute I am that it doesn’t happen!

Today, which is Monday, is just 3 weeks away from going to Gran Canaria and I am really looking forward to it. Matt and I went out earlier to do some clothes shopping, finally have some new t-shirts.

I have been speaking to a few guys on Kagoul and like it very much. One of them called me earlier on the phone and we had a real long chat. I like him very much and nothing about him has disappointed me apart from how far away he lives but then, I guess that just means a perfect chance for travel.

War of the Worlds

This is not a great film, it will not go down in history as a classic or anything like that but I shall remember it for a very long time, it ruined my day.

I have no idea if it is the weather, hormones or what it is but Matt and I have not really agreed on anything today, in fact, the word ‘arsehole’ has been used many times.

This started, as a day, quite ordinary and then went downhill from then on. Jermaine was clearly in one of his ‘could thump at any moment’ moods so eggshells were being trodden on.

Over breakfast I asked Matt & Daisy what they wanted to take on holiday … we had some discussion about the DVD player and I really did try nicely to explain why that was pointless, we could watch TV here. Then we got talking about wide open spaces and it reminded me that I bought a Frisbee and a ‘Bomb’ a while back and that Matt’s friend Johnny had lost the bomb and that Matt had broken the Frisbee. It was then I started to get confronted with Matt’s ‘attitude’. His argument being, he was not to blame for the Frisbee getting broken as anyone could have done what he did so why bring it up? I tried to explain about accepting responsibility but just got the same argument and he was now already starting to refer to me as arsehole.

I managed to diffuse the situation before we went to the movie and watched it all the way through just fine … now, some possible spoilers about the movie …

This is how I viewed it. Tom Cruise is a man that we presume is divorced from his wife, she is pregnant again and both she and ‘Ray’ (Tom Cruise) have two kids. A son of around 17 and a horrible brat of a daughter ‘with issues’ or around 10.

Clearly Ray and his son don’t get along too well and the daughter is just a little screwed up, maybe because of the divorce, maybe something else, we don’t get to find out why. Ray’s ex brings the kids to Ray’s place for a weekend stay whilst she and her new guys head for Boston to see her parents.

Ray is not the parent kind; he is totally out of his depth. He wants to be a good dad but he just doesn’t know how.

The son is not going to budge; he is as stubborn as his father, the daughter looks up to her brother and has little respect for Ray.

Ray has a nap the first afternoon and wakes to discover the daughter watching TV and the son has taken Ray’s car for spin and Ray has no idea where he is. We sense the conflict between worry for the car and of the son. There is an electrical storm, a weird one and all the neighbourhood is out to investigate it. Even our normally totally cool and sorted Ray is clearly shaken by it.

Once it appears the storm has passed, Ray gets his daughter to wait in the house whilst he goes to investigate. He finds his son out in the street and all he is concerned about is whether his son is OK or not. Then, Ray goes off to search for his car which his son had to abandon.

It because quickly apparent that there is more to these storms than was at first thought. All electrical devices have been knocked out. Then, whilst the crown watches on, earthquakes start to happen, or, at least, that’s what they assume. What soon happens is that giant alien craft start emerging from the ground where they have clearly been buried for centuries, or, as one person put it, since before people were even here.

The ships soon start killing everyone in their path and Ray is on the move, running aimlessly until he is past by a man carrying his child when he suddenly remembers his own kids. All he is now thinking about is getting to his kids.

All three of them run until they find a car that works then they drive trying to keep off main routes for their own safety.

They see many disturbing things along the way, dead people, destroyed vehicles and homes, terrible devastation on a massive scale.

They encounter the worst of humanity when an angry mob steals their car and leaves them to fight for their lives … all Ray could think of was the safety of his children.

All along the way Ray’s son is challenging him, clearly very angry at him; he thinks ray is an arsehole. He won’t call him Dad; it is ‘Ray’ all the while. At one point soon after they lose their car, Ray takes them into a diner where he breaks down soon after the daughter rejects his comfort and goes to her brother. Ray is clearly feeling that he has failed his kids, that they don’t love him, he is a jerk.

They move on and find themselves at a war zone. Along the way we pass several families just like theirs that are scared and running.

It is clear that the military offensive against the aliens is failing, there is little hope. All the army can do is to hold them back long enough to help some people escape. At this point Ray’s son decides he has to know what is going on, see for himself. The daughter is told to wait at a tree for ray to come back and he runs after his son. Ray begs him to stay with them, begs him not to go, tells him he loves him, the son insists Ray let him go and Ray can see that if he doesn’t, he will lose his daughter as a couple, with best intentions, are trying to take her to safety. Ray has a choice, his son or his daughter. It is a terrible choice, one that no father can make and live with himself afterwards. Ray heads back to his daughter after clinging to every last moment of his time with his son. When he gets to her we see a huge explosion where his son was just a moment earlier standing …

Now, that is as much of the film as I need to talk about as this isn’t really about the film. At that point I cried, I couldn’t do that, I love all my kids so much, I don’t know how I could choose between them, the pain would be more than I could bare,

Afterwards Matt and I spoke about it. He reckoned it was rubbish, hardly any action and all over in a few minutes at the end, totally lacking in anything realistic and none of the elements that were meant to talk about emotion in the film worked.
After my very recent emotional time watching this film, I was hoping Matt may have picked something up but he hadn’t. He was still being a 17 year old jerk totally failing to see how emotional the movie had made me even though I had explained to him how I felt. All Matt wanted to do was rubbish the movie, what he couldn’t see was by rubbishing the movie, he was also invalidating my feelings, how emotional I got with the scenes between father and son.

For all Matt is a total sod at times, I love him to bit and when he insults me and gets angry with me, it hurts like hell. The thought that we could be in an emergency situation yet Matt would go off and do his own thing rather than have me tell him what to do is frightening and really upsetting to me, no parent can bare the thought of losing their kids, not this one, that is for certain.