Dream on

I have not really had a lot happen over the past few days, not anything worth telling about anyway.

I have needed to get something off my chest to someone so I have done that and I feel better for it regardless of any possible consequences, I just don’t care anymore!

My 42nd birthday looms ever closer and I am just a little apprehensive about it not knowing what is going to happen and, because I am not arranging it, I almost feel obligated to enjoy myself regardless of whether or not I actually do! Maybe next year I should arrange my own birthday celebrations.

Having Jermaine in respite for only 6 hours a day is pointless, it isn’t enough to do anything meaningful at all but we are trying all the same.

Still hoping I can get us off to GC but had the most awful thoughts about it last night. I was wondering how well the other gay guys are going to take me having kids with me at the bars? Will we be picked on negatively by the drag queens or will they just accept us as we are? I had visions of being asked to leave because guys were feeling awkward. I just so hope that is not going to happen.

I also had another nightmare in which I believed we had another part to this house, quite a nice extra area downstairs where there were a few extra bedrooms, two of them were en suite. This is not the first time I have had that particular vision, sometimes it is a good dream and others, like last night, a nightmare. I wish I knew where it was. Is it somewhere I have been or somewhere I am yet to go? In last nights dream there was a connecting door to this area of the house and when I tried to push it open I felt some resistance like someone was pushing it from the other side. This actually seemed quite amusing at the time. I thought how oddly like someone pushing the door closed this felt though knowing it must just be the way the door was. So, wanting to share this humour I went and fetched Matt and together we pushed the door which was then pushed so hard back there was no doubt there was someone behind it silently preventing our entry and then I got real scared! Dreams eh?

It's a Beautiful day, sun is shining, nothing's gonna stop me now

Today I met someone for the first time, I loved it, it was wonderful, I'm not saying any more!

I also popped into see David & Greg and had some tea with them and sat there watching the Orient Express puff into the station.

I spent most of the travel time listening to Coldplay on my Ipod, I am not sure why I have not listened to them much before, they are really good.

This is nice :-)

Today has been quite good, well; about as good as it gets for me just now.

This morning I had a lay in until 10:00 which was great, follow that with breakfast out and then onto lunch out with David and Robin in MK and so far so good.

Weather too was good, not scorching but nice and great driving with the windows open for a change.

Matt was a little concerned that his plans for my birthday were not coming together and Tony is not helping him winding him up about tying me up in the forest! Poor Matt isn’t getting the joke as getting it right means a lot to him whereas I am just happy that he is doing his best which has rarely been the case with others on previous birthdays.

For the record, being tied up anywhere is about the last think I would want at any time of year and especially on my birthday!

How Very Odd

Nothing at all went wrong today, that is just so weird ... nope, I forgot, yes, something went very wrong but I am so used to things I forgot all about it!

Our Jermaine decided that he was rather fed up with using the toilet so he had a shit in the bath instead. I found him with a turd in the bath, another hanging and stuck to his arse pubes and his hands covered in shit where he had wondered just what it was that was falling from his bum.

You'd think the bath was a fairly good place to do it if somewhere other than the loo has to be chosen and, I guess, to an extent that is true. However, he was still wearing his trousers and pants and had managed to fill them too and when I finally got them off him ready to clean him up, he decided to get out of the bath.

It took an age to get him back in there again but I managed it and cleaned him up passing him over to Matt to redress whilst I cleaned up the mess in the bath and on me and took the shit covered clothes downstairs to be washed ... apart from that ... oh, and he had a hypo too so I had to give him a glocagon injection which is a 'proper' injection around an inch long, just call me doc.

But, apart from that, it was all fine and nothing to report.

Escaped Convict

Actually, no, it is just me getting a Sunday off!

I spent a lovely time with Robin, Tony, David, Greg, Tom and Gary at the Navigator in Cosgrove. It was really good to be with guys of such a vast age range from 18 – 65 with me somewhere near the middle of them all.

There was quite some discussion over my flagging sex drive but no conclusions as such. I think Tom may like to experiment to see if he can find it but that isn’t really what I or he needs right now! Tom is trying real hard to be good for Gary.

It got me to thinking though, is it a failing sex drive or a distrust of men? This all really started around last May in GC when I was with Nick and Martyn. I came to realise that I enjoyed sex with Martyn but not Nick and that was causing some conflict. I was seriously starting to think how workable a relationship with Martyn may be. Not very as a conclusion to that change of thoughts but even so, I thought them. Then, Nick passed on this STD to me and he handled it really bad. He shared it with Martyn too and, well, it wasn’t that we got his STD that was the problem but that he seemed totally unconcerned by it all.

Well, sex from that went out the window, I found out how painful a STD can be and I didn’t like it. Because of what happened on that holiday, the friendship with Martyn ended too, one of the few guys in the past few years that made sure I had a good time in bed. The only other guy to be able to do that was Steve who now lives in Swindon, I have a lot of luck with my choice of bed partners, they just don’t tend to be local. But the point here is this … I have not lost the need to have sex just the trust that any guy can want to take the time to make sure I have a good time and feel good about myself afterwards. Someone that doesn’t look at the clock and decide when I should orgasm! I just take my own time which, with the right guy, can be real quick, with others, it takes some work.

So, I need an understanding man, someone that is prepared to set aside a day to make me happy and allow me to trust again that someone can make me feel special … anyone out there?

Bloody Woman!

OK, just one, my ex wife!

She doesn't like spending money on the kids she had with me, she prefers her new family. She doesn't much like spending time with them either. In fact, truth be known, she would rather just pretend that her life began a couple of years ago and everything before that was some kind of weird soap!

Her husband apparently threatened me in front of my 12 year old daughter today not to ever ask them to spend money on the kids again.

On a legal note, we have 50-50 care of them, she should spend the same as me and see them as often, yeah, right!

It just gets better

After a pointless meeting at Jermaine’s school to discuss speech therapy for a kid that doesn’t speak, Matt and I returned to Northampton to watch Star Wars III.

It may have been a good film if I had zero memory but I haven’t and I really just cannot do the prequel concept, I just cannot escape into a movie when I already know the outcome.

On leaving the cinema I got voicemail from Jermaine’s school. Apparently he has body lice, I assume that’d be crabs. Clearly I would find this alarming as I know none of us here would have them so where the hell would he have got them from?

Matt and I spent an entire very unpleasant evening cleaning Jermaine up and after all that, we didn’t find any evidence of anything except head lice so, we went through hell and so did Jermaine for what appears to be nothing,.

Tomorrow Matt and I shall cover him in Derbac just to be certain and I hope he will be back at school on Monday.

This did mean that I lost the chance to go out to London to unwind, the first time I have been out that far in ages and it is ruined again :-(

Daft Walkies

Yesterday, myself and a mate decided to go for a walk, not a simple stroll to the pub but nearly 16 miles along the canal from Northampton to Castlethorpe near MK. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time but somehow, now doesn't seem to clever.

It was a lovely evening. It is such a shame that my sex drive is dead else I may have liked to have thought that the offer from Tom to 'help out' was geuine and that it was worth taking him up on the offer!

I think I hate my son

This morning was just hell.

It was Daisy’s turn to sort Jermaine out with medication but he wasn’t having any of it. He tried to punch her in the face but fortunately missed. I took over, tried and failed to give him his insulin which he must have before meals. He started swearing at me.

He then left the kitchen and stood in the hallway. I headed off toward the stairs a short while later, I think I was aiming to find his shoes which may have been upstairs, I forget now. Anyway, I turned my back on Jermaine just for a second and he went for me. He dug his nails in good and proper and punched me in the face; my glasses went flying as they often do. There was quite a bit of blood and I am still sore and shaky several hours later but this is not unusual.

Both Matt and myself got totally angry with him and both of us retaliated which did seem to calm him down. Within 20 minutes he was quite happy to get on his school bus.

I don’t know which is worse, the fact that he is violent or that he doesn’t seem to give a shit. I am sure his level of understanding is such that he can know right from wrong like that but he chooses to do this.

At least things are still happening with meetings, a few are planned for within the month so maybe some progress could be made.

Shit weekend, deep joy

What an awful weekend Jermaine created and he has carried it on into the week as well.

When he is not acting like a Zombie (for acting I think it is) he is refusing to eat which buggers up his diabetes management. When he is not doing that he is thumping, it really is most unpleasant.

All kids are winding each other up and or being dead lazy. I have had words with them this evening trying to explain with the huge extended period of having Jermaine here so often we are all uptight and we have two choices, either let the tension get to us and fight each other or to close ranks and stand up for our family.

I doubt this will do any good, they really only hear what they want to and ignore the rest. I am quite sure I shall again have to wake Zoey up tomorrow, Matt won’t chase up getting a job so he can repay me what he owes and DJ will carry on the now favourite family pastime of point scoring.

Is that it?

In the morning, waking to the new day, the sun, the cool breeze, the birds, is that it?

Music that makes our spirit soar, the book that makes our eyes swell with tears, is that it?

Comforting a child when they are in pain, wishing for that pain to be mine, is that it?

That rush of feeling when our hand is touched, our cheek softly stroked, is that it?

You look nice, have you done your hair different? Is that it?

Happy birthday, I just thought I’d call, didn’t want to miss the day, is that it?

Dad, I drew this picture for you, it’s not very good, I hope you like it, is that it?

Why did he leave me, 30 years together, why now? You don’t need to see your mum crying, sorry. Is that it?

It’s not right, our children shouldn’t go first, it’s not right. Is that it?

Yes, yes it all is, love is all around us in the happy and the sad, is that it? Yes, that’s love.

(c) Steve Williams 2005

Feeling Sorry for Myself

On going through the all new outeverywhere (total crap and should be deleted) I decided to look at my linked friends and was amazed to see that one of my longest standing linked friends has made no comment about me at all in his 'Me on him' section. I am, in fact, one of the very few to which this is the case yet I thought we were rather close. To the world it would look like I am just someone he happens to know and I found that quite upsetting. I know it is just a silly internet site but all the same, it a public face to this person and who he considers to be a friend and why and I, as it appears, am not one of them. It's one of those, I feel used moments. :-(

Went with Robin to see a play last night in Eydon and it was really rather good, not perfect but then, it was the opening night. I laughed and that has to be the point, perfection is for another place, another time.

I have spent this morning catching up on some paperwork and am feeling terribly guilty for wasting around an hour of that time since 9am eating lunch and surfing the web, am I mad or something?

The weekend holds the prosect of boredom and I feel deep depression time coming on yet can do very little about it. Right now, the best I can do is get out and finish the tasks I started today.

Not appropriate behaviour ... but then, what do I know!

I wrote this big long load of bollox Sunday night that I was going to post and then my PC hung and I couldn’t be arsed to write any more so you will just have to guess what I did.

Yesterday I had a meeting with Social Services; you may refer to them as the SS cos I probably will from now on.

It seems really clear to me that their objective is to get me to agree that Jermaine should go full time residential but, I don’t see as that is the best thing for him to be doing. They only want that option as they have been unable to provide what would be best care for him by keeping him at home. With the correct level of support there is no reason why he could not stay here a while longer. They also tried to do the dirty in insisting that Jermaine does a series of overnight stays at Eleanor Lodge which would have to be paid for by us and would be lost from our respite entitlement. I put me foot down and refused to allow that to happen. I agreed, I could see why it would be useful for the respite centre but stated that it would not be any good at all for Jermaine so, as it was for the sole benefit of the respite centre and to follow ‘best practise’ that there was no reason why we should have to lose out, the SS should swallow the cost. Today I found out that they had agreed to that.

Went to the Boston Clipper in Northampton last night, Tony picked me up which was really great because it meant I got to have an evening when I totally relaxed for a change and that is exactly what I did. On the whole I enjoyed myself, talking to Pascal was nice, he is really quite fun. One thing kinda pissed me off just because I thought it was a little insensitive and that was when Nick and Ian started ‘getting close’ whilst sitting opposite. I mean, I know we are not together but it felt a little like when someone dies and the surviving partner is off shagging within a few weeks. There is no reason why not but decency says that traditionally they don’t flaunt it. It just felt like I was having my nose rubbed into it especially knowing that me getting off with someone now is virtually impossible. Oh well, live and learn I guess. I know I would have felt awkward doing that to Nick or Simon and it did happen the once and I was not really expecting Nick to be there so it was just really awkward when I was with Simon.

Still, my life is not destroyed by that little business, it was more a niggle than anything else.

Off to see a show with Robin tomorrow night, should be fun!

The Weekend and there it was gone

What a weekend I have had, non stop sex from a stream of guys, all drop dead gorgeous and they couldn’t get enough of me!

Now, wouldn’t it make a change if I typed something like that and there was even an element of truth in it?

I spoke to Tony about this the other day, I just don’t really have a lot of sex drive now, to word it with more accuracy, I don’t have a lot of sexual confidence. After a string of awful encounters with guys that just want to ‘cum and go’ I have all but lost interest.

Popped over to see Robin yesterday and David was there also. Spent quite some time trying to repair a Dell Laptop but the thing was just plain beyond repair and there has to be a point where I give up as much as I hate to.

The more I meet David the more I get to like him, well, he is a very likeable man.

In the late afternoon, early evening I went into Tony’s, he had promised to reinvigorate my sex drive, not something I had much hope for. Of course, where I got there, Tom and Gary were in the lounge chatting on their laptops. I like the pair of them but sometimes I wonder if Tony is happy with having lost control of his house. It is one thing to have company when we are lonely but another when they don’t get the hint and sod off when we have guests. This is something I must be very careful about when I eventually get a lodger.

I read Nick’s blog earlier on today, I think he is missing the point about this holiday and the money he stopped paying me. He seems to think I am bitter because I have resentment for him going on holiday when I can’t (I can as it happens) and spending the money on the holiday rather than something sensible. Well, I don’t really care if he goes on holiday or not, that is his choice. What I was doing is giving him some alternate options that he could either take or not dependant on what he thought was best for him. To my way of thinking, using the extra cash as an additional element of income now available for rent seemed logical if he is as unhappy with the regime at his current lodgings as he appears to be and Thailand (tsunami’s permitting) is still going to be there next year so there is no real hurry for that and next year he gets back all the tax he is losing in this current tax year so a real chance to spend some serious money. As far as the £50 a week goes, well, I have already written about that and why I feel so pissed off about it.

Today I went down town with Matt and bought Zoey some new clothes to make her look good and she really does look a lot better than she has before, quite feminine. I did have to have words with the sales assistant in one shop though that wanted to insist that men were not allowed in the changing area. I mentioned to her that my daughter was mentally handicapped and if she wanted to get the near £200 sale, she best let me to stay with her or else I walk there and then. She sensibly apologised and allowed me to stay.

Jermaine has been reluctant to eat today which has made managing his diabetes difficult and this is probably due to a fit he had earlier on today.

Tomorrow I have to get over my fears and take Matt to the dentist where he shall be having some teeth out, rather him than me but even so, actually walking into a dentist fills me with dread, wish me luck!

The weekend is upon me

I was hoping to get off and do something different this weekend rather than just more of the same. Not that I am complaining about 'the same' at all but it is nice for my mind to add new experiences, new interactions. Well, that isn't going to happen so I shall go see my little chubby friend in MK and possibly Tony later if I get the time.

The past day or so has been quiet which is unusual and most welcome. It amazes me how much things can change from one end of the week to another.

It's possible I may soon be starting work but I have not arranged anything firm yet and I want to get a few things in place for myself to give me the widest option base possible. Most of these volunteer posts are only a few hours a week so it is quite possible to get them working alongside each other.

Nick got a little pissed off with me the other day. I mistook my rationalising as me telling him what to do. He has suddenly gained £50 a week from me being the money he should really have paid back because it was for a loan which also helped pay for a holiday that he went on and a car he got a lot of use out of and generally speaking, he agreed to and put his name to ... after all, just because we may have stopped using what we bought with a loan that doesn't mean we don't still owe the money ... still, he didn't see it that way so that now I am left with the full amount and he is wondering what holiday to go on with his gain! OK, no, I am not happy about that at all and it just proves he still has no concept of how finance works and how loans work! Anyway, I suggested that as he is clearly not happy with the restrictions his landlord has placed upon him he could use that money to pay more rent and get a far better place rather than put it all toward Thailand later this year, he already reckoned to be able to save for that before he got the money from me. Damn I am annoyed about that! Anyway, it's up to him what he does with it. Bloody hell, I am paying over £300 a month for a car I don't have anymore yet he can walk away and spend the money on a bloody holiday! Talk about having your cake and eating it. Still, tact and logic never were Nicks strong points so I am not shocked by it.

I got my ipod the other day and it has been a right pain converting all the tracks from wma to aac, if only the thing played wma this would not be an issue! That said, if the biggest problem of the moment is transferring files to an ipod, I don't imagine I have that much to worry about!

Been thinking about getting a new phone and the Sony K700i looks cool and would do what I want a phone to do, I shall have to see what I want to do in a month or so.

I would like to arrange a holiday out o the country for myself and the kids (minus Jermaine) for July/August but it is really late now and I am not sure I will get anywhere I can either afford or would want to go, I guess even if we just manage a week it would be better than nothing.

Election night

I predict Labour has a majority reduced to around 72 by the end of counting this night, like I have any idea at all!

This time and for the first time ever, I have voted Liberal Democrat. Not because of Iraq or anything like that but simpy because I feel our Labour MP, Sally Keeble is too smug and doesn't really do anything effective for her constutuants, she is more of a career MP than a local MP and seems to be far more concerned with how high she can get in Westminster than how low the rest of us back here in Northampton are going. This is not a protest vote, I realy believe Andrew Simpson can achieve great things if he doesn't get corrupted by power, I hope not.

Earlier on today I bottled out of making a statement about an assault I witnessed on Sunday. Bottom line is, those that committed it would quite happily make our lives hell and I am not having a good enough year to be going through all that sort of shit again.

Earlier on I had a meeting at Eleanor Lodge to discuss Jermaine's needs there, just a formality but a time consuming one which meant I didn't have the time to do what I had planned to do but it was nothing that couldn't wait until another time so I am not that bothered.

Apart from the feeling that I didn't really achieve much today, I do feel somewhat better than I have in a while.

Improving?

Today has been better though, I suspect that is a relative statement in comparison to yesterday. Were someone suddenly hit with today they may well have been down the funny farm.

I got up at 07:20 quite certain that everyone else would be up, they weren’t. So, deciding I really didn’t care if they were late or not I went downstairs and had breakfast. Jermaine came down just after I started eating and seemed OK so I told him that as soon as I finished my breakfast I would do him some and a cup of tea. I thought he had accepted that just fine as he seemed happy enough to go to his room and play for a while. A few moments later I did his breakfast and called him down. He walked in saying ‘no’ so I suggested that he may want to have his breakfast now and I would just do a cup of tea. He decided it would be better to try and punch me. When he missed he grabbed his breakfast bowl and that landed on the floor smashing with milk and cereal everywhere. He said sorry but I know that means totally nothing with Jermaine. So, I too apologised as I kicked his arse on his way up the stairs.

I cleaned up the mess but it was clear he was not going to let me anywhere near him, which was that, he, was never going to school today.

Matt decided to stay at home and so did Daisy, I was beyond caring at this point but we did hold a discussion about things and they both seemed to give a little ground and make some plans between them on what they may change in future.

I left them to it and got the car into town to get the parking sensors fitted which all went fine.

Whilst I was in town waiting for Robin to turn up, I got a call from Jermaine’s social worker who wanted to arrange a meeting next week. She also seemed to be provisionally agreeing to my request for someone to come in and deal with Jermaine’s personal hygiene issues and nail cutting problems. Time will tell on that one.

Had a nice time with Robin, had a coffee and a chat, a good way to spend a couple of hours.

Back home and Jermaine is still in an awful mood, good erupt at any moment, very unstable. Still, I did manage to get the shopping done which was a bonus.

Truck loads of it

Life just gets better and better doesn’t it?

After my feelings of earlier, I couldn’t face the kids and went for a drive. I came back and nothing had changed. I mean, I went out without saying anything to anyone and yet, I come back an hour later and nothing has changed, all was as I left it.

They eventually went to bed except for Matt and he popped his head round a little while ago to say he didn’t feel 100%, can I work out what it is for him! I know kids are kids and all that but I am sure I knew when my mum was depressed or upset, I just knew, my lot don’t appear to give a fuck.

I thought I would check email before I went to bed. I just watched a movie which was OK and made me think about other stuff so I was ready to sleep. On checking email there was only one there, from Nick. We had agreed before he left that he should continue to pay off the loan we got together in 2003 when we moved here. A lot of that was for the car (which he got two years use out of, some of it, quite a chunk went on stuff around the house and toward a holiday which he enjoyed.

Well, I told him I had repaid the Motability side of the car loan and he assumed that this also meant the bank was paid off, in fact, I had to refinance the loan for an extra year to cover the money I needed to buy another car, all I could do to ensure I got an extra £80 a week. Well, he says that now the loan is gone, he doesn’t need to be paying any contribution toward it, that contribution being a large percentage of it, about two thirds. It is true, his name is no longer on the loan agreement, legally he doesn’t owe me a penny, in fact, I have taken two payments from him since consolidating the previous loan so I have now repaid it. What this means is, far from saving myself £80 a week I have only saved £30 which is better than nothing but still only £1500 over the year and not the £4160 I was expecting.

Still, I guess it is better that we make a totally clean break.. Oh, for the record, I would still only have asked Nick to pay up to the original loan date. I honestly now wouldn’t want to have Nick’s money, I really don’t need the aggravation, seems I get that every time I ask for anything these days.

I guess shit comes in fucking great trucks these days.

Plan for tomorrow, work out how to dig myself out of my depression, no running to the States this time.

Not a good day

Today is a very emotional one for me. I have no idea why that would be the case but apparently it is.

For a day that had nothing pre-arranged this one has turned out quite busy.

First, I agreed to take Matt for breakfast though I wasn't really hungry. He was being quite argumentative in the morning about some thing or other, I don't recall what exactly but some matter of politics where he was going to argue the toss whilst knowing little or nothing about it. But, even so, I was quite upbeat as Jermaine had gone to school on time ... no, scrub that, i was upbeat until I yet again had to tell Zoey to get her arse out of her room, downstairs, do her chores and get to school, that is when this day started to go downward.

I spent way too much money on a new doorbell, true, we needed one but not one that cost nearly £50! This too has not helped.

I went to see a garage that can fit parking sensors to my car, all well and good but they needed me to supply paint to match the circles up on the rear bumper. Easy enough I thought but it wasn't. Halfords don't stock anything for Chrysler, neither does Chrysler stock spray paint for the cars so I had to go somewhere and get a can specially made by a paint manufacturer. In the meantime, Matt calls to say he needs to be leaving home to meet his girlfriend but my door keys are at home. So, I said for him to leave and I would meet him somewhere to collect them. I got down town where his bus was taking him, tried to call but he is in a dead zone and I got voicemail for a while, not helping me to relax.

When I got home I tried to catch up on some planned things for today, tracking down a volunteer job. Most annoyingly, the one I really wanted had been withdrawn months ago but they apologised that they forgot to tell the volunteer centre of that little detail. I still have some I would like to go for and have 'e' applied for a couple.

Something else I wanted to do was to talk to the adult department at social services to see if I couldn't get some support in the home with Jermaine giving him a shower and cutting his nails but children’s' services call first and I was stuck on the phone with them for so long that time ran out on me so that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Matt fitted up the new doorbell but left the packaging along with some discarded green beans form yesterday o the dining room table, clearly, me talking to the kids the other day asking them to take responsibility for their own mess didn't count for anything. I thought I was getting together with a shopping list for the fish and chip shop, I was actually quite happy when Daisy asked for chicken and I remembered we still had a couple of legs in the fridge from yesterday. This ended when Matt mentioned he 'might have' 'accidentally' eaten the skin off them as it was just sitting there! I went into the 'how irresponsible' speech and he went into his 'you're so unreasonable' speech and we hit stalemate. I am now in a totally foul mood, can't be arsed to do anything but with the full and certain knowledge that quite soon Jermaine will kick off wanting food and drink. I did mention to the kids that they could do themselves some food but TV is way more important than that sort of detail and dad is just so unreasonable.

Earlier on I was listening to McFly in the car, well, kinda listening to it and thinking how happy it made me feel and suddenly, whilst driving, I started to cry and I didn't feel happy anymore, I felt really low.

My personal opinion, I am losing it, my ability to rationalise things is going, I just don't think I can do the thinking for 5 and take the shit of that extra 4 for ever. Something has to give, either I have to pull myself together or they need to start pulling their weight and not winding me up being so damn inconsiderate so much of the time. I just cannot get them to see that doing their chores is not enough, they need to be thinking about the mess they leave behind them, their attitude, their social skills.

Maybe more later, I suspect this day shall get worse before there is any change and it may not be for the better.


... I spoke to the kids earlier, explained how difficult it was for me to have so much pressure because not even the little things could be easy when I was always in this battle with them.

They all appeared to be taking no notice.

Later, Daisy asked if I wanted a coffee and then a tea and cleaned the worktops after her in the kitchen then went to bed on time. Zoey behaves like nothing at all has changed. She is now making a drink, just for her. Matt has done himself some food, no one else that I am aware of. I fed Jermaine.

I cried again in the kitchen earlier whilst I cleared up the mess from the weekend where the kids have left things where they last used them, not cleared up crumbs, tea stains and general debris. I seem to be just crying quite a bit just now for no apparent reason, I guess to say I am feeling depressed is an understatement.

Dad called earlier to see how things were going, he seemed quite upset he couldn’t help at all, well, he can’t. Hell, if their own mother can’t give a fuck why should anyone else?

I am going to beat this feeling though because I don’t like it one bit. I feel an overwhelming desire to throw something and I would too if it didn’t mean I would have to clear up yet more mess.

I suspect I may need to write more later.

Back to school ... bliss

If I am very lucky, I shall have at least three of the kids back to school in the morning. I say if I am lucky because I never really know, especially with Jermaine. Even if he goes to school it is a matter of whether he does so without hitting anyone or damaging anything. It is just so stressful in the mornings here.

Today ahs been OK, I have done as little as possible as planned. Matt cooked dinner and I got Zoey to do loads too to show my displeasure at her of last night. I shall never know what that was all about for sure but strongly suspect it has something to do with the program in tele (House) that she had been watching which seems to have a good seizure every episode. She is so suggestible I suspect her mind had just fixated on it and she was gone with the fairies.

Jermaine has managed not to hit anyone or throw anything today though there were some shouts at bedtime so I just shut his door and waited for him to pass out naturally then got him into bed.

Dj wouldn't go to bed on time so is now destined to go to bed at 8 tomorrow as agreed in the new house rules whereby 10pm is a privilege that will be removed when abused.

Spoke to Pete earlier as I often do, I really enjoy chatting to Pete, I think we probably understand each other. If we never get together it doesn't matter, something worthwhile is happening and I really am enjoying it.

I am hoping the weather is nice tomorrow as I would quite like to sort the garden out, if it isn't it can wait another few days, I hardly get out there anyway.

This week is quite clear, just a short visit to Eleanor Lodge on Thursday to check it out but the rest of the week is clear apart from that.

Why did she do that?

I was up late this evening trying to catch up on a few things when, at around 12:50 Zoey walked past the office into the darkened kitchen. I followed her but she didn't seem to see me there. After a while she acknowledged me but then started shaking inher limbs and gestered that she couldn't talk.

I called Matt down for a second opinion and we did all sorts of tests and they all showed that she was physically OK but putting on an act. The 'act' part we deduced because she seemed to have quite good control over the shaking with the right incentive. Still, she kept this up for over 30 minutes so we figured calling the GP made sense, to be certain. The GP told me to get her to casualty ... actually, call an ambulance was the what was said. I don't call ambulances unless there is little or no choice and Zoey did not appear to be getting worse so I decided that driving her there myself made more sense. This I did and am pleased to say we were in and out within 30 minutes with a disgnosis that there was nothing physically wrong with her, that she perhaps needed to see a shrink more than an A&E doctor.

I tried to get her to open up when we got home but it was no good, she wouldn't say anything so I had to leave it. So, as of right now, I have no idea what that was all about, a cry for attention maybe? A walking nightmare? I just don't know but if I find out, here it will be.

Oh, as for yesterday, Jermaine managed to throw a cup of tea over the TV but no apparent damage done (this time) and he has been violent off and on all day. I mean, can life get any better?

The whole 'love' thing

I was just thinking this morning whilst doing the kids chores because they are off out doing other things ... what is love?

I know that I love my kids, even the eldest who, at times, I really detest, I still love him. I couldn't just watch whilst someone did harm to him, I don't think I could anyway. I loved my mum, when she died in 1986 I was heartbroken, I cried uncontrollably for such a long time and for months afterwards I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat. For a while, I did think I loved my wife but that just went. I shall always feel related to her but not love.

I have had three boyfriends/partners in my life, did I love them?

Not sure, you see, love is such a strange thing to work out and I am not sure I am qualified.

My first, Neil, I was certainly infatuated with him. He was young, cute, tall and was good in bed. I think, if I had thought he loved me, I could have loved him but I am not sure I really allowed myself to.

Simon was sort of my second if I forget the 7 months of Nick first! Simon loved me, I am certain of that, it was something he made a point of telling me the first time we met in the real world and not online. All I know about how I felt was that it made me feel warm and comfortable that he loved me and needed me and maybe that was a kind of love? Somehow though, I still felt like a fraud. Because I can't be certain of what love is, how do I know that the feelings I have are real love and not just some sort of mock up of it?

Lastly there was Nick and he too, I am certain of it, loved me, probably still does but, I don't know how I feel about him, I certainly see him as more than just a friend, I must do because I feel awkward around him and I don't feel that with any of my friends. Was that love? No, well, I am starting to think it was no because, well, love is something we are meant to know we are in and if I can't be certain then logically I can't be. I care about him deeply, it is though he shall always be part of me in some way but those feelings seem to be more akin to the way I feel about the kids than they do to how I should feel about a lover.

My conclusion he is thatI feel my mum dyeing killed something in me, it screwed my ability to ever really let myself love someone again because I couldn't go through that pain again, that makes sense, it isn't nice but I think it may be true. This, I guess, makes me a bit of a bastard because the conclusion is, any guy I allow to fall in love with me is not going to get 100% of me back, seems to be like a good reason for not doing relationships or, perhaps, I am wrong and just have not met the guy that will push me through that barrier I feel I have been so close to?

Anyway, an interesting thought for the day.