What Goes Around ... Gets Dizzy

Birthday Remembered

2007-10-13T17:02:00.000+01:00

Today would have been the 74th Birthday of my mum. It's amazing she has been dead 21 years now. I always hoped I'd one day remember her clearly after the shock of her death wore off but I never have. I can remember images at times of things we did, just silly things like her making a cup of tea (and spilling it all over the place), crying to me of how much of a burden she was (she really wasn't though I must have acted like she was at the time). For all those visuals I have I can't get any audio memories back. I have no idea how her every day talking voice sounded. It's strange, other people I have known and lost it is though they are still around but when mum went she went near totally.

I guess this is how I eventually came to feel about most of my relatives. I was rejected big time either deliberately because they wanted nothing to do with me or through apathy that it never even crossed their mind they should contact me. I can't help but get hurt we never get invited to what must be many family gatherings but this is not going to change now. One of the problems with having a good memory is that I can remember how close I felt to my family as a kid. I can remember imaging what it would be like to be an uncle, to be 'uncle' Steve and see them grow up and be at their weddings and stuff but it wasn't going to happen. I am not sure I can ever truly come to terms with being cut off as I have even though I have got an acceptance of it and have had for many years.

So, my family now are my kids and John and, of course, my friends.

Matt seems to be getting hold of his life now. I so hope so anyway because I am sick of the arguments. I am still convinced that him moving out has to be the answer to many of his issues just because he did have to grow up fast and has clearly outgrown having to accept my rules around this house and needs to be master of his own home.

Daisy is being typically 14 and I can't fault her for that. Trying to explain how others see things is important in her life. There are some things where we can just do our own thing and stuff what others think and then, there are times when it is paramount and how we put our arms around and how is one of those occasions. I am also trying to explain that boys think differently to girls and what she sees as a friendly hug may not be the same assumption from the boy ... they are basically all thick thinking with their dicks!

Zoey is still struggling with life but learning quite slowly.

All of the kids are good in comparison to many others around but when each has a direct effect on me and how I feel (x3) then it can be really tiring at times!

On the plus side, when I expire at least my lot will have video to remind them of what I sounded like.

Hmmm ...

2007-10-08T21:02:00.000+01:00

Will I ever get to the point where my life is totally stress free so I can enjoy it or will I be so old by that point that my body will simply become my stress? Hell, I dunno so better just do as much as I can now!

Classic line heard from one chav to another earlier outside IKEA in Milton Keynes.

"Shuddap else I'll hit you with a Christmas Tree Bitch!"

On the plus side, Matt is still doing ever so well with his mobile phone bill ... at this rate he'll be like me having more minutes and texts than he knows what to do with.

Daisy has hurt her foot and her arm so I have to get her to see a nurse and find out when she can use it all properly again because otherwise her course work at school won't be done.

I am really depressed about my weight and need to get to the gym really soon. I have to accept cutting down on food is difficult just because Deej, bless him, makes it as difficult as hell when I ask for a small portion and I get a large one ... that and that I am just so weak willed when it comes to food. I know I would be a lot better if it were just me but with so many people around me I am constantly faced with temptation.

On a geek moment for a bit ... season 4 of Stargate Atlantis is awesome.

Someone has asked to put my name forward for something recently and it was just so special to have someone acknowledge I may have had a bit of a shit few years and could do with something nice. Even if nothing comes of it then it is just amazing anyone cares enough to think of it.

For the record, I would also be up for a total makeover, my garden landscaped and my house getting totally redesigned and decorated. OK, but a man can dream :-)

Apparently, many entries ago (I may regret that choice of words) I wrote some stuff about my sex life ... for future reference, anyone under the age of 18 shouldn't read that sort of thing!

An 'Explosion'

2007-10-05T23:06:00.000+01:00

As there has been an explosion of people saying how I am a terrible dad for writing anything (I assume here) I feel that I need to clarify a little of not a lot.

Firstly, very few parents take on parenting intending to ever fall out with their kids and very few, myself included, ever stop loving their kids no matter what. As those who know will know, my eldest, Jermaine, has sworn at me and attacked my physically many times yet I still love him and support him as much as I can.

I still love my Matt and Daisy and Zoey too of course.

The thing is, most people don't get to see what their friends are really like but rather just the image they want to let them see. I don't write on here at all unless I am really hurt or upset about something. It is my way of dealing with life so I don't take it out on other people. Generally speaking, not many people read this anyway. The front page actually reminds people what this blog is for and also says " I’ll probably always love you I just may not ‘like’ you now and then."

That is the point, it is possible to love someone deeply yet not like them very much now and then and right now I feel that way about Matt. I can only say that anyone who thinks I could 'hate' any of my kids doesn't know me at all, not even a little bit.

Clearly some people have been stirring some shit this past 24 hours and feeding Matt some stuff that is not helpful. I am all for being supportive of friends but it's better to check the facts before making wild claims about what is written on here.

This blog is most certainly not here to make me look good, I don't give a shit about what people think of me, I am way too old to worry that what anyone thinks could make the slightest difference to me. In short, if someone likes me and cares for me then they'd know the reality of the person I am and read this blog in context. If they don't know me then it'll be a one sided out of context snap shot of my life and opinions that is fairly meaningless.

What I wrote in my last entry ... and hear I break my own rule by explaining myself in my blog ... what I wrote was how I saw it as that snapshot of a moment. It doesn't mean I was right or that it was a reality but simply how I was feeling at that moment. I do have very good reason to question Matt and what he tells me, he has not got to the point of owing that amount of money by being honest with me.

We agreed a really cheap amount of rent for him to pay as a contribution to the household budget, it is certainly at the lower end of what many at 19 may be paying when they are earning unless their parents are loaded and I'm not. Back in August Matt stopped paying it. He knew he wasn't paying it by standing order but didn't tell me. He still continued to spend several weeks rent on himself though on stuff he totally didn't need and that made me feel used, very used.

He's been getting himself in the shit with money for the longest of times and I have loaned him money with strict rules attached that he repay me before he goes out with his mates on the piss ... he's ignored that, he's spent loads on himself and just tells me I will have to wait until he is ready to repay me. He has lied to me about who paid for stuff he bought with money he doesn't have. I get the blame for loads of stuff that is totally not my fault. I am supposed to be responsible for every girlfriend break-up he has had ... unless that has changed but he's not mentioned it if it has. The holes in his bedroom door caused by his boot and fist are my fault for making him angry ... the dent in the dishwasher is because he was angry about something else and I wasn't even here for that one.

I have furniture and towels stained with his hair dye, a lounge suite that his misuse has 'helped' to ruin.

Remember, I still love Matt despite this but it doesn't stop it hurting me each time I am shat on by him.

The truth is, he just won't grow up and accept that life has responsibility attached to it. Me being his dad does not mean I am able to take his nonsense ... expecting that if he pays me rent he is entitled to do what he likes in my house.

He gives me the impression most of the time that he has no respect for me at all. That's probably not true but it is how he makes me feel. At times he really intimidates me.

Anne is, of course, welcome here, I didn't mean to imply she wasn't in my last message but more that as a respect for it being my house Matt could at least check with me it is OK. I was sitting on the sofa in my boxers when she walked in with him. I felt awkward as hell about it and it couldn't have been a pleasant sight for her either. You know, when we have our own house it can be really off putting when people just turn up like I am expecting them when I have no clue they are coming at all.

My thinking behind getting Matt to move out is this:

Living here he just will not grow up and take anything seriously. He spends more money than he has coming in and is in mega debt. We are always arguing and mainly because he owes me money or just normal parent stuff or with him acting like he owns the place. If he stays here he has no reason, no incentive to change. He is just stuck in this loop he's been in for so long and doesn't do anything to get out of it and I have tried so many times to help but he won't take any advice at all, just likes things the way they are.

If he moves out he is forced to grow up and take some responsibility. He argues that if I allow him to stay here that he will be in a better position to move out because he won't be in so much debt. I stupidly went along with that and then, last month long after he'd already stopped paying me, he went out with his last pay packet and spent £150 on himself not making any significant dent in his debts which he just transfers, at the moment, on to me. So, allowing him to stay here under those conditions clearly isn't working because it seems, and let's face it, it's logical, if he doesn't repay his debt he doesn't have to move and thus can continue as he is.

However, if I accept that I have to ignore my feelings and force him out into the adult world then he can't make any more excuses because the one's he makes them too won't give a shit like I do. It's a case of pay or else and they have the teeth and the lack of heart to do it.

The trouble is, the people who read this and got txt'ing to Matt about it only see things from the point of view of younger people. Not having kids themselves they don't know how heartbreaking it is for a parent who gives a shit to see their kids screwing up so amazingly.

Matt is an adult. He has the right to do whatever he likes. If he wants to kill himself slowly by smoking then that's his choice. If he wants to drink too much, again, his choice and if he wants to go bankrupt that's his choice. All I am saying is that I can't love him like I do and watch him doing it to himself. He won't let me be a dad any more and help him, everything I say is apparently just because I like moaning and arguments so my role is over. By him being here he just upsets me because in my mind he's always going to be my little boy despite him towering over me like he does. He had so much going for him, so many talents and a really good brain but he's not interested in doing anything any more. All his dreams seem to have been thrown away to be replaced by minimum wage jobs, debt and addiction to either fags or spending. I just can't help him any more. It's not that I don't want to but as anyone who really knows Matt will tell you, he's the expert on everything and there is no opinion greater than his own.

If he came to me asking for help and really meaning it and prepared to do what he needed to do to get that help I would always be there for him. I have pleaded with him to allow me to help him with a budget. I have also asked him over and over to give up fags and cut down on the drinking. It's on deaf ears :-(

Anne is one of the best things to happen to him in a very long time. There is a chance that if he doesn't screw it up with her that she will really help him and get him where he needs to be providing she isn't seduced by his theories on life and how these things always sort themselves out eventually. They don't and actually never have for Matt, he has just been lucky that each time he's got himself in debt before there has been a lump sum to bail him out whether it be a student loan, my money or compensation from a chav attack.

If he moves he will be ultimately better off long term unless, of course, he just continues as he is here. In that case he will find himself living in mates space but I so hope that isn't the case.

He says I repeat myself a lot ... I do, I know it. It's frustration of just not getting through to him how much I care and how much I need him to get himself sorted.

If anyone reading this is a mate then offer him some real help and don't bitch about me as his dad, I am so not important in the great scheme of things when it comes to your relationship with Matt as your friend. I have friends who help me through my issues and I do listen and change. Right now Matt, the real Matt and not the Abbey St pretend Matt, needs his mates to be there for him and not telling tales out of school making matters worse.

It's amazing how stupid I am meant to be ...

2007-10-04T02:40:00.000+01:00

Earlier I asked Daisy if she was coming with us to see Jermaine, Oh no, she already had plans to go to see her friends over the park ... a lie, she had no plans at all.

I asked Matt if he wanted to come seeing as there was now a spare seat in the car. Oh no, he thought he'd probably have work this evening and was waiting on a call. I suggested he call them but apparently he didn't need to do that, they'd call him. I asked then, what will happen with the cash in hand they give you ... after some time he said he'd be giving it to me 'of course'.

Matt eventually turned up back home around 01:30 with Anne, yes, again she is here and uninvited. I now have two lodgers that don't pay anything. Matt was going on about how Anne had bought him this stuff he had and how wonderful it all was ... I asked where the money was that he got paid but, apparently, they didn't pay him ... he did help them out but it was just like being helpful, not for money.

Yeah, you see, after 20+ years of parenting and 44 years of life I have become stupid. It is not glaringly obvious to me that Matt did get paid and is lying but that he has already spent a fair amount of the cash.

His room is again a tip and still stinks not to mention it is filthy having clearly never having been cleaned since it was last decorated in 2005.

The amount he owes me stands at £440.00

How stupid should I continue to be?

The council is meant to let people know tomorrow whether or not they have the studio flats they applied for ... we shall whether or not Matt conveniently doesn't get offered anything.

Not Fair! :-(

2007-10-01T22:26:00.000+01:00

I checked before I booked and nothing, all OK, nothing to worry about, go for it young man and enjoy ...

HOWEVER!

I just checked the Disney site and there are some alterations to their schedule. The following attractions are not open the week we are there:

The Dragon beneath the Castle (Deej loves dragons and we were just chatting about it today)
Pirates of the Caribbean ... for f****s sake!

Several others are closed the week prior so I guess thanks for not missing them all. Pirates though closes the day we arrive and opens again a week later, just after we leave :-(

I mean, two things I planned on doing are now screwed, three if I include a meal at the Blue Lagoon because that won't be open if Pirates is closed, that whole part of Adventureland is going to be dead.

On the plus side, that seems to be the only closures ... so far.

Matt is playing a blinder ... not only has he not moved out but he seems to have Anne staying here more often than not. So, not only am I not getting any rent I am accommodating another person ... this is so not going to last and I am only giving it until Oct 4th when the council are meant to decide about who gets what flat.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2007-09-24T01:46:00.000+01:00

It was decided that midnight Sunday was an excellent time to start doing my hair and, I was not so tired so didn't object. However! After the end result became visible it soon was obvious that some hair cutting was required because all the original blonde had melted and was coming off in sticky clumps.

I am sitting here now at 01:48 waiting for the toner to take hold and probably screw up the rest of the remaining hair.

Poor Deej still has his cough and is most unhappy about it. My hair not going according to plan has upset him too so it is not a good night for him :-(

Two of my oldest friends seem not to be talking to me now. I have tried both several email and text and no acknowledgement at all. I have no idea what I did to upset them but I would have thought I'd deserve more than to be blanked. Such is life, we move on.

Money doth dribble away

2007-09-17T17:51:00.000+01:00

Yes, my money is escaping from every direction but, I hope, will recover OK and the things it is going on are generally worthwhile.

Tesco (bless them) have almost totally paid for a week in Gran Canaria for Pride next May, now that has to be a good deal. They will also pay for train tickets over to France in October and for ferry tickets for a trip Deej and I are taking to Disneyland in November. My timing of that one could have been better but I did not realise that the 'Tower of Terror' was opening as early as January!

Daisy is no longer with Sam but now with James. Fortunately I am already used to James coming around so don't have to get used to anyone new.

The car is still doing reasonably well with a first service being carried out next week after the engine rebuild.

There are staffing issues at the coach house so I am having t keep on top of things there and make sure it does not end up collapsing. Email to be written there.

I so need my eyes tested but am nervous about the cost of it all as I just know I need new glasses which generally come in at around £200+

Matt is being less than perfect going back on just about everything we agreed in order for him to stay here a little longer. He's making virtually no effort to get a full time job and, most worryingly, insisting he is in control of everything ... yeah, like anyone who knows him would believe that.

I bought a gadget to connect the PC's to the lounge TV, just hoping it will actually do what it says on the box.

I gotta go now, wanted to write more but out of time.

The one with no title

2007-09-12T08:54:00.000+01:00

C'mon, it's early and I can't be arsed with thinking up witty titles!

The car is still running and, more important perhaps, outside my house! Yesterday I paid £230 to get the last bit of bodywork sorted out, just a windscreen repair to go and it's as good it its going to get. (It's only a small chip so shouldn't be a problem)

When I say that, about it being good as its going to get I mean until I get the parking sensors fitted of course and I go see a little man about those next week.

I spent quite a bit of last week fretting about my Dad and his wife coming over. I am 44 years old and what he thinks still gets to me. As far as I am aware there is not one thing I have done in my life for which he is proud of me so still I try to impress him even when I so know it'll never happen. John and me spent an age working on the garden. Kath still managed to be critical of the front though. She was also (or came across as) bitchy about the car wanting to know how I can afford a car like that? The implication seemed to me to be that someone like myself, scrounging off the state, shouldn't have a nice car.

As usual she refused my dinner. She also managed a game of one upmanship by comparing her grandson Max to Daisy saying how they are the same age yet Max has taken his GCSE's already. Dad said rather little as it happens, probably best.

Jermaine came over too and it was his best visit to date. There were loads of smiles and giggles and not a sign of anger.

Matt & Anne seemed to be having issues so came across as somewhat rude. Matt bit my head off when I called out to him his grandparents were leaving which wasn't very nice. Yesterday he bit my head off because I suggested I collect him from town 20 minutes earlier than I'd agreed because that was what fitted in with my plans. He's only managing to hand out 2-3 CV's each day and not following up leads he gets for jobs. He is so going to get himself in a lot of bother very soon and if he's messing me about and deliberately not doing anything to make sure he can stay here then it's so going to backfire on him because it's just totally disrespectful and what got us in this situation in the first place. As usual his social life is his #1 priority and all else is just meant to fall into place despite the overwhelming evidence that this is not what happens in life.

Robin is once again going through a spell of feeling down. I think we may have got to the root of it now and it is a very heavy situation. On the plus side, I think there is a resolution, something Robin can do which may well help end the cycle of depression but it is going to be really difficult to him as it means making some life changes. He knows deep down he is in the thoughts of many throughout hi life it is just difficult for him to accept that as he has such a low opinion of himself.

Did I mention I have a new car? ;-)

Oh, one interesting thing also ... we'd noticed that files we had on the network here seemed to be going missing and just couldn't work out what we'd done with them. It turned out that Zoey had decided she didn't want all these things cluttering up her laptop so was deleting them! Now I have the task of putting the collection back together again!

Zoey is at college now by the way, and she's really loving it. We can't see her for dust when she gets ready in the mornings.

This afternoon we should be getting our two new cats.

At long last!

2007-09-03T19:09:00.000+01:00

Enough said!

No Jermaine

2007-09-02T15:49:00.000+01:00

Wendy just called to say that Jermaine has had some seizures so won't be able to arrive today.

She's probably telling the truth but I am also concerned that maybe not enough effort is being made to take him out at all. I don't mean if he is genuinely having a bad day but rather on days when he's happy and well when they should be grasping the chance.

The other day I noticed they were very short staffed there. They were muddling through but they were clearly stressed. The other client they have there was obviously causing them some concern they actually said there were things he expected them to do which they'd agree to do which they could not do because they were short staffed.

I am hopeful that the staffing thing is a glitch because I know they are interviewing but even so, it doesn't account for the fact that Jermaine is not getting out.

Something else I also noticed was that they seem to be doing the cooking elsewhere as well and I hope that is not a move to communal living again whereby everyone has what is being prepared rather than each flat has it's own menu.

I shall be bringing these things up in the meeting we have shortly for sure.

On another note, Daisy is dating again (Sam)

It's quite amazing how much he reminds me of my first boyfriend (back when he was thin of course)

Matt and Annie are still together which has to be good.

Networks .... don't leave them open!

2007-09-02T13:54:00.000+01:00

Just recently I have found it difficult to work out where some of my files have been going. Albums I thought I had were just not there any more and yesterday we noticed that over 70gb's of TV stuff was missing. On quizzing those in the house it turns out that Zoey has just been deleting anything she doesn't like not worrying just where it was stored.

So, thus far we have the entire series of Farscape gone alone with all of Doctor Who, the Star Trek movies, countless albums and heaven knows what else, much can be replaced (over a very long time) but she may have deleted stuff that is not replaceable and chances are it may be months before we realise it.

Oops .... I did it again!

2007-09-01T16:15:00.000+01:00

Without a shadow of a doubt we are only getting one cat ... bugger!

[IMAGINED SCREAM]

2007-08-31T18:25:00.001+01:00

I have no idea how to insert a scream into text so use your imagination!

Possibly I have concluded for the first time today that this whole car thing is really getting me down. I am not sleeping right because of it and it crops up all too often, it's just driving me nuts with the speculation and possibilities.

Neville called earlier at around 16:23 but I had dropped off to sleep so missed him. I suspect he's calling to say it's ready to be picked up but don't know. Even if it were, at that time I'd not have been able to sort the paperwork out prior to the weekend so couldn't have collected it. What I suspect and the reality may not, as is often the case with this car, match up. He could have been calling to say it had failed the MOT and now I have a large bill to add to the already mounting costs before it can be completed. He could actually have phoned for any number of things but because I don't know my imagination is going over time. I am as uptight as can be and it's doing me no good at all.

Add to this the other 'background' concern of Matt and what's happening there and I just know my unfinished business is what is causing my current bit of shite.

I need a month and this should all be over ... he hopes (pointlessly)

Nearly September

2007-08-30T22:11:00.000+01:00

Yes, just two days to go and we are on month 9. I remember cancelling an order for a car once because they said I had to wait 5 months and here I am 5 months after buying the Sebring and still have no real idea when it may be ready!

A taxi from town to here should never cost £8.40 early evening - end of.

Zoey has taken to blocking the loo again so today I taught her how to unblock it with her having to place her own hand in a toilet full of shit. Maybe now she will reconsider just how much toilet paper to use. (probably not)

I have taken a diet holiday for a few days because I have just been feeling really down and ill. I figure that cutting down on food without also exercising more is just pointless anyway.

One more full week of school holidays to go here, that's a week longer than most school kids get. On the plus side, most kids should be away from town next week so going there will be a little more bearable.

At the moment I am double booked for grandparents visits. Kris's parents are supposed to come here on September 9th as are my Dad and Kath. My opinion is, Kay & Geoff invited themselves, they have not so much as spoken to me about it to see it is OK so when they eventually call I shall say sorry, but we are busy that day. It's been over a year since seeing my Dad so I am not putting them off.

I am mentally spending quite an amount of money right now. Physically I am not so this has to be good! So far I have in my mind bought a new car (2nd hand runabout), booked two holidays, redecorated the entire house along with flooring, landscaped the garden along with several other things too numerous to list! A lottery win right now could prove most useful as I actually do at least have some focus right now on where it would start to be put to good use. (About as likely as Zoey being sensible with toilet paper)

Bank Holidays

2007-08-27T12:03:00.000+01:00

One of the problems with 'not working' is that I don't get anything out of bank holidays. Other people see them as something special, an event to do something but to me, it's just another weekend with maybe more traffic about. This is one of the things I truly hate about not working, not feeling part of what everyone else is feeling :-(

Jermaine came over yesterday but he was really tired. He did seem to enjoy himself for the first bit at least and was really happy, full of smiles immediately after he walked in. Once he had eaten though, he is was just really struggling to keep his eyes open. He left around 8pm and Wendy called me soon after they got back to say they had got back OK, Jermaine had slept the whole way and was now fast asleep in bed. I just can't imagine anyone from his last home bothering to do that!

This weather is really nice and if I had my car I'd most likely be off somewhere really enjoying it but, as it happens, I don't so I have no plans at all.

Daisy's boyfriend dumped her. I suspect it had something to do with me writing to him but then, if it did, then clearly my writing had the desired effect to route out the undesirables. Any genuine guy would have stuck with her so he probably was just after a shag.

I joined this 'facebook' a couple of days ago. It's really just like myspace though for slightly older people. I can't see anything special about it though and I have hardly gained anything from it just the same people I already know that I can talk to any time I want. I guess that's what the net gets like after a while, a way of not talking directly to any of my friends and that has to be bad. I am often inclined to agree with Martyn in that perhaps not being a member of all these things is better as at least it means we have to make the effort to meet our friends in the real world. (OK, not entirely Martyn's take on it but then, it is still right!)

Back to bank holidays ... as a non worker (in the outside world) it is also true that it simply screws up my internal clock because today just feels like Sunday to me ... it also means another day longer I have to wait for my car.

Outcome of Today

2007-08-24T21:22:00.001+01:00

Firstly, the car is not ready and won't be until at least late next week. This is just so typical as it would have been just amazing to have had it in this weather.

Matt sat down with me and actually listened. He has agreed to me allowing him to stay here until he is offered a council place but on the condition that he allows me to guide him with his finances and that he spend each day looking for a better paid job. The consequences of not doing so means out he goes, this really is last chance in the hope he'll finally take an opportunity to make some real changes in his life which will make a difference.

I would just be so disappointed in his if he lets me down this time.

Apologies for multi publications, the software screwed up

Parental Responsibility

2007-08-24T01:20:00.000+01:00

Where does it end? Maybe that should be 'when?'

I think I have done my best with the kids. On the whole I have had to work it all out for myself. I have had no support or role models to guide me. I have just had gut instinct and a wish that no harm comes to them. It has been a very tough job, nothing that people get paid for can possibly compare to it as far as maximum stress for minimal reward goes.

Often I ask myself why? What is the purpose of kids? True, they carry the genes, a little piece of me will live on after I have gone but the cost is too high if that is all there is. There is a lot of love along the way but, if I am honest, it is so rarely demonstrated I could be forgiven for missing it.

This is a job for which I can see no reward. My hope would have been that as they got older some of what I had given by way of love and commitment would be given back. That somewhere a balance would be achieved between us in that neither was any longer the giver but we both were. I don't know when that is meant to happen because I have not seen any of it yet. We are just cruising through life waiting for things to change. We go around in circles over and over. I make the rules, they break them. I ask for help, they give me more work, I offer help and they reject me, I ask for trust they tell me lies.

I have invested a lot in the kids in the hope that when I die someone will say 'he did well' but I don't think that is going to happen. I see a gravestone saying 'here is a loser, good intentions that fell apart, he achieved nothing'.

That's what I guess I really ever wanted from having kids, to have people that were better than I am, had greater chances in life, had the will to always aim higher than I could ever have done. For an outright snob it is so difficult to admit that my kids are average, could do better, just like I was :-(

In other aspects of my life I have done some things I am proud of, I have had influence on people which has changed them for the better and I am pleased with that BUT ... parenting is and always has been my main job and if I can't succeed at that then it makes everything else seem insignificant to me because my kids are a mirror on me, how people see them is how they see me.

It's becoming real hard to bounce back right now. I shall cos I always do but this is hurting real bad and there really is nothing that anyone can do as far as I can see unless some minor miracle happens.

It's all my fault ...

2007-08-22T01:24:00.000+01:00

Yes, all this getting pissed and spending money which doesn't belong to him is my fault. Had I been there to support him then he wouldn't be in this mess ... all he wants is to be independent and live life his own way, being his own person and I keep spoiling all that by telling him what he needs to do so he rebels against it and ... it's all my fault.

Guess who?

Virgin F******* Media!!!!!

2007-08-21T19:32:00.000+01:00

I went into the Megastore earlier to see how good this Samsung U600 phone was and ask about how easy it is to continue my contract. I had no idea this would be the start of around 2 hours on the phone to them!

Straight off I was confronted with policy, systems and brick walls of nothing they can do but charge me an extra £5 for the same service. I eventually got through to a manager who was interested to offer some help ... long story short I have gone from paying £25 a month to £18 a month with a new phone and the same bundle, can't be bad but should not have taken 2 hours!

Whoever Said?

2007-08-20T11:19:00.000+01:00

No man is an island ... has not seen my laying down in the bath!

An Englishman's home is his castle ... if that is true, why can I not fire arrows at chavs through the windows?

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world ... whoever said that had a nanny!

What goes around comes around ... someone who lived in Milton Keynes clearly. (too much time hanging around roundabouts)

On another note, I clearly think too much when I take a dump!

Yesterday we didn't get a visit from Jermaine. They called to say that he'd been playing up all day and that, if I didn't mind, they would really appreciate not having a deadline to try to sort him out. So, not seen him in over a week now so must make an effort this week so not to leave it too late this time.

Later on today the girls are going off to their mother for the first time in years. I fully expect her to make some excuse whereby they cannot go at all or the visit has to be cut short.

This is a weird week in that we don't really have to go out much, those things that are happening require little effort on our part. The exceptions to that would be getting the girls to their mother today and collecting them on Friday and doing a visit to Jermaine at some point. This evening we plan on visiting Nick.

I shall be sending the vouchers off later to get the Tesco tokens to spend on GC next year. It'll be costing me £250 in vouchers which contributes £1000 toward the holiday, I still have to pay £36 on top of that because the total is £1036 (obviously). I will pay cash for the car rental which will ensure we don't have to travel with a coach load of chavs.

It is so GAY

2007-08-18T18:26:00.000+01:00

People ... the word gay can mean happy or jolly, otherwise over the moon and jumping for joy or it can mean a man who shags another man or, indeed, a woman who shags another women ... Only homophobic people think it means anything other than that because it was homophobia which created all other meanings. I find it personally offensive when I hear someone say that something is 'so GAY' when what they mean is that it is weird or lame ..

I thank you.

Sorry Jermaine

2007-08-17T23:48:00.000+01:00

I never made it to see Jermaine after all this evening. Deej was feeling bad, Daisy didn't want to go, Matt was out and Zoey was rather not wanting to go anyway. I sure didn't fancy the trip on my own as I was feeling quite tired and don't like driving when I am tired.

Am going to try to go tomorrow if I can. It would probably just be Deej and me but we shall see what we can do.

I need to arrange the Sky system for ASAP so we can have him with a full service plus broadband. First though I have to connect a phone line to his room.

The engine is now back in the Sebring but it'll be next week before the thing looks like my car again and then maybe into the following week before it is on the road.

Pictures

2007-08-15T01:37:00.001+01:00

Thought I would share some pictures of last Sunday

Back in the UK

2007-08-14T13:07:00.000+01:00

I have been back here for some time now getting used to the boring day to day things. The weather has for the most part been OK though I have missed the air conditioning in the bedroom. It has just started to give us a spell of rain so back to normal there.

The news on the car is same old same old I am afraid. It may be ready in a couple of weeks ... but then again, it may not.

Jermaine did his first visit home since moving out in March 2005 and it went well. There was a brief moment where it looked like he may take root upstairs but it was over soon enough and he went home happy.

Matt is a lot better than previously but also still has a long way to go. I think he was hoping that good behaviour would prevent any risk of him moving out, it hasn't. The truth is that he still has such a strong will that he simply cannot accept rules given by others and least of all me. I am hoping that finally moving into the real unprotected world of self reliance may teach him responsibility but I am not overly optimistic. Time will tell. He still has enormous potential but I fear he is going to go the same way as me, almost there, always on the brink of something but never quite getting there.

Despite me promising myself that I so would not be going back to Gran Canaria it appears I may be doing just that for Pride next year.

Almost Forgot ...

2007-08-02T14:03:00.000+01:00

Palmitos Park is totally destroyed along with 65% of the wildlife there. The mountains seem to have cleared finally which I presume means the fire is finished.

Visited Merlin´s last night, this is a restaraunt I have previously raved about. In January it seemed to have let standards slide a little compared to say ´Silos` especially on price. Last night was terrible. It was alive with cockroaches and terribly overpriced. The steak was overcooked and the chicken was certainly not the best cuts. All steak ordered was medium which normally means a little pink, maybe some blood still. Most arrived cooked right through and dry and this cost 17 euros. A much larger and better cooked steak at Silos would have been around 12 euros. We will not be going there again for sure.

Last night was a nightmare in the Yumbo, seemed everyone wanted us to stop for food, some were shouting down from the balconies at us. Overall, with the prices for me x4 all the time, it is proving very costly so now we have to avoid eating expensive or drinking out.

Matt called earlier ... it was great to hear his voice. He´s taking an exam tomorrow for a forklift. I hope he passes then can quite his minimum wage job and get something which pays better. It´s not the career path I´d have seen him in but if it is the way he wants to go then that´s cool.

Daisy has been a little madam today insisting it is her holiday so thinking she can opt out of joint tasks such as drink making or washing up so we have had stern words ... I so hope this is not a prelude to Matt´s attitude II as I so could do without all that aggro again seeing as it is so stupid because it is simply not the way mature people behave.

We are a little pissed of as they seem to have closed off the grass area in front of our apartment. I am about to go cut it and use the grass anyway as hell. I didn´t pay for poolside so I can carry my sunbed closer to the pool ... it´s bad enough we are set back from the pool in number 23 without having to go somewhere else to sunbathe!