Clouds on the Horizon

OK, no they're not, they are outside my window and it is looking gloomy again. Not just the weather but the atmosphere here is downbeat.

Last night I was able to give my eldest boy a shower and a shave which was a small miracle but this was mainly because he desperately needed the shit removed from him, I do literally mean shit here. I have effectively been cleaning up shit covered kids for 18 years now and have to say, I am just about sick of it, this is not what I signed up for ... or, I didn't think this was what I was signing up for when I decided to have children back in 1986. Neither did my then wife so she took the easy route when we got divorced and left the kids with me and now wants nothing to do with the eldest and very little interest in the others. Cutting off like that is a good trick if you can do it but I can't. I have this inbuilt committment to my children and that is me.

I am also not a small bit fed up with still getting post for Nick. It is nearly a month since he left yet even important documents are still arriving here

Robin will be here shortly to take Matt and Daisy ice skating in Milton Keynes, I hope they enjoy it as it is a lot of money for something they end up moaning about.

Speaking of moaning, Zoey had done very little but complain this morning. For a start she resents having to get up then she is far from keen on doing the dishwasher. Now she has decided she has nothing to wear, no trousers certainly, well, none that she likes so she is back in the ones she has worn all week and keeps wearing as soon as I an get them through the wash. She actually does have another 11 pair but, even though she chose most of them, she doesn't like any of them. Now she says she has a headache which I have suggested may have something to do with the amount of effort it takes to be so totally miserable so much of the time.

Jermaine is in an OK mood this morning but it is one of those whereby he can change almost in seconds and be totally awful.

I would like to have a holiday at some point this year, even if it is just for a week in GC or something, I need that break to recharge my batteries. For that matter, even a few days without having to think for another 4 people would be nice and I honestly believe the one that tires me out most is Daisy. She is wonderful on so many levels but she just never stop being so dominent in the household either asking questions, complaining or just making sure we all know she is about. Most of the phone calls are for her, most of the arguments involve her and it is really quite shattering.

More later maybe ...

I spoilt myself earlier ... OK, so I bough and Ipod and a new camcorder ... oh, and a new washing machine cos my old one busted but no, that's not it ... I also bought some Theakston Old Peculier and oh the joy of it!

Matts is trying to find some easter eggs in an Aladdin movie, I can't quite be that sad but he is really enjoying it he tell me. All he has so far found is the beast in the movie which would be difficult if not impossible to spot if not watched frame by frame ... no, I think I shall pass.

The sun is out, the sky is blue ...

I like warm sunny mornings, they make me feel that everything just might be right with the world.

Personally, I feel dead tired still because of going to bed late mast night but there wasn't really a reason to, it just happened that way. OK, so there was trying to get this thing sorted (which I think I have done now) but apart from that, there was nothing that couldn't have waited.

Will be picking my new car up later, hopefully that all goes smoothly. Robin is driving up from MK to drop me off there and I want to go over to see Tony later too if I can.

Picked up new car, a little Neon and it is just a bit special so I am a happy bunny.

Tony was fine, hopefully will get his plaster off in a day or so, his leg has taken an age to heal so I imagine he is quite pleased about that. Pete was there too which was a bonus.

I need new telephones but not sure which to get yet, I really need a set of 5 but the most seems to be 4 and if it had an answerphone with a multi number memory all the better for that.

Time for bed

I have spent an age editing this thing to get it looking how I want and it is still wrong ... fuck it, tomorrow will do!

Happy Thursday

Not that I should be shocked by this but, well, today was boring, functional but boring.

Whenever I get a day to myself I just have this habit of filling it up with things I don't need to do and not taking time just for me.

What I did first was to decide I would go get some coffee down town. On the way I thought what a clever idea it would be to go into the DVLA and pick up my new road tax so I did that. Then, coffee, only I didn't of course, I headed off to post a letter and then coffee, only I didn't .. I went to Halfords to look at some alloy wheels for my new car and then coffee? No, not a chance. Matt called and asked if I could meet him down town. He had screwed up his budget, can't quite get to grips with not being able to spend the same money twice and building in some set aside for those moments, like today, when we find things didn't quite work out as we planned. If I had taken the money he owed me, he would have been broke for a month which is just daft so hopefully I will get it back some other time.

I finally did get coffee, around lunch time so hardly what I had in mind at 08:30 this morning!

I got a call from Eleanor Lodge earlier which is where I have in mind to send Jermaine for his respite. As I suspected, they had hardly any dates to offer me and we only actually got offered an extra 18 nights in July/August so better than a kick in the teeth but only just.

This evening I sold the car which is really quite sad but we move on. So, the Citroen dealership in Northampton is totally shit and the car seemed to collapse quite a lot but apart from that, it was a good car with may happy memories, probably the best we have had so far.

My ex came round earlier, that's Nick so remember cos I don't plan on repeating all of this!

We had a pleasant chat, an OK evening and Jermaine has not been too bad.

Shit what a week and only Wednesday?

Monday I had an all important network meeting with social services and just about everyone concerned with my eldest son (18) and his care (or lack thereof).

Jermaine is really disabled, I mean, mentally and has been since he was 11 months old, we don't know what happened and it really isn't worth working out what it might have been, it won't change anything.

Well, he is the eldest of 4 children, I have another boy now 17, a girl of 13 and another at 12, the eldest girl also has special needs but they are only moderate and a breeze in comparison to our Jermaine.

I say 'our' but, really there is just the 5 of us as I divorced their mother in 2000 and she has shown little interest in the kids since, she refuses to have anything to do with the eldest and does a real fine job of pretending she is not even related to him.

Up until just recently I had a partner but the lack of outside support with the really challenging violent behaviour from Jermaine ruined it.

So far this year we have received not one day of worthwhile respite. Social Services have allocated a respite centre but they deemed, that is, the respite centre decided they were not an appropriate placement and so did I and we were both proved right when Jermaine started attacking the staff and other clients. The days he has had there have beeen assessment days. These are days where the respite centre choose to have him and decide just how unsuitable he is for them and, to make matters worse, I have to pay for that at £8 a night!

We have no guarenteed respite for the remainder of the year and that is what Monday's meeting was about. The best I was able to get out of it was a commitment from social services that a placement would be found by the end of May this year.

Well, that was Monday. Tuesday was one of those days where really it was not going to be that bad but boy do things change around here so quickly!

I had agreed to go to q:space in Milton Keynes weeks ago to talk about funding with one of the funding groups and that was fine, I had the time. The meeting went well, I don't imagine there will be any problems. After that I was to drive number 2 son, Matt, to the dentist in Northampton for what I believed to be 12:45 but it should have been 11:45 so that was buggered. Still, even before that we got a call from Jermaine's school in Kettering to ask me to go there and pick him up as he was attacking anyone within striking distance. As I was on the M1 at the time I explained they would have to wait.

Well, we got to the dentist and found out they were closed, checked the appointment time and then Matt blames me for not knowing the right time, it was his appointment! I decided, as we were not meant to be in Kettering exactly at this time that I would head over to a local Chrysler dealer in Northampton and discuss buying a Neon from them and arrange a test drive. It's a nice car but far from perfect and I have checked the pricing for what it should be and a model in immaculate condition should be no more than £5000 and they wanted £5750! I tried to reason with the dealer but to no avail and I had to let the car go. I had another one in mind just down the road that was almost identicle but was £4995. I liked the car and agreed to buy. In the meatime I was having to deal with several other calls on my mobile, not least because I had managed to leave my major credit card in Milton Keynes and the stupid card company had told the shop to destroy it, flippin' idiots!

Now I was running well late and had to dash around doing school stops to get the youngest at home to be there for the eldest girl when she got home. Number 2 child needed to be a few miles away to meet his girlfriend and I was stuck in the 4x4 rush to pick up loads of lazy kids that could have walked.

I eventually arrived in Kettering at 4:30 totally shattered to be greeted by a punch from Jermaine, something he continued to do on the way home.

The rest of the evening continued in a similar fashion and I was glad to get to bed.

Today I have been to the volunteer centre in Northampton sorting out some jobs I could do, watch this space.